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Friday, September 9, 2011

After anger, comes sadness

You ever go through something, and then learn where you were at in the situation through hindsight?  That's where I'm at now.  I've been struggling with anger for about 5 mo now, it's been surreptitiously intertwined through my day to day goings on, so much so that I couldn't isolate it, but just was aware of the presence.  I searched my psyche for the cause, blaming it on hormones because I was at such a loss to explain where it manifested from.  My husband and my SIL had both commented on how sad I looked, but I told them both that I was fine.  I had confided in my SIL that if anything I felt angry, but that lately it seemed to be breaking a bit and I had a bit of sadness and I much rather feel that that the anger.

My SIL responded to that with "Anger is just one step in the grieving process, nothing more, nothing less. The Lord has been grieved and continues to be grieved by the actions of His children, and even in the Bible the Lord reacted in anger as part of the grieving. There is nothing wrong with it, and it shall pass on to the next phase. And you are still a beacon for Christ as you go through it. I would be surprised if He removes the anger until its due course, as it is part of the healing process, and to deny it or rush it will only postpone the journey to the fullness of Christ. I love you so very much and also see His arms encircling you at this time. He knows your hurt, knows your heart, andmost of all knows the journey He is taking you on. Trust in Him fully, and those walls will get thinner and thinner, until you can see Him and feel the Holy Spirit. It's a sweet journey of the heart that you don't want to rush."

That touched my heart with this revelation that I was grieving the loss of my 4th baby, and that was okay.  I had just assumed that God was pouring out His grace allowing me to deal with life relatively unaffected by the miscarriage and the hell that surrounded that.  Of course at this time I had also suffered the loss of my 5th baby which I have no doubt affected the grieving process in some way, but I just mentally lock up the things that cause me anguish so I kept feeling like I was handling it so well, when in reality I just didn't deal with it.

The last month my anger has turned to sadness and it's actually an appreciated transition.  I've already been the underlying angry wife/mom/woman and to go back to that was just UGH!  I'm not a fan of the sadness, but I'll take it over the anger any day.  I don't know what God has planned for me, or how He's going to use this for His glory, but I choose to believe He can and He will.  So while my heart hurts, and my eyes tear up with the knowledge that my arms would have held a newborn tomorrow (I always induced one week early, lol).  I put my faith into the sweet presence of my Lord and Savior, that while I don't have all the answers or even indications of an answer, He does.  

I hope that the dates Sept 17th, 2011 and March 7th, 2012 won't always bring about the feeling of loss and hurt, and I believe that they won't.  I know that I'll see those boys in Heaven that I briefly carried here and saw their precious hearts beat in a beautiful, rhythmic, and amazing thumping that brought such joy to me to see and hear.  I continue to rejoice in the blessing of my 3 blessed boys that are God's gifts to me and my devoted husband, and I am thankful for all that I have.  May our babies be surrounded by the love of God,  both those with Him and those with us.  

For anyone dealing with a miscarriage, 40 Weeks by Paige Beselt is an amazing book to read. 


  1. oh girl ... and this is why i am drawn to you more and more ... love your love for God and love that you shared a piece of yourself with this blogging world ... i'm so sorry for your loss ... but i can so relate when you wrote this "I kept feeling like I was handling it so well, when in reality I just didn't deal with it." amen girl ... lay it at His feet ... even though we aren't sure what He is making out of our trials ... we are putting our trust in Him! and these babies will never be forgotten and it's just makes me even that more excited to enter heaven's gates one day ... what a glorious day that will be!

  2. Way to be open and honest. Stay strong and enjoy those mango slices!!

  3. Aw Dacia, my heart breaks. We love you so and are so proud of the mommy you are. So full of love. I'll most likely be meeting those babies before you and I can't wait to see them. The Word says we're surrounded by a cloud of witnesses and your boys have their other two siblings celebrating right alongside. Bless you.