Stumbling in Identity

There are those of us who have lived lives that honor who we are, that love well, that put others before ourselves, and that always believe the best in people.  There's been maturation and growing in that, but there's nothing insidious that others know of to remind them that's not who they see.

Then there are many of us out there who have lived lives we are not proud of.  Lives marked by selfishness, ignorance, rebellion, no self worth, defiance, or thinking too highly of ourselves.

The stumbling in identity comes when the latter group finally realizes that there is much more to life readily apparent in the lives of people they see. They decide they no longer want to miss out on what life has to offer, and decide to figure out who they really are.

I fall into the latter group.  I didn't realize until I hit about 20 yrs of age that my life had been completely wasted.  I had nothing to show for my existence but a bunch of wreckage in my wake.  I wasn't living, but simply existing.  Waiting.  No goals, no ambitions, no dreams.  I was perfectly content to just numb the pain of being alive because I didn't appreciate the gift of it.  I had so much inexplicable rage in my heart, and very little joy.  I had an internal knowing that there had to be more to life, but didn't know how to ascertain what I was missing.

Over the last two decades, I've come to realize that I am my own worst enemy.  My perceptions were keeping me prisoner to the lack of value I had for life.  I took on other people's opinions of me as my own, and lived as if that was what life was about.  I had a constant dialogue of voices that shaped my skewed view on life.

There are so many voices that each one of us hear as we live our lives. A small sampling of the voices that are common to most are the critical voice, the accusatory voice, the voice of comparison, the pitiful voice (Why Me?), the ungrateful one, all of which rob us of any ability to enjoy our lives.  Thankfully, there are also voices of encouragement, love, and belonging to be heard.  These voices originate from ourselves, friends, parents, enemies, ourselves, media, peers, teachers, employers, etc...

Every now and again, I stumble in my identity as I am reminded of what used to characterize my meager existence.  I hate that I can't change what once was, but I will not let it cause me to stumble walking forward.  Truly, can anyone walk forward in life, not knowing what their paths will bring, while they are focused on looking backwards?

I do not need anyones permission or approval to live out my life with the giftings the Lord has blessed me with. Do I desire acceptance?  Sure.  Do I need it?  Absolutely not.  Some of the most harmful rejection I've encountered has been in the body of Christ.  Truly I can tell you that was a gift.  I've learned more about myself, and what needs to change in me, through the painful things, than I ever have in the good.  If I value what people think more than what I know in my heart, by way of my Father in heaven, and my Lord Jesus Christ, I will never fulfill what He's called me to (which also happens to be the desire of my heart).

I am redeemed.  I am valuable.  I am worthy.  I am learning how to be who I was created to be.  I am unstoppable with Christ strengthening me in my weaknesses.  There will always be places for more growth, but I'm not going to keep my focus on those.  For what I behold, that will I accomplish, for good or for bad.  So, onward and upward, right?  A resounding "YES!" is what fills my heart with joy and propels me forward into the unknown.

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.  But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead"
-Philippians 3:12-13

Free Indeed

As a little girl, I used to swing wild with abandon, every push of my legs back and forth, going higher and higher, with my hair whipping around my face.  It thrilled me to fly as high as the swing would allow, until the chain would slack and the force would pull me back in the opposite direction. I could have stayed on the swing all day long, never growing tired. 

Today, I don't have that same affection for the swing.  The limit of the chains, the awkwardness of the seat, reminds me of life, and how what I once thought was truly living and experiencing life, was simply being swung back and forth on a chain.  I had no idea there was a depth to life which was immensely more than anything ever I had ever experienced or known.

I can't say I know complete and total freedom in Jesus Christ, but I do know I am happier now than I ever was before. And it is a joy deeper and more fulfilling than I have ever known.

I want to share something the Lord showed me, as it unfolded in my mind with thoughts and pictures. Such still, sweet words that filled my heart. I saw a picture of a gate, with a lock, which represented the things being guarded that He was growing and developing within me.  The key to unlock the gate was for me to accurately see my own reflection in the mirror, through His eyes, not mine. 

I think most of us have a hard time seeing ourselves as we truly are, as our Father in heaven sees us.  I kept seeing all the flaws in myself in the mirror, and the gate would not open.  It wasn't until I saw the beauty He saw, that the gate swung wide open for me to walk in and experience the awe and beauty of the truth and vision the gate had guarded and held for me. There were many aspects to what I saw, but only one I think is worth elaborating on for others.

As I walked in, He showed me all of the words around me, labels spoken by others, and yet none were worthy of even a glance because they were not words He spoke about me.  As I looked down on myself, I saw the word ‘BROKEN’.  I told Him that word definitely described me and He sweetly laughed at me, and gave me an acronym for that word, and told me I was to identify with that instead.  (I wish I had the ability to artistically draw what I saw, but alas, that is not currently in my giftings.)  Here is the acronym...

Bold

Ready to Roar

On Fire

King's Daughter

Enticing

New Creation 

As I celebrate the death and resurrection of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, these words resound and resonate within me. They bring healing and make me whole.

May God continue to work with us all in crucifying our flesh, in accordance with His love and His word. 

May we know the joy of a child, swinging with abandon, and realize any limits imposed by chains can be broken, and have been broken, through the broken body of Jesus Christ, and His blood shed for us. His love for you, and for me, knows no bounds and knows no limits.  There is no love like one which lays its life down for another.  May we all remember that wholeheartedly.

Silver and Gold

As I say goodbye to 2017, and embrace 2018 with all my being, I'm reminded of the children's song "Make new friends, but keep the old.  One is silver and the other's gold."  I believe that is a sweet reminder that precious things are ahead, and to not resist the changes, even though they are not what I was wanting.

This is my first year where I didn't get a verse from church to meditate on for my year.  I've always looked forward to that tradition, so it was with some heart hurt to realize I would need to go directly to the source for my verse this year.  Silly to say, and to type, and even more so to read, but it's where I was at!

The trendy thing this year seems to be a word from the Lord to focus on for the year.  I decided I didn't want a word, I wanted a verse.  I prayed and asked the Lord what He had for me this coming year to focus on and had the word "Intent" pressed upon my heart.

Let me reiterate, I didn't want a word, much less a word that didn't seem like an important word either.  Intent?  Already starting my New Year off feeling ungrateful.  How's that for a beloved child of God?!?  Ok, Lord.  Always Your way, and not mine anyways.  Why intent?  What do you want to show me?

I feel the grin of excitement radiating upon me, as He says that I'll find out as I seek Him in it over the course of this year.

That's a pretty awesome way to start the year, even if it's not what I wanted.  I'm telling you.  The Lord delights in showing me His way is not my way, and takes every opportunity to remind me of it. 

Blooming Where You Are Planted? A follow-up from the last blog entry...

I belong to the most amazing church ever.  The pastor is one of the most fatherly shepherds I've ever met, with a true heart of compassion for his flock.  I came to my church 7 yrs ago, to a Saturday evening service and was welcomed as one of their own by the discipleship pastor and his wife.  My family and I attended church elsewhere on Sunday's, but I became a regular at the small church's Saturday night service!  The truth, the love, the fellowship, the worship, the presence of God, all of it, just kept me returning week after week.  After a year I had convinced my family we needed to be at this church, and all of us left to come to this one.

Fast forward 6 yrs (and lots of background later)

Imagine my horror when I felt the Lord asking me to leave this church and go back to our old one.  I can assure you I had a million reasons why that wasn't a good idea, and fought it.  Surely that was NOT the Lord!  Right?!?

I'd love to be able to tell you first and foremost that it wasn't, but that'd be a lie.  Coming in a very close second, I'd like to tell you that I fully supported and trusted the Lord in this leading, ready for my new season in life.  Yeah, that'd be false too.  I tried going to both churches for quite a while, but that didn't really work either.  Plus, it impacted our family time at home which is minimal at best anyways.  I submitted to the Lord's leading, and started attending the one I felt Him call me to.

One day I actually sent my husband and kids into church ahead of me, telling them I'd be right there, and sat in my car and cried to the Lord.  I told him if that's where He wanted me to be, then He needed to help change my heart b/c I disliked most everything about this new/old church.  I think we had been going there about 6 mo at that time. 

Every single week I would be heartsick that I didn't get to go to MY church.  The Lord continued to find ways to bless me at this new/old church even though my heart certainly wasn't right before Him on it.

It took about 3 mo of me doing what I knew to do biblically to partner with God, and affirm my trust in His will for my life, for me to not be ugly in heart about this change.  In order to make a really long and complicated story really short, He told me I needed to do what was best for my family, not what was best for me.  That's actually been a thing He's been working in my heart for awhile now, who would've thunk, lol.

Finally, last week, I wrote an e-mail to my Pastor at my amazing church and told him that I didn't think I'd be back, and how very much I appreciated all that he's done, and how very painful it was for me to say goodbye.  I cried as I wrote it, and find myself crying now as I type this.  I hate letting go of good things.  It makes no sense!

Let me tell you something else that logic doesn't necessarily agree with.  It is possible to bloom where you're planted if you trust the Potter.  After I sent that e-mail and let go of what I wanted for my worship, teaching, and corporate anointing that just left you feeling like you could do anything that God would ask of you, I encountered the most miraculous thing in my heart.

I actually didn't despise going last Sunday.  I enjoyed the worship (even though I still prefer the other, lol).  I heard more truth in the sermon, instead of just light preaching.  I was in a good mood instead of carrying a deep sadness for what I knew I was missing.

I asked the Lord what that was all about, and how in so many other areas I still was walking around with my heart issues, yet this one was completely healed, WHY?  HOW?  WHEN?  I seriously could feel Him laugh at my inquiry as He put on my heart that I couldn't receive where I was at, until I let go of what was no longer mine to hold.  Once I released my will, I could then take His.  The burden of mine on top of His was great, but once I laid mine down, His yoke was easy.

I do hope that I get to go back to that small amazing church who helped shape me and my walk, and showed me what LOVE looks like from those that were equipped to do so well, but if I don't, it'll be okay.  The Lord continues to light my way. 

Problems with Presumption

The Lord has put on my heart the word PATIENCE about a fairly serious thing in my life.  It's been a crazy hard word for me, as so many things are hinging on this matter.  I, of course, have a view for what that looks like, and because of that have unknowingly hindered the Lord.

As I plan, the Lord laughs.

In quiet contemplation one day, the Lord highlighted Luke 22:49-51.

And when those who were around him saw what would follow, they said, "Lord, shall we strike with the sword?" And one of them struck the servant of the high priest and cut off his right ear.  But Jesus said, "No more of this!" And he touched his ear and healed him.

As I read the passage, I saw that Jesus's disciples looked to Him for wisdom before deciding what to do. Although one took it upon himself to act of Jesus's behalf before looking to Him for wisdom.  Jesus strongly rebuked that disciple.  The Lord put on my heart that I am not to be operating out of common sense, but wisdom.  He told me to never presume to know how to act on Christ's behalf.  

That explanation made perfect sense, but I had not even the slightest inkling how that applied to me.  I was so confused.  For weeks.  I sought wisdom, and found none.  I had some well meaning church folk give me some great insight into the verse, but nothing that made my spirit come alive like I knew would happen when I got what He wanted me to from it.

Finally, today, He downloaded into my heart how this scripture applied to me.

It's only relatively recently that I am learning how to let go of the place that I'm comfortable with (my church) and have seen faithful and sturdy to weather the storms in my life, and allowing a different place (a different church) built on the same rock to help bring my family into the refuge that we need.  It's one that I've fought, and fought, and fought because *I* didn't think it was best.  I knew WHAT the Lord wanted to do, but I had presumed HOW He wanted to do it.  That was my mistake.

Sometimes the Lord likes to do the exact opposite of what common sense may say, and with the foolish confound the wise.  In hindsight, I'm sorrowful at how I opposed with Lord's work with the best of intentions because I thought I knew what He was doing.  He's done so much in me that I had just assumed that those same things that helped me would also do so much more for my family.  It's an innocent and easily made mistake, but one that has caused stagnation more than what was necessary.

So, on that note, let the fire fall, let the wind blow, and let Your glory come down Lord.  Where you go, I'll go, even if I don't want to =)  I have no doubt that their will be plenty of winds of change to come, sweet refreshing breezes amongst the testing and hard winds, and each one will fan the flame of love in our hearts which will continue to transform us.

Rejoice in ALL things, letting patience perfect you, that you may be found lacking nothing.  Yes and

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly; Being grateful for it all!

My heart is currently full of gratitude at the mercy of God in my life.  Yesterday it wasn't.

I've always been the type that will tell you what's wrong, even when almost everything is perfect.  I have referred to that as being a realist.  My husband strongly disagrees.  I've come to find out that's one area where the Lord and my husband agree.  Faith and realism are at war the same as flesh and spirit are.  Life will happen (aka realism) but we serve a God who is continually weaving together something that can only be seen with eyes of faith.

In the last hour, I've rejoiced with my 12 yr old and 10 yr old as the younger taught the older how to play guitar.  I've laughed with my 10 mo old as she tried to mimic a game my husband and 8 yr old were playing.  I teared up when praying over my toddler as he went to bed for the very last time as a 2 yr old.  I am overcome with God's mercy, even as my priorities were seriously out of whack less than 24 hrs before.

Yesterday I went to a meeting to discuss what comes next for my toddler who has some delays.  I was expecting them to say that he'd still need speech, but that he wouldn't really qualify for the classroom.  I listened attentively as each participant in his evaluation process proceeded to tell me their observations and how they corresponded to my sensory report on him.  My 3 yr old (36 mo for the not so great at math, lol) was testing in most areas in between a 17 mo old and a 24 mo old.  He did have some scattered scores taking him up to 36 mo, but those weren't common.

He's been getting therapy for the last 10 months and has improved quite a bit.  I've been encouraged as I've seen the progress.  This IEP meeting brought me down to reality though.  He's not just a lil' behind like I tell myself, but rather significantly behind and is being placed into a special ed classroom.

This is where it gets ugly.  My heart, and its shallowness, was exposed like a raw nerve in a tooth.  My child needs to be in special education?  NO.  You're wrong.  Not my boy.  He's behind, but he's fine.  He doesn't need to be in THAT ROOM.

I am ashamed to type that, but it is what it is.  I know kids in special education and think they are perfectly wonderful.  I have absolutely zero negative feelings about special ed in regards to the program as a whole, and celebrate how awesome the classrooms are.  I know teachers of special ed and admire their heart for those that need a bit more help than the average child.

Yet, my heart's response showed me that while I may think it's all good and wonderful for someone else, it was not acceptable for my family.  There was a stigma for me, it screamed that I didn't do enough, that I failed him, even though that would NEVER cross my mind for another family with a child in special ed.

Thankfully, I have since learned to rejoice in this report.  He gets to be one of seven children in a classroom with 1 teacher and 2 aides.  He is more than likely going to thrive there.  He will be forced to interact with other children, and develop friendships.  He will be held to a schedule that thus far I've been unable to even hold myself to.  He is going to grow and be stretched.  I'm going to grow and be stretched.  This is a great opportunity for both of us.

Granted, my example of the good, the bad, and the ugly was mediocre at best, but most of life are these kinds of bumps in the roads where we can get derailed and miss the joys of the journey we're on.  I annoy the ever living heck out of my friends in my searching for silver linings.  Sometimes there just isn't one I've been informed.  Fair enough.  Sometimes there is not, but most times, there is. It is for our benefit to search for it and find it like it's treasure.  He works out all things for good.  Bill Johnson has a saying that I found perplexing, but have grown to really like, "God may not be in control, but He is in charge".  We get a say in how we respond to life (the part that God is not in control, we're not robots), but we can trust His word even if it takes our whole life to come together.  He is not a man that He should lie. He has yet to disappoint me even when our timetables, and probably vision, are completely different.  I've learned more about faith in the waiting to see prayers fulfilled than I have in the miraculously fulfilled ones.  I. am. grateful. for. it. all.

We Make Hard Things HARDER By Our Beliefs

It really comes down to what's in our hearts. Our thoughts reflect our heart. Once we truly believe what the Lord says, the enemy has nothing he can do to us. Until then, he can give us trials in every area while we figure out whether we believe God or not. Thankfully the Lord already knows how He is going to work out His tests and our enemy's trials and tribulations in our lives. That said, we have a part to play in how long we're going through the thing we've decided is our current personal hell.  That part is how we choose to look at it, think about it, and talk about it.

I do very much believe that grumbling and complaining about everything prevents us from walking in the truth of what the Lord has done for us and in us. It also keeps the enemy hooks in our lives quite firmly making his lies appear all the more true.  It's secularly proven that we believe what we hear ourselves say the most, so SHUT UP with the self-defeating talk people (said super lovingly!!!!).

We need to be doers of the word instead of just hearers only… no angel, human, nor even God himself, is going to do what he is set forth biblically as our part in this beautiful relationship He has designed with us. We can be overcomers by the blood of the lamb AND the word of our testimony, or we can continue to sit and complain that things are so hard while we wait for him to give us a miracle on our terms.  Proverbs 23:7a For as he thinks within himself, so he is.  Our behavior follows our thoughts, so we need to set our minds on the Lord and His truth. Until then, we're constantly in a battle of our flesh versus our spirit. 

He's not angry with us though! He knows our weaknesses and He’s allowing us to choose to stand on His truth or choose to go around the mountain again and again like we enjoy it or something.

The Lord gave me a picture :  Huge mountain, with a few cliffs to rest on in various places.  We are standing at the bottom looking up and saying "Wow, too hard, there’s no way! Lord just place me at the top near you, I can’t do the climb."  The Lord says “You can’t stay at the top if you don’t climb though, that’s how you get your hinds feet which allow you stay up here.  If I place you here, you’ll just fall and that will be more harmful than just staying where you’re at.  His children respond "Ok Lord, if that’s how it’s got to be, I’ll just start walking around the mountain AGAIN until you change your mind.  I told you it’s just too hard for me."

The Lord with tears in His eyes “My child, just follow my Spirit.  I will take you up the mountain strategically, allowing you to rest after each victory before climbing more.  You’ll be here before you know it”.  Us:  "Lord it sounds good and all, but I just can’t yet.  Give me more of your grace and strength so I can... "

The Lord:  "My child, I’ve given you everything.  There’s nothing left that can be done to help you.  Believe Me, trust Me, and follow Me. There’s only one way to victory, but lots of mind numbing circles to defeat.  You CAN trust Me.   Declare Phil 1:6, 2:13-14, 4:13 over yourself and just keep looking up to Me.

ETA:  This blog entry is written for those that are struggling with normal life events, not life altering ones. When dealing with the death of loved ones, serious illnesses with children or spouses, this is not even close to covering the gamut of what you need, and I apologize that you're facing such heartache.  If you want to reach out, I'd be happy to pray with you, and ask the Lord to give you wisdom, grace, strength, and power to walk out your pain with Him.

He Knows My Heart

It seems many times the Lord likes to use things in the natural realm to teach about things in the spiritual realm. If you think about it, it makes sense considering He created both.  He ought to be able to use one as an analogy for the other.  I digress, back on topic...

Our bedtime routine has our 3 older boys going to bed fifteen minutes apart from one another.  One of my boys consistently has the hardest time going to sleep and will normally use anything from needing water, a hug, tell us something, or needing prayer for something as a reason to get out of bed. Smart kid, let me tell you.  We have now cut down on all the above reasonings. He has been told he's not allowed to ask for prayer after bed, but can take his concerns directly to God himself.  

Tonight he got out of bed and told me he couldn't sleep (you know that whole 5 min of laying in bed awake is just torture) and asked me to wrap him up like a casserole.  I laughed and asked if he meant a tamale, he lifted it up his eyes to mine, smiled the sweetest smile, and gave a nod.  As I walked him back to bed and got him snug as a bug in rug/straightjacket, he softly told me thank you and slowly drifted off to sleep.

While walking out of his room the Lord gave me a quick recap of His love, how He gives good gifts, and how He knows my heart.  I came out to read Matthew 7:11 "if you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!", and reflect upon how the Lord searches my heart and knows me.  

It struck me that I need not be so concerned with my wording as I go to Him in prayer because He ALREADY KNOWS.  The prayer is just because He loves it when I spend time with Him, not because I'm telling Him information that is new.  I was placing a particular emphasis on what I prayed and how and was involving too much of my brain in the process.  So whether I say casserole and mean tamale, or some other misspeak, the Lord has me covered, He has already searched my heart. 

This shouldn't be such a revelation of sorts as He's the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, but it definitely spoke to my heart this evening.  He created me, He knows me, and He loves me.  He hears my heart when I pray and isn't waiting for the perfect wording to act on my behalf.  After all, He's the creator of this relationship and partnership with prayer. Ultimately it's His will that I'm hopefully praying for. Since you're not me, this may not even make sense, but this journey is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me.  Praise be to God, the King of kings, Lord of lords, giver of good gifts, and lover of my soul.

Transparency, Good or Bad?

I've come to realize that being transparent comes with a price.  I have a close friend who told me that when she first met me she was very put off by how forthcoming I was with areas of my life.  She explained that kind of honesty normally only comes when you've developed a close friendship with someone and I treated everyone like they were in my inner circle which was strange.  As she got to know me better, she grew to like that quality very much (which is good for me!) because she never had to wonder where she stood with me.

I didn't quite know how to take that at first.  I guess I never realized that it was so off putting to others for me to share what's really going on.  I don't share what's not mine to share.  I try and be very general when I feel like I need to allude to something not soley mine in order to share my struggle, but don't have the ability to be specific. In hindsight, I always thought that was a good quality as I appreciate people getting straight to the point with me.  Although that just goes to show how prideful I still am with no basis to be so.  At least I now see it!  I have little doubt that I have even taught my boys such a basic concept, just because you like something a certain way doesn't mean others do.

Anyways, I don't navigate social situations very well and don't know how to not speak my mind.  Trust me, I have tried and tried.  I will continue to try as I do understand that what I think isn't really all that important for the most part.  I do wonder how many others I've rubbed the wrong way because of my straightforwardness though.

I have learned that there is some value in keeping things surface level.  I struggle to do it as it seems like such a waste of time, but that doesn't mean it actually is.  I need to honor that there is a hierarchy of friendship levels and it bodes well for me to not cannonball in when the person I'm talking to is simply dipping their toes in so to speak.

To sum it up, I suppose transparency is neither good nor bad.  It has varying degrees just like everything else does and the best place is to be in balance with it.  One of these days I might even find it!

I am grateful for my friends who speak truth into my life, and forever indebted to them for putting up with my unusual quirks.  FYI, I love that I can be me to fullest degree with thee =) hehehe.

Listen Up Buttercup!

All of you who are so blessed to know the Lord's voice personally and intimately, those who know His loving kindness in guidance and in discipline, those who's lives are richer and live to glorify Him in all things...  Is that you?

If it is, listen up buttercup.  You can probably quote me multiple bible verses about how God is love, how He came to save the lost, how He desires that we live in unity with other believers, how he told us to live our lives to His glory, how he told us that we are dead to sin, but are those less spiritually mature than you in your outer circles encouraged to push in harder to the Lord by watching Him in you?

If they are not, let me just encourage you to reassess how you should be walking on that narrow path in how you view His other children.  His other children should be learning about His kindness which leads to repentance by watching you.  They should want nothing more than to cleave from all worldly things and press into God by your example.  Christ in you should be calling out to them as a lighthouse in the darkness.

It's silly to think the only darkness is outside of the church.  The church itself is composed of those which once walked in darkness, and are as you are, walking closer and closer to the fullness of light, love, and liberty which is in Christ Jesus, our Lord and Savior.  It's also silly to declare others unworthy of your fellowship because they don't walk in the fullness of truth as you know it to be.

Stop turning God's children away from the church because they don't measure up to your probably correct understanding of what the word of God declares to be a follower of Christ, and instead just love them further into His kingdom.  Let God be the judge of where their hearts actually are, you just LOVE THEM BLAMELESSLY.

The Lord gives clear instructions in His word on how to approach the brother/sister that is sinning in your midst, and it's not to pretend like they aren't there.  You are responsible for the words that come out of your mouth, let each one be filled with love, not judgment.  Refrain to the best of your ability from coloring other peoples views by sharing that which is not helpful and beneficial to the body.

Yes, righteousness matters.  Absolutely.  But not at the expense of love.  Be the one whose actions propel the weak and feeble to push in and run the race before them.  It's already seems easy to throw in the towel and give up with the disability of sin that has left it's mark, be the example that shows that's a lie.  Allow your thoughts, speech, and behavior to show the richness of Christ available to those who persevere and press forward, forgetting all that lies behind. Be the one who allows Christ to work freely and unhindered in.  We all (believers in Christ) want that, lets join together to attain it.

Biblical backing, Romans 14:1-12

My Sweet Child, Look How Far I've Brought You...

The Lord's loving quiet whisper meets me in my place of complete dejection as I ponder the immense gap between where I am in Him and where I know I am to be.  I look to His word praying for Him to do all that needs to be done for me to be all that He created me to be.  I plead with Him to change circumstances that prevent me from attaining that place in Him.

I just want Him to know how much I want to have a life that honors Him in ALL THINGS and how frustrated I am that my life is still so dang far from that.  He pulls me close with that beautiful, loving, and kind whisper and tells me "My sweet child, look how far I've brought you."

I hate to admit it, especially so publicly, but my response was less than desirable to His encouragement.  I told Him "That's great, and I appreciate it, but look how much is still wrong with my life, and my thoughts, and even my heart."

Thankfully the Lord is used to His children being so ungrateful and simply responded "I'm not worried about it.  Just trust in Me, and keep your eyes forward.  Don't despise small beginnings.  I'm an expert at using the foolish things of this world to confound the wise.  Seek first my kingdom and all other things will be added unto you.  I love you with a love that is not of this world.  I'm not frustrated with you.  Don't place yourself above Me by thinking your thoughts are more righteous and true than mine.  You are right where I want you.  I don't want you to be concerned with anyone's opinions on you, but mine.  It's necessary to be patient in this process, if you try to force your definition and picture of what it means to be wholly submerged in me, you will quench what it is that I am doing in you and your family."

Well, okay then God.  How does one argue with that?  I obviously don't have my Savior's heart and mind because I just don't get how He can be so for me with the host of issues I've got going on.  Yet, He is.  And for that I am so incredibly grateful.

Becoming Love by Dan Mohler v1

How wonderfully coincidental that the exact same day I posted about my inability to understand how the body of Christ continually fails to love like Jesus does, that a beautiful woman recommended (without knowing I blogged on this) this video to me.  I find it to be even better that as I sit down to watch this today, that I notice it was posted EXACTLY a year ago.  I love how the Lord works in me to be more like Him and let go of all this other junk that keeps me too connected to myself.

Love...

Why does it seem to be so hard for the body of Christ, the church, to love each other like He loves us?  It was His greatest commandment to us, and also our biggest failure to carry out.

We do so many good things in His name, yet if love is not the main marker of those, it's all for naught.  So many of us try to earn our way into the Lord's good graces even though we know better than to think it possible to do so.  Yet we still try.

We smile at those we gather with Sunday mornings, some genuine, some not so much, but we put on His love in our own way to the best of our ability.  I honestly believe we all desire to love like He does, we just suck at it.

I see why it's hard to love those who've hurt us, yet we need to.  I see why it's uncomfortable to be around those different than us, yet we need to.  I see why it's stretching for us to continue to show the love of Christ to those who don't seem to want to allow the Lord in and change their hearts, yet we need to.  What I don't understand is why it's hard for us to love those in our fellowship who've never done anything to us, yet we distance ourselves from them.  How do we rationalize any of it?

In the world we have our defenses to keep our hearts safe, or rather to try.  It normally doesn't work very well and ends up hurting us, but still we know that it's not safe so we try to protect ourselves.

In the church we are told that LOVE resides there, and that it's safe.  Many keep up their walls to protect themselves not willing to chance that the body of Christ truly is a place where His love reigns and they will be safe.  There are however some who take those words to heart and allow the essence of who they are to permeate that safe haven of love.  They look to the body of Christ to have the heart of Christ and so many times are then wounded deeply to find that the church looks just like the world in terms of their ability to love the unlovely.  How tragic is that?

Thankfully, there are also those who truly love like He does in the exact same body that those who don't belong to.  And, all of us, if we're blessed to the utmost, will encounter both.  One for refining us, and the other for showing us an example of what Christ's love in action looks like.  I am so incredibly grateful to have both in my life.

Now the answer to not being wounded in church is not in avoiding church. That on the surface takes care of the problem, but instead hurts us further.  We allow bitterness and resentment to grow where we should be allowing iron to sharpen iron.  What's necessary to grow in the spirit of Christ in such times where we are hurt is praying to have an unoffendable heart while loving the unlovely in those who've hurt you.

It's not fair to hold others to a standard of Christ's perfection in love, and not hold yourself accountable to the very same standard.  We need to have Christ's grace flow freely through us in love which covers a multitude of sins.  We need to take our eyes off the work our 'brothers and sisters' in Christ need to do, and allow the Holy Spirit of God to work in our hearts on what He's doing in us.

We need to not be okay with any area of our lives/minds/hearts that does not accurately reflect Jesus Christ's heart.  We need to throw ourselves upon His mercy asking Him to work in us that we would look like Him and thanking Him for doing exactly that.  He continues to work in us to will and to do for His good pleasure, and will finish the work He started.

Let us not hinder Him by our pride whether that pride be in self-exaltation or self-abasement.  Let us let Him love us into wholeness and work in us so that we may have the privilege of doing the exact same for His other children.  Love heals.  Thank You Father.  Thank You Jesus Christ.  Thank You Holy Spirit.

We all can hear the Lord =)

The following is just a cool testimonial to how easy and simple it is to listen to the Lord...

My husband I were doing the Jesus Calling Devotional for Kids last night and we got to talking about Moses and the Israelites.  It was a really nice discussion and that was that, or so I thought, lol.

Tonight we did the devotional and before we began my 5 yr old was telling my husband to read 3 and handed him the bible.  My husband looked down and saw Numbers 3 and asked my 5 yr old if he wanted him to read Numbers 3, my lil' guy said "no, Heboos 3".  So we turned to Hebrews and my husband looked and asked "All of it?" and my lil' guy said "yes".  So my husband obliged our lil' one and started reading chapter 3 of Hebrews.

The cool part is that it was on exactly what we were discussing last night!!!  I absolutely LOVE how the Lord is involved with everything as we seek Him and teach our children to seek Him.  I don't care at all for the desert places and wilderness He leads me through in order to teach me to trust Him, but He's been faithful to bring me through most of it, and I know He's bringing me through all of it, I just haven't walked that far yet.

I just can't get over how simple it would have been to ignore my 5 yr old's request and have totally missed out on this blessing!  What a sweet way to let my 5 yr old know that he hears God's voice too; that still and beautiful quiet voice that leads us into His will for our lives =)

Pride. Struggle Much?

Pride is the hardest thing to kill.  It is multi-faceted and springs up in a multitude of ways because of that.  It can be easy to recognize or hidden, but as always it's far easier to see it in someone else rather than in yourself.  Thank the Lord for His Spirit which searches the hearts of His children and reveals what would much rather lay hidden in the dark recesses of our hearts.

Have you ever read what someone has wrote and immediately make what you believe to be a righteous and informed judgment on them or at least that one aspect of their hearts?

Do you ever feel like if people would listen to what you had to offer them, they wouldn't struggle anymore with their issue?

Have you been prideful at seeing someone's 'wrong' view of Christianity ?  What about if that person was a Christian themselves?

Have you dismissed people that are brothers and sisters in Christ, not choosing to love them as you do yourself, and justified it?

Have you judged someones sins and then put them on your metaphorical 'poop' list?

Oh my how the list could go on and on.  What's worse is that I am guilty of each and every one of these question and continually inviting the Lord into my heart to convict me of these and more, and transform my heart into His.  I love feeling that conviction and submitting, no matter how painful it is.  Some say that I'm an extremest and it's not healthy for me to love seeing what's wrong with me, but I'm beyond caring what others think anymore, lol.  I want His Spirit to illuminate everything in me that hinders love, and pride is a big problem in all of us.

I'm not big fan of Rick Joyner, but I absolutely love his book The "Final Quest".  I think his description of pride in that just wows. I've spoke of humility before, and how the Lord is spending this whole season in my life just working this out in me.  I'm rereading Andrew Murray's book entitled "Humility: The Journey to Holiness" and am so grateful for those who've already chosen the way of humbling themselves before God.  We can learn so much from one another.  

Unity in the body of Christ is absolutely possible if we can just get this aspect of Christ's humility manifested in us worked out.  It really is pride that's at the root of our dissentions with one another.    I refuse to allow pride to continue to take up residence in my heart, and am willing to submit to the Lord in everything He brings to my attention.  Lord Jesus help me to make that true if it's not.

Precious to me

Children are known for being able to just completely touch our hearts and move us in profound ways.  Last night at church, my 6 yr old was filling out a prayer request card and asked me if he could go put it in the prayer box.  I asked him if I could see it first, and he handed it to me.  I went ahead and wrote below his writing what he wrote in case it was hard to make out, but oh my, how it moved my heart.

Then after I told him how precious that was to me, I asked him if there was any way that I could keep it, b/c I wanted it forever.  He, of course, smiled and said yes.  I have the three greatest blessings in the entire world in my sons, and I am aware of it, and grateful for it.  What was so astounding about this was that he chose to describe me in a way that we don't even talk.  No one in our house speaks that way, yet he did.  It was as if the Lord spoke to my son, to write down about me what He sees as He watches me.  My sweet lil' boy was just a willing vessel.  My heart is completely wrecked in such a beautiful and broken way over it because I don't even see myself in that way.  I am one of the greatest failures in mothering, yet I am loved.  I will receive this note and own it as being true, even if it's something I am walking out in my day to day.

Constant Affirmation in Growth

I found myself praying last week quite the humbling prayer, of which I didn't even plan on praying, it kind of just spoke itself through my mouth.  I don't know if or how that's possible, but that sure is what it seemed like to me.

I've always referred to myself as a "toddler in Christ", meaning that my spirit is saved by blood of Jesus but my life, actions, thoughts, and heart motives aren't yet in alignment with where my spirit is.   Funny enough, here is the blog I wrote on that (Toddler In Christ, June 2011).  Guess He wasn't saying that's where I was, but rather where I was heading towards!

I've been keenly aware of maturing in Christ and making decisions that do put my life in alignment with His word, as He directs me, and increasing it that.  Last week as I was talking to Him, I had a picture in my head of my current state of maturity in Him and I was NOT a toddler I was a 10 mo old baby.  As I saw this short movie clip playing out in my head, I was praying to the Lord what was going on in it.  I saw these hands coming down and holding me up as I was learning to walk, and encouraging me, and just loving me and enjoying seeing me as I was trying to learn something new.  Then I saw me giving up and crawling over to an electrical outlet to play with that instead.  So I was praying that I needed the Lord's constant encouragement and affirmation, that I needed Him to continually lift me up as I was learning how to walk in Him or else I was certain that I would go and instead busy myself with something that would lead to my spiritual death.

I'm not sure how much sense that makes to anyone reading it, but it was an eye opener to me.  I was considering myself to be more than what I actually was.  It was very humbling, but also encouraging.  If that's the picture I was seeing, than my Father is telling me that is what I am needing from Him and to ask and expect to receive it.  The Lord never shows us things that He's not ready to deal with in our lives and pour out His grace for us to overcome them.

There's been multiple ways that He's been doing exactly what I prayed for Him to do.  He's highlighted patience, being still before Him, having faith and increasing in it, choosing others over myself, and listening immediately to what He says.

This Sunday at church I was listening to someone pray over the Pastor before He gave His sermon.  He was almost done and I had the unction that I should lean over and put something in the bible I saw in front of me.  I hesitated because that just seemed really strange and I didn't want to, and I told the Lord that I couldn't because the prayer was almost over.  I felt such conviction that I wasn't listening to Him and I apologized and told Him to make a way for be to be obedient and I would.  Well, wouldn't you know it, the person finished their prayer and gave the microphone to someone else to pray, so I did choose to listen.  Strangely enough, I opened their bible to the beginning of 2 Peter when I slipped in their surprise, so I wrote that down b/c I wasn't sure whether that was for me or for them, or both.  I felt perfect peace afterwards which is a wonderful indication that I was following in the way in which I should.  My ears were now especially open to anything that would come from 2 Peter and I thanked Him for allowing me the opportunity to partner with Him, and repented for not listening immediately.

Now b/c I've asked Him to constantly affirm things to me, He did.  This is the part that wows me.  The Pastor began to teach on various scriptures and lo and behold 2 Peter 1:21 came up.

2 Peter 1:21  ²¹ For no prophecy was ever produced by the will of man, but men spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit.

This verse spoke volumes to me.  It's hard to put it all into words as the last 3 yrs have a lot to do with it, but I will do my best.  For anyone who wants a better understanding of what prophecy is, check out http://www.christcenteredmall.com/teachings/gifts/prophecy.htm

Now what I had done in listening to the Lord's promptings was not a prophetic act, but the same discernment in listening was still required.  I heard the Lord's still and quiet voice and acted, and this verse brought that to the forefront for me.  I have been practicing hearing from the Lord for others and speaking His heart to them (aka prophecy) for the last 3 yrs.  I find it's much easier to hear for someone else than it is yourself, and the less you know them, the easier it is!  However, this Sunday morning, I heard for myself, and did what He asked, and He affirmed me in that both in providing an extended opportunity to be obedient and in the Pastor talking about the above verse.   After church I went up for prayer and once again the Lord highlight one specific verse for me that I just keep struggling to come into, and then another one which is on the same exact thing.   This also blesses me immensely because He is keeping His finger on this one issue which is causing me distance from Him and He wants to walk me through it.  Nevermind that I'm on my 3rd year of hearing this one scripture!  I'm choosing to believe that this incredibly slow victory I'm obtaining in this one area just means this victory can never be taken from me because I will be well established in it, lol.

It's so difficult to write about things that affect the spirit b/c spiritual things can not be understood in the flesh, but I wanted so badly to try and give Him the glory for what He's doing in my life.  If you have made it this far in my bumbling testimony, PRAISE THE LORD!  I pray that you were in some way touched and your flame for God is burning even brighter as is my prayer for myself and the rest of His body.

Here is the most amazing 11 min video on the gospel I have ever watched:

Why God?

Let me preface this by saying I do not believe that everything that happens is the will of God.   Feel free to ask questions and I'll address them to the best of my ability, but for right now my understanding is that the Lord uses ALL THINGS for His glory but doesn't necessarily orchestrate those things.  That said, He does have the power to stop things from occurring.

As much as we might sometimes despise it,  he chooses to allow self-will to have its reign in our lives, for better or for worse.  I know of very few Christians who haven't held some kind of grudge against the Lord at some point in time because He allowed a certain tragedy to completely darken their lives that they felt they should have been spared.  My prayer is that we would all search our hearts and give Him that pain so that we can be healed from the things that are brought into our lives from that unforgiveness in our hearts.

After coming to believe that Jesus was in fact the Son of God and not only that, but that He also chose to take my sin upon Himself and be crucified for me, and then resurrected to one day judge the living and the dead, I had a certain peace about my life that was secure.

Fast forward through my incredibly slow walk of faith to about 3 yrs ago when my faith was shaken and I had to come to terms with a God who allowed something to happen that hurt someone very dear to me.  I had rationalized all the other hurt I went through before I started praying (aka talking to Him daily) as what happens when one doesn't know the love of God.  I had now found if I was to continue to believe in a God who was always love, then I needed to have Him address this certain situation and show me how I could still trust Him with all those I held dear and prayed for.

Thankfully, the Lord did provide me a way to see through the pain of the situation, and see that He had also done things that I hadn't recognized at that time as being from Him, but He was trying to minimize the pain that would occur.  As asinine as it sounds, I had to forgive God for not doing what I thought He should have (and forgive myself for missing His leadings), and then trust Him with the ability to use the situation for the good of His kingdom.

I've encountered many situations since then where I've been blessed to see the Lord intervene in them.  There's been times where His intervention was heeded and others where He wasn't.  The results of not recognizing His hand can range from small to devastating.

I wonder how many times the Lord has prompted me to see something that I've just completely ignored not realizing that it was the mercy of God that I was shrugging off.  I want to walk into every blessing He has for me and walk through as little tumultuous pain as possible.  I no longer want to be flippant about listening to His powerful love that desires to guide me into His best.

I guess the purpose of me writing this is to give Him glory for all that He wants to do in me, and thank Him for doing it even though He knows how much of it will just fall by the wayside b/c I won't listen to Him.  I want to thank Him for loving me and not giving up on me, for being loving to me even when I was ignorant or callous towards Him and what He wanted to do.

My prayer is to continue to grow in my awareness of His still and quiet voice that leads me to still waters where I can be refreshed and trust Him, and to ask Him to not allow me to unknowingly ignore His attempts to keep me or my loved ones from harm whether it be emotionally, physically or spiritually.

Although I know that whether I choose to listen or not, or whether life happens and there was nothing said for me to act on, He will be there to comfort me through the ordeal.  He doesn't love like I do with conditions and walls.  He loves without measure and the more I seek Him, the more I find Him.  God is love and I desire to know that love in His fullness, and to love like Him.

Blessings in disguise

I am part of a couple online boards that have managed, for the most part, to defy the odds of understanding and have actually been a source of great comfort to me.  We encourage one another, hold one another accountable in love, offer an understanding heart, and encounter many different viewpoints/personalities/personal faiths to help broaden our ability to relate and empathize with one another.

We've have endured the pain together through the loss of jobs and babies, encouraging those in hard marriages, broken family relationships, betrayal of friends, etc...  We have come to know each other, respect one another, and develop a bond through all kinds of situations.

Recently one of our friends has gotten into a ridiculously hard situation with jobs, house selling, house buying, trying to find a new job, and trying to be optimistic and a supportive wife and mother for her family.  We got together to try and figure out how we could bless her, and just let her know that no matter how screwed up things get, that she is blessed and can trust that it will all work out.  They say it's always darkest before the dawn.  My personal feeling is that sometimes the dire things we go through are the only ways we could have developed a closer relationship with our Lord b/c we're desperate for Him in the situation when we've exhausted ourselves trying to make it work and are more in tune with His voice.  His timing in never ours, but it does always come together no matter how messed up it seems.  Anyways, we decided to go in together and get her a gift certificate for her and her husband to each get an hour long massage.  Since they don't do couples massages, we also got her a pedicure to bide her time while she waits for the hubby to get done.  YES, YES, YES, my sweet friend, you did just read that right.  Go to Haar Friseure Spa and Salon and give them your name and cell phone # to pick up your gift certificate, OR you can just make an appt b/c they have your gift card already registered in their computer system under your name ;)

Moral of the story:  Read the links people send you, lolololol.

Can we hear directly from God

YES!!!!  In fact, it's God's intention that we hear directly from Him.  It's because He loves us with such a zealous love, He wants us to depend on Him and not ourselves.  He created us to be one with Him through His Son.  Our current misunderstanding of trying to live a "good life" while He's up there somewhere in Heaven watching, tallying our deeds, blowing off our failures, and waiting to fulfill His purpose in creating us until we die and get up there, could NOT be more wrong.   We are to bring Heaven to Earth now; forgive so He forgives us, treat others as better than ourselves.  He desires to be personally involved in every aspect of our lives, and the more time we spend with Him, the more we recognize Him.  Or as I like to say, our eyes are opened where we were once blind.

Now that's not to say that I hear from Him on everything, b/c I don't.  Actually, there are many things in my life where I don't, but yet I can hear for other people and what He wants to tell them.  I think part of that is spiritual maturity (I've got a ways to go to be what He told us to be made into in His word) and the other part is that the Lord wants us to rely on His body (the followers of Jesus Christ aka the church) and not get into spiritual pride thinking we don't need anyone but Him.  Let me give two examples of someone hearing from the Lord (aka prophecy)... and then one where I did.

Last week I was blessed beyond words by a man Steve and I do not know very well coming up to us and speaking some words that God had placed on his heart for us.  He addressed three areas of which he had zero knowledge, but Steve and I knew exactly what he was talking about.  I was so excited that the Lord, in His love, did such a wonderful thing for us.  I'd love to go into more detail, but since it involves someone besides me, I'll wait for the go ahead ;)

Then tonight at church, I had my heart touched in a way that surprised even me with the Lord's heart for me.  I was at the front of the church (my normal place, lol) and was just praising the Lord while the Worship Team was singing.  After a while, the Pastor asked anyone who wanted prayer to come up, and for the prayer ministry team to come and pray for whoever they feel led to (there are flexible guidelines in place as far as praying for others goes).  One of the women on the worship team came over, gently placing her hand on me, and started softly singing 'Lord she just wants to know You'  Then she heard directly from Him, allowing her voice to give utterance to His heart, she continued singing 'I want her to know Me...', which led to her singing over really private and intimate cries of my heart, allowing me to hear that my Daddy sees those places, and His desire is for me to know Him in all of those ways also.  I can't explain to you how it felt to have her verbally say what He sees in my house, where I'm literally standing as I'm talking to Him, what I'm asking in those rooms of my house, the secret 'acceptable' sin of my heart, the insecurity that hides stealthily deep in my soul, and then His promise that I will see what I desire to have.  I wish that I had the writing skills that I see in my friends blogs b/c I know that I'm not even coming close to doing this beautiful gift the Lord has given us justice.  It has changed my life.

Last Wednesday at church, they had the prophecy team come up to the front of the church and just ask the Lord if there was anything He wanted to say to anyone.  I got a few bible verses and a few things impressed on my heart to share with a woman I didn't know, and I was VERY hesitant to do it.  I finally decided that God was bigger than me, and if I screwed it up, He can fix it.    I spoke forth what I felt has been given to me to say and there was no reaction that I could see from this woman, but that was okay b/c I knew that I was just trying to listen to the Lord, and regardless everything would be alright.  Then on Sat, I got confirmation that I nailed it, and the girl was completely blown away by what I had said.  Even better though, tonight as I was leaving, she just happened to be there for her 2nd time at our church, and came up to me to tell me how the bible verses I gave her addressed the 3 things on her heart, and how the words I spoke to her encouraged her so much b/c she was really struggling in those areas.

I was already in such a place of awe b/c of how the Lord had spoken to me through someone, and now I got to be even more awed that He would be so specific through me to address the concerns of her heart.  I am a mess.  I have so many flaws. I trust, lean on, and believe in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (note that the Lord is not just Savior, but also Lord), and He works through me in spite of my problems, b/c that's who He is.  God is love, and He'll work through anyone who will yield themselves to Him.

I can honestly say that I can't believe that I believe what I do, but there isn't a possibility that anyone could convince me otherwise now.  How does one turn back and deny the Holy Spirit once they've tasted and seen how good God is?  How can people expect me to not shout it from the rooftops when it's literally changed my life and who I am for the better?  His gifts are free, we might as well utilize them.