You ever go through something, and then learn where you were at in the situation through hindsight? That's where I'm at now. I've been struggling with anger for about 5 mo now, it's been surreptitiously intertwined through my day to day goings on, so much so that I couldn't isolate it, but just was aware of the presence. I searched my psyche for the cause, blaming it on hormones because I was at such a loss to explain where it manifested from. My husband and my SIL had both commented on how sad I looked, but I told them both that I was fine. I had confided in my SIL that if anything I felt angry, but that lately it seemed to be breaking a bit and I had a bit of sadness and I much rather feel that that the anger.
My SIL responded to that with "Anger is just one step in the grieving process, nothing more, nothing less. The Lord has been grieved and continues to be grieved by the actions of His children, and even in the Bible the Lord reacted in anger as part of the grieving. There is nothing wrong with it, and it shall pass on to the next phase. And you are still a beacon for Christ as you go through it. I would be surprised if He removes the anger until its due course, as it is part of the healing process, and to deny it or rush it will only postpone the journey to the fullness of Christ. I love you so very much and also see His arms encircling you at this time. He knows your hurt, knows your heart, andmost of all knows the journey He is taking you on. Trust in Him fully, and those walls will get thinner and thinner, until you can see Him and feel the Holy Spirit. It's a sweet journey of the heart that you don't want to rush."
That touched my heart with this revelation that I was grieving the loss of my 4th baby, and that was okay. I had just assumed that God was pouring out His grace allowing me to deal with life relatively unaffected by the miscarriage and the hell that surrounded that. Of course at this time I had also suffered the loss of my 5th baby which I have no doubt affected the grieving process in some way, but I just mentally lock up the things that cause me anguish so I kept feeling like I was handling it so well, when in reality I just didn't deal with it.
The last month my anger has turned to sadness and it's actually an appreciated transition. I've already been the underlying angry wife/mom/woman and to go back to that was just UGH! I'm not a fan of the sadness, but I'll take it over the anger any day. I don't know what God has planned for me, or how He's going to use this for His glory, but I choose to believe He can and He will. So while my heart hurts, and my eyes tear up with the knowledge that my arms would have held a newborn tomorrow (I always induced one week early, lol). I put my faith into the sweet presence of my Lord and Savior, that while I don't have all the answers or even indications of an answer, He does.
I hope that the dates Sept 17th, 2011 and March 7th, 2012 won't always bring about the feeling of loss and hurt, and I believe that they won't. I know that I'll see those boys in Heaven that I briefly carried here and saw their precious hearts beat in a beautiful, rhythmic, and amazing thumping that brought such joy to me to see and hear. I continue to rejoice in the blessing of my 3 blessed boys that are God's gifts to me and my devoted husband, and I am thankful for all that I have. May our babies be surrounded by the love of God, both those with Him and those with us.
For anyone dealing with a miscarriage, 40 Weeks by Paige Beselt is an amazing book to read. http://www.amazon.com/40-weeks-Paige-Beselt/dp/1460936361/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1315621857&sr=8-1
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Friday, September 9, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
It just sucks sometimes
Life isn't always fair, whatever that means. I have friends who complain constantly about the tiny bit wrong in their ideal lives, and other friends who are always singing praises to God while their life appears to be falling apart piece by piece with no breaks.
One of the main things I've learned is that we only know what we've been through, and we need to be empathetic with those who've had better and worse lives. Compassion is to be graciously poured out in all circumstances, and prayer to see someone as God sees them is necessary more that I'd like to admit.
Life happens, and we deal with it how we know to. I am so grateful for the work that God has done in my life in the last 12 yrs. It's been a S-L-O-W process that has hit a bit of fast forward button the last 2 yrs as far as some of my friends have been concerned, but it's not near fast enough for me.
This May I had a D&C b/c my body would not process the miscarriage that occurred back in January. That's a really long story, but everything ended up the way it apparently was supposed to and I did what I could to deal with it. This June I got pregnant, much sooner than I had thought, b/c I didn't even know I ovulated, but was very happy and immediately got into the Dr to have all my levels measured. My progesterone was in the normal range, but my Dr chose to supplement it b/c he thought that maybe that's why my last miscarriage occurred, and had me come in every Monday to get more blood drawn. Two weeks in, my progesterone levels dropped some so my Dr had me double the supplementing. That worked to increase them and my quant levels were going up as they should be. I went in for my ultrasound, and my 7 wk 5 day lil' one was only measuring 5 wk 5 days with a heartrate of 115 bpm. My Dr wasn't concerned and just assumed I had ovulated late, but I had a suspicion that there was a developmental problem. I chose to ignore that suspicion and just be thankful for the heartbeat, b/c when I lost my other baby at 5 wk 6 days and had assumed that a heartbeat never developed and that's why the lil' guy never made it.
Two week later, on Tuesday I got a call from the RN and she said that my blood work did not look good. My progesterone was in a normal range, but my quant levels did not double from the week before. I knew what that meant, although I was holding out hope for a divine miracle. I went in on Thursday to get another ultrasound and this time the baby had no heartbeat and had only grown one day past the ultrasound two weeks previous. I don't know what's with 5 wks 6 days but that is when I lost both of my babies. I really didn't think that I was going to lose this one, but I kept trying to keep myself from getting excited about the pregnancy b/c of the possibility. That didn't help the pain at all though once I found out that I did lose the baby.
I went in the following Wednesday for another D&C, my Dr wasn't okay with allowing me to try and go naturally after how my body handled the last one. I was at a different hospital and it was much more emotional that the first one. This post would be a book though if I got into that…
I am now home and okay. God is still good even though He allowed the miscarriage of this child. I have some questions that may never get answered this side of heaven, and when I get to that side I probably won't have the questions anymore.
I have friends who've never been able to get pregnant or have struggled with such intensity to keep the children they have forced their bodies to carry, that it's hard for them to really put themselves where I am with 3 beautiful and healthy boys, followed by two miscarriages, b/c my pain would be a blessing to them. Then I have other friends, who've never experienced a loss that are unable to really relate b/c they haven't been through it. We all only know what we've been through and that is okay. It's been me venting a bit to those in the know (and now publicly), but mostly giving it all to God, and asking His grace and praising Him in this current storm. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I am blessed immeasurably and will continue to shout it from the mountaintops. God certainly gave me the voice for it. If you know me, you know!
We have a choice when we go through trials. We can give it to God or we can run from God. The way I see it is where can I go from Him? I may be mad at Him at times, but there's no where He's not. We can't really run away, nor would I even want to. He is my helper, my comforter, and my friend. He is where I will continue to go, and I will ask that He use even this trial to show me His intense and unfailing love for me so that I can come even closer to His heart and He walks this out with me.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
A heart's cry met
Let me back up just bit before I get to the reason I feel God answered the cry of my heart. Since this missed miscarriage I've had surprisingly little grief overcome me with body racking sobs. Matter of factly, it only occurred twice, the same day I found out, and lasted only a couple seconds each time as I drove home from the Dr's office. I've been attributing this to God's amazing grace in my life to handle it, but have been having a nagging thought that it's my defense mechanisms at work rather than God pouring out so much grace to me.
The Wednesday before my D&C (that Friday) I went to church and had some prayer ministry. As I was walking up for prayer, I felt totally fine and at peace. I started speaking to the women and was telling them about my D&C that coming Friday and tears started running down my face. I was completely taken aback at the tears and wondering where in the heck they were coming from, but just assumed that God was doing something and I was totally okay with it. As I was driving home, I started thinking more that although I am sure that God's giving me grace to handle this hurt, I was pretty sure that I must be locking some of this pain up, but just wasn't sure how to access it or where I was hiding it. One of the main reasons I've come to this conclusion is b/c my headaches have started back in.
About 3 yrs ago I went to the Dr because of these horrible piercing headaches I was having. The end result was that they were tension headaches and I needed to relax. Hahaha, right? I had 3 boys, aged 4 and under, and I was supposed to relax? Well, God has done an amazing thing in my life by affording me peace in the chaos that surrounds me. My headaches had completely left me until about a month ago. I'm still calm, at least for me, and couldn't figure out what could possibly be causing them until someone brought up that maybe it was the stress from the loss of Elijah. I tossed the idea around in my head a bit, not really too sure of it because of the fact that I wasn't feeling stressed about it, but didn't shut the idea down.
Fast forward one week to last night, I was at the Wednesday prayer service and kept feeling like God was wanting me to go over to this woman and ask her to pray for and impart something to me. I kept listening and asking God what she was supposed to impart, but heard nothing. So finally after about 5-10 min, I went over to her and asked her to pray for me. We prayed together and asked for the Spirit of God to come illuminate what He was wanting us to pray for, but again heard nothing. She said well let me just tell you about my testimony today and we'll go from there. After listening to her and just talking about different things associate with it, I told her how I lost my lil' one and was thinking that maybe these headaches I was having was due to me having the emotions related to it, locked away some where in the recesses of my mind.
Right after I finished telling her about that, David (a man who's shown himself to hear from God reliably and be very trustworthy to the calling on his life) came up to the front of the church and said that He felt God was placing it on his heart that He was wanting to heal the hearts of those who've undergone some kind of pain and to raise their hands. I didn't raise my hand b/c for whatever reason, I didn't think I needed my heart healed so I just continued my conversation with this woman. About 5 min. later David came back up and said that he strongly felt the Lord direct him into what the church body there was to be praying for, and that was pregnancies. He said that the Lord wants to heal wombs that have lost babies, and have us pray for protection over the wombs that will carry life, and then told us what to pray. He asked for those to raise their hands that were trying or would be trying to have a baby, that time I raised my hand.
I'm still figuring out where I stand with the loss of Elijah, but am so grateful that God persistently went after the pain in my heart. Especially since I was so slow to realize that it was still a wound, and wasn't jumping at the opportunity for healing prayer the first time. I love how God shows Himself to me, and can only pray that He does so in greater and greater measure until I'm in His presence so thick that I feel consumed by His love for me. My heart's cry was met last night, and I have no doubt at all that He will continue to meet me where I need, even when I'm not aware that I need it.
Oh, and later on God finally answered what I was getting imparted to me as I had asked that woman to pray for me. He said "Truth.". I walked by her and let her know that He had answered, what He said, and that she had done that. She laughed and said "Oh good! I was wondering whether I had done what He intended." Our journey's with God/Jesus/Holy Spirit are so unique, personal, and filled with valley's and mountain's, but one thing is for certain... we are all being called to the same place and that is to be in Him in all things.
The Wednesday before my D&C (that Friday) I went to church and had some prayer ministry. As I was walking up for prayer, I felt totally fine and at peace. I started speaking to the women and was telling them about my D&C that coming Friday and tears started running down my face. I was completely taken aback at the tears and wondering where in the heck they were coming from, but just assumed that God was doing something and I was totally okay with it. As I was driving home, I started thinking more that although I am sure that God's giving me grace to handle this hurt, I was pretty sure that I must be locking some of this pain up, but just wasn't sure how to access it or where I was hiding it. One of the main reasons I've come to this conclusion is b/c my headaches have started back in.
About 3 yrs ago I went to the Dr because of these horrible piercing headaches I was having. The end result was that they were tension headaches and I needed to relax. Hahaha, right? I had 3 boys, aged 4 and under, and I was supposed to relax? Well, God has done an amazing thing in my life by affording me peace in the chaos that surrounds me. My headaches had completely left me until about a month ago. I'm still calm, at least for me, and couldn't figure out what could possibly be causing them until someone brought up that maybe it was the stress from the loss of Elijah. I tossed the idea around in my head a bit, not really too sure of it because of the fact that I wasn't feeling stressed about it, but didn't shut the idea down.
Fast forward one week to last night, I was at the Wednesday prayer service and kept feeling like God was wanting me to go over to this woman and ask her to pray for and impart something to me. I kept listening and asking God what she was supposed to impart, but heard nothing. So finally after about 5-10 min, I went over to her and asked her to pray for me. We prayed together and asked for the Spirit of God to come illuminate what He was wanting us to pray for, but again heard nothing. She said well let me just tell you about my testimony today and we'll go from there. After listening to her and just talking about different things associate with it, I told her how I lost my lil' one and was thinking that maybe these headaches I was having was due to me having the emotions related to it, locked away some where in the recesses of my mind.
Right after I finished telling her about that, David (a man who's shown himself to hear from God reliably and be very trustworthy to the calling on his life) came up to the front of the church and said that He felt God was placing it on his heart that He was wanting to heal the hearts of those who've undergone some kind of pain and to raise their hands. I didn't raise my hand b/c for whatever reason, I didn't think I needed my heart healed so I just continued my conversation with this woman. About 5 min. later David came back up and said that he strongly felt the Lord direct him into what the church body there was to be praying for, and that was pregnancies. He said that the Lord wants to heal wombs that have lost babies, and have us pray for protection over the wombs that will carry life, and then told us what to pray. He asked for those to raise their hands that were trying or would be trying to have a baby, that time I raised my hand.
I'm still figuring out where I stand with the loss of Elijah, but am so grateful that God persistently went after the pain in my heart. Especially since I was so slow to realize that it was still a wound, and wasn't jumping at the opportunity for healing prayer the first time. I love how God shows Himself to me, and can only pray that He does so in greater and greater measure until I'm in His presence so thick that I feel consumed by His love for me. My heart's cry was met last night, and I have no doubt at all that He will continue to meet me where I need, even when I'm not aware that I need it.
Oh, and later on God finally answered what I was getting imparted to me as I had asked that woman to pray for me. He said "Truth.". I walked by her and let her know that He had answered, what He said, and that she had done that. She laughed and said "Oh good! I was wondering whether I had done what He intended." Our journey's with God/Jesus/Holy Spirit are so unique, personal, and filled with valley's and mountain's, but one thing is for certain... we are all being called to the same place and that is to be in Him in all things.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
It is finished, at least the physical part of it!
It's Saturday morning and I'm feeling alright.
My coffee is in my hand and sips of it
bring remembrance of yesterday's plight.
My womb is now empty, and it's okay,
because my heart is filled with the promise of a new day.
lol. My lame attempt at poetry. I'm all about trying new things b/c even in failing at them, I still have another experience to add to my life. I tried to add another stanza, but it's not working for me ;)
As Thursday night was upon me, I found myself at a strange peace with the D&C that was awaiting me Friday morning. I still struggled with WHY my body was not doing what God had created to, but also had reached a point of submission with it and just expected God to use this situation to benefit His kingdom somehow and someway. My husband worked late trying to get as much done as he could and when he finally got home it was 10pm. I warmed up leftovers for him and brought him the computer to get on and read the news and whatnot. After he finished dinner, he grabbed his plate with one hand and the laptop with the other and walked towards the kitchen sink. I heard a CRASH and turned to see my computer laying on the floor with my husband just looking at it with complete disbelief that he just dropped it.
I held my breath as he picked it up and turned it on. Nothing. He tried again, and again, and again... Nothing. He started turning the computer over, thinking of taking pieces of it off trying to figure it out the problem. I encouraged him multiple times to leave it be and just go hop in the shower. Thanks be to God he finally listened. My hubby is NOT a computer guy and I am pretty sure that had he tried to fix it, we'd be even more screwed, lol. I wasn't upset at all, it was an accident and accidents happen, but I was a little morose that I just lost my ability to maintain contact with the rest of the world.
The next morning I get up at 5am and hop in the shower. I go to use the soap they told me to use to prep for the surgery and it very bluntly states "Do Not Use On *gentle parts*", so I respect the label and choose not to use! I can't help but wonder though why in the world they would tell me to use something that would obviously have a negative/harmful reaction if used. One more way God is testing my ability to have grace?
I get to the hospital at 7am for my prep for my 9am D&C. Everything was done and I was ready to go at 7:50am. My IV hurt like heck in my hand, although I was really trying to just ignore it. At 8:10 am the nurse comes in to let me know that my Dr had a patient go in to labor at another hospital and would be late, but would be there as soon as he could. I just looked to heavens, took a deep breath, and started praying for a quick, perfect, and wonderful delivery for that mother and child. At 10:30 am, they got me in. I was put under, which I am so so so so so so so thankful for. That drug burned like all heck in my IV that already was painful, but well worth it, in my opinion.
I woke up in recovery. I have been very blessed to have a relatively painless recovery with minimal cramping.
I spent all day Saturday at church and was so blessed by the prophetic gift that God gives His children. The teaching, oh my goodness the teaching, was phenomenal. Lord God help me to come into my calling and consecrate myself to You as Your revelation to me of Your intense love becomes more of a reality.
Today is Mother's Day. It's a bit ironic that I had my 4th child's remains taken from my womb the same weekend that I celebrate being a mom, but I was a mom for a very brief time period to baby Elijah and I will never forget that. Happy Mother's Day to all you mom's currently and those desiring to be =)
Here is a picture that my 6 1/2 yr old, almost 5 yr old, and 3 yr old drew to celebrate me...
My coffee is in my hand and sips of it
bring remembrance of yesterday's plight.
My womb is now empty, and it's okay,
because my heart is filled with the promise of a new day.
lol. My lame attempt at poetry. I'm all about trying new things b/c even in failing at them, I still have another experience to add to my life. I tried to add another stanza, but it's not working for me ;)
As Thursday night was upon me, I found myself at a strange peace with the D&C that was awaiting me Friday morning. I still struggled with WHY my body was not doing what God had created to, but also had reached a point of submission with it and just expected God to use this situation to benefit His kingdom somehow and someway. My husband worked late trying to get as much done as he could and when he finally got home it was 10pm. I warmed up leftovers for him and brought him the computer to get on and read the news and whatnot. After he finished dinner, he grabbed his plate with one hand and the laptop with the other and walked towards the kitchen sink. I heard a CRASH and turned to see my computer laying on the floor with my husband just looking at it with complete disbelief that he just dropped it.
I held my breath as he picked it up and turned it on. Nothing. He tried again, and again, and again... Nothing. He started turning the computer over, thinking of taking pieces of it off trying to figure it out the problem. I encouraged him multiple times to leave it be and just go hop in the shower. Thanks be to God he finally listened. My hubby is NOT a computer guy and I am pretty sure that had he tried to fix it, we'd be even more screwed, lol. I wasn't upset at all, it was an accident and accidents happen, but I was a little morose that I just lost my ability to maintain contact with the rest of the world.
The next morning I get up at 5am and hop in the shower. I go to use the soap they told me to use to prep for the surgery and it very bluntly states "Do Not Use On *gentle parts*", so I respect the label and choose not to use! I can't help but wonder though why in the world they would tell me to use something that would obviously have a negative/harmful reaction if used. One more way God is testing my ability to have grace?
I get to the hospital at 7am for my prep for my 9am D&C. Everything was done and I was ready to go at 7:50am. My IV hurt like heck in my hand, although I was really trying to just ignore it. At 8:10 am the nurse comes in to let me know that my Dr had a patient go in to labor at another hospital and would be late, but would be there as soon as he could. I just looked to heavens, took a deep breath, and started praying for a quick, perfect, and wonderful delivery for that mother and child. At 10:30 am, they got me in. I was put under, which I am so so so so so so so thankful for. That drug burned like all heck in my IV that already was painful, but well worth it, in my opinion.
I woke up in recovery. I have been very blessed to have a relatively painless recovery with minimal cramping.
I spent all day Saturday at church and was so blessed by the prophetic gift that God gives His children. The teaching, oh my goodness the teaching, was phenomenal. Lord God help me to come into my calling and consecrate myself to You as Your revelation to me of Your intense love becomes more of a reality.
Today is Mother's Day. It's a bit ironic that I had my 4th child's remains taken from my womb the same weekend that I celebrate being a mom, but I was a mom for a very brief time period to baby Elijah and I will never forget that. Happy Mother's Day to all you mom's currently and those desiring to be =)
Here is a picture that my 6 1/2 yr old, almost 5 yr old, and 3 yr old drew to celebrate me...
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Almost over...
It is almost over. My D&C is tomorrow morning. I find it a bit crappy that I'm getting the remnants of my 4th pregnancy removed Mother's Day weekend. Kind of sucky if you ask me. My Dr was so very humble and apologized that I am going through this 2 mo after finding out my baby died, and 3 mo now of him being in heaven. He said that in hindsight since my numbers were dropping but not as fast as he's used to, he should have done things differently. Hindsight is always 20/20. I appreciated his honesty and heart. He asked me to forgive him and I told him that I wasn't mad at him. We're all human and make mistakes, and I'm just thankful that I didn't suffer any other consequences of having this inside of me so long. Leave it to me to be a medical marvel, lol. God is in this and is doing something great, and I need to keep my thoughts on Him, and completely come out of agreement with any kind of self-pity. It is what it is, and God loves me so much that He is here to get me through it.
Monday, May 2, 2011
When belief and reality collide...
I'm left wondering whether I prayed the right prayers, if God was listening, if I'm out of God's will, whether I should continue to believe for what I've been praying, or whether instead I should accept what reality says and adjust my prayers.
I had my ultrasound today at the hospital and found out that I am still carring a baby that died three months ago. All of this spotting for the last 2 months has been fruitless, as have the prayers for an efficient miscarriage. I remember my first reaction when the Dr asked me how I wanted to handle the loss and I immediately said 'Let my body pass the baby through naturally.' I was terrified at the possibility of a D&C, the machines that I view as an instrument used to take the lives of precious children before they are legally given any rights, being used to suck the body of a child I barely knew out of me. I can't help but think that because I was in fear at the prospect of getting a D&C, that God is bringing me to that place to face my fear. I don't know if that is something God would do or not. I actually remember thinking that 3 days after finding out that my Elijah had died, but convinced myself that was NOT something that I had to fear.
I am a wealth of mixed emotions right now. Frustration that I had to demand the ultrasound because my Dr had no concerns with my falling hcg levels. Anger that now that he knows the baby is still there, he wants to do a D&C (obviously worried now, huh?). Sadness that I am still carrying a baby in my womb that I can't have. Disgust with my body that I have to have this child physically removed from it b/c it still continues to fail me. Brokenness over it all. Thankfulness that I have 3 healthy, loving, energetic, loud, beautiful, God loving children and a husband to stand with me as I face everything that I will encounter in life. Peace because as the thoughts try to flood in and pull me in to a place of heartache and chaotic and battling ideas, I can give it to God and declare His word over it, and then His peace comes. At least until the next wave comes, and then I have to do it all over again, lol. Such is life.
I go in tomorrow to schedule my D&C, and barring any unforeseen complications, I will be done with this. I'm not fearful either, not excited by any means, but not fearful either. My Father is there and He loves me. Who/what can be against me if God is for me? God can do anything, and when He doesn't, there is something that can be used for growth and maturity in it.
I had my ultrasound today at the hospital and found out that I am still carring a baby that died three months ago. All of this spotting for the last 2 months has been fruitless, as have the prayers for an efficient miscarriage. I remember my first reaction when the Dr asked me how I wanted to handle the loss and I immediately said 'Let my body pass the baby through naturally.' I was terrified at the possibility of a D&C, the machines that I view as an instrument used to take the lives of precious children before they are legally given any rights, being used to suck the body of a child I barely knew out of me. I can't help but think that because I was in fear at the prospect of getting a D&C, that God is bringing me to that place to face my fear. I don't know if that is something God would do or not. I actually remember thinking that 3 days after finding out that my Elijah had died, but convinced myself that was NOT something that I had to fear.
I am a wealth of mixed emotions right now. Frustration that I had to demand the ultrasound because my Dr had no concerns with my falling hcg levels. Anger that now that he knows the baby is still there, he wants to do a D&C (obviously worried now, huh?). Sadness that I am still carrying a baby in my womb that I can't have. Disgust with my body that I have to have this child physically removed from it b/c it still continues to fail me. Brokenness over it all. Thankfulness that I have 3 healthy, loving, energetic, loud, beautiful, God loving children and a husband to stand with me as I face everything that I will encounter in life. Peace because as the thoughts try to flood in and pull me in to a place of heartache and chaotic and battling ideas, I can give it to God and declare His word over it, and then His peace comes. At least until the next wave comes, and then I have to do it all over again, lol. Such is life.
I go in tomorrow to schedule my D&C, and barring any unforeseen complications, I will be done with this. I'm not fearful either, not excited by any means, but not fearful either. My Father is there and He loves me. Who/what can be against me if God is for me? God can do anything, and when He doesn't, there is something that can be used for growth and maturity in it.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
And so it continues...
I've not had much to say which is very surprising for me. I still haven't passed the baby through from my missed miscarriage. Two weeks after I found out that the baby had died, I finally started showing signs of the miscarriage coming. It's now been a month and a half, and all I still have is the same exact 'sign' that started March 11th. I've been going in every 2 wks and getting my hcg levels checked, the levels are falling as they should be according to my Dr. This last time I called to get my blood results, I had the nurse ask the Dr. how much longer I could expect this to continue. She called me back to say that I'm the longest it's ever gone so he has no idea, but to not worry since my hcg levels are falling.
I'm currently struggling with feeling offended at my Dr's office, worried about my body and what the heck is wrong, very seriously contemplating getting my tubes tied, and then the normal everyday things that occupy our minds at any given time. I feel so childish and selfish to be irritated with my Dr, but I feel like he should have taken the 75 sec it would have taken to give me that answer about how much longer it should be instead of allowing the woman on the phone to give it to me. I've always thought that he was such a caring Dr, always asking about my husband, and making small talk, but yet since I've lost this baby, I've had no contact at all with him. The part about me being the longest patient he's ever had to go through this, is more than enough reason in my opinion to have personally spoken with me. Why isn't he more curious why my body is handling the miscarriage like it is? Ugh, I feel even more like a big baby typing it out. I guess you just have to be in my mind to truly understand. It's not like I'm so important he should make time to talk to me, but more like I'm a medical exception so he'd want to find out what's going on.
Then I've got the whole getting my tubes tied thing. I desperately WANT another baby, but that's not enough reason to have one. I'm 34, my hubby is almost 37, and we have 3 healthy and perfect sons. There are so many reasons NOT to have another baby, and I feel selfish even considering another one. I just need God's peace in this.
This week my oldest moved out of his bunk bed and into the "nursery". My 'baby' moved out of the nursery into the bunk bed. It's been such a blessing to watch these boys grow up. I'm laughing as I type "grow up" since my oldest is only 6, but still.
On the positive side of all of this, my walk towards knowing God and His heart, following Jesus like what He intended, and allowing the Holy Spirit of God to work in and through me has been very fruitful. I'm going to make an attempt to read the entire bible from front to back. Even if the majority of it goes over my head, I'm not going to make lists of questions, I'm just going to read what God felt it important to impart to the men that wrote it, and allow that to do whatever it is going to do in my life. All scripture is useful, so I may as well read all of it, lol.
I'm currently struggling with feeling offended at my Dr's office, worried about my body and what the heck is wrong, very seriously contemplating getting my tubes tied, and then the normal everyday things that occupy our minds at any given time. I feel so childish and selfish to be irritated with my Dr, but I feel like he should have taken the 75 sec it would have taken to give me that answer about how much longer it should be instead of allowing the woman on the phone to give it to me. I've always thought that he was such a caring Dr, always asking about my husband, and making small talk, but yet since I've lost this baby, I've had no contact at all with him. The part about me being the longest patient he's ever had to go through this, is more than enough reason in my opinion to have personally spoken with me. Why isn't he more curious why my body is handling the miscarriage like it is? Ugh, I feel even more like a big baby typing it out. I guess you just have to be in my mind to truly understand. It's not like I'm so important he should make time to talk to me, but more like I'm a medical exception so he'd want to find out what's going on.
Then I've got the whole getting my tubes tied thing. I desperately WANT another baby, but that's not enough reason to have one. I'm 34, my hubby is almost 37, and we have 3 healthy and perfect sons. There are so many reasons NOT to have another baby, and I feel selfish even considering another one. I just need God's peace in this.
This week my oldest moved out of his bunk bed and into the "nursery". My 'baby' moved out of the nursery into the bunk bed. It's been such a blessing to watch these boys grow up. I'm laughing as I type "grow up" since my oldest is only 6, but still.
On the positive side of all of this, my walk towards knowing God and His heart, following Jesus like what He intended, and allowing the Holy Spirit of God to work in and through me has been very fruitful. I'm going to make an attempt to read the entire bible from front to back. Even if the majority of it goes over my head, I'm not going to make lists of questions, I'm just going to read what God felt it important to impart to the men that wrote it, and allow that to do whatever it is going to do in my life. All scripture is useful, so I may as well read all of it, lol.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Three weeks later...
It's been three weeks since my husband and I found out that our baby wasn't going to be one that we could ever hold in our arms. It's been easier and harder than I thought it'd be coming to terms with the news. My body is having a difficult time processing the miscarriage and is not allowing it to happen, but I've been having signs the last 10 days that it's getting the message. I'm amazed at how God has met Steve and I through this and the grace He's poured out to help us maneuver around the unfamiliar terrain. God is so good, even when our circumstances are not.
Steve has this amazing ability to 'know' what people are having, and thus far has yet to be wrong. He was certain that I was carrying a boy and had him named from day one. We will forever refer to him as Baby Elijah. I want him back in my womb, but I have accepted that he's got another purpose than to be cradled lovingly in my arms on this earth.
I pray that God would just continue the work that He's started in my heart. I need His peace and the joy that comes from intimately knowing Him and how much He loves us. I ask for His will to be known on whether we should go for another baby or just rest and enjoy the three wonderful blessings that He had bestowed upon us. I am blessed beyond measure and know that God has so many more blessings stored up for me and I walk in obedience to Him and pursue the desires He places in my heart. Thank You God for what you do and have done in our lives, I want to experience all that You have for me!
Steve has this amazing ability to 'know' what people are having, and thus far has yet to be wrong. He was certain that I was carrying a boy and had him named from day one. We will forever refer to him as Baby Elijah. I want him back in my womb, but I have accepted that he's got another purpose than to be cradled lovingly in my arms on this earth.
I pray that God would just continue the work that He's started in my heart. I need His peace and the joy that comes from intimately knowing Him and how much He loves us. I ask for His will to be known on whether we should go for another baby or just rest and enjoy the three wonderful blessings that He had bestowed upon us. I am blessed beyond measure and know that God has so many more blessings stored up for me and I walk in obedience to Him and pursue the desires He places in my heart. Thank You God for what you do and have done in our lives, I want to experience all that You have for me!
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