A Fool, Nonetheless, Yet...

There are times in our lives—most of us, anyway—when we step outside of our true character. My prayer is that those moments are brief, and that regardless of how painful they may be, they become lessons that permanently alter the trajectory of our future choices.

I’ve been spending time reading about the prodigal son, his extravagantly loving father, and his elder brother. There is so much revealed about God’s mercy, grace, and heart in that story, but I’ll leave a deeper exploration of it to another blog linked here: Understanding the Heart of God.

The Bible says in Proverbs 26:11, “As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats their folly.” I’ve seen this verse play out in my own life more times than I care to admit, along with the pain that accompanies it. If I’m being transparent, I’m currently in the middle of trying to figure out how to stop walking in that cycle. No one wants to be a fool. I think that’s partly why we’re so quick to point out the errors of others—it reassures us that at least we aren’t failing in that particular way. Maybe that gives us comfort. Maybe it doesn’t. Just a thought.

For this blog entry, I want to focus on the fusion of two biblical passages: Luke 15:11–32 and Daniel 4. Both tell stories of the Lord graciously restoring clarity of mind after individuals made choices that took them outside of His will for their lives. Both men had serious issues, yet God blessed them. Not only did they lose nothing in the end, but they were blessed even more abundantly. I don’t believe either man was ever the same afterward. Their descent into destruction gave them a much-needed, permanently altered perspective on life.

One man, driven by entitlement, demanded his inheritance from his father and squandered it completely—only to come to his senses, return home with a plan of repentance, and be treated like royalty. The other, a king, lost his sanity and lived among animals, yet was later restored to his throne and became even greater than before. Neither story makes logical sense. Who holds themselves in such high esteem, is deeply humbled because of their own foolishness, and then ends up more blessed afterward?

It would be completely understandable for onlookers to feel angry that these men were rewarded after turning away from what was right. Why would God do such a thing? Some might argue that in the first story, the father made a mistake—but I disagree. In the second, it is undeniably the Lord who restores and blesses. And for the record, I agree that neither man deserved to be blessed. But that is precisely where so many of us miss the heart of our Father when we observe the lives and failures of others.

May we allow God to search our hearts and reveal the hidden wickedness within us, rather than focusing on the wickedness around us. It’s healthier for us in every way. No one gets away with anything in His kingdom—whether or not we witness the correction ourselves.

The Word of God assures us that the pain we experience in this life is not wasted, but is ultimately for His glory—glory we are invited to share if we remain in agreement with Him. This is explored more deeply in another blog linked here: Pain Is Not Wasted. I am grateful for the opportunity to live the life He has designed for me, which consistently proves to be far better than anything I could have imagined. My prayer is that we all come to feel the same.

Frustration, Favor, and the Finishing Work of Christ

Merry Christmas!

I’m well aware this is not the actual date of Jesus Christ’s birth—and honestly, I couldn’t care less. What matters is that He was born. He was God's Son, lived a life led by the Spirit of God, died for our sins while we were still His enemies, counted us as the joy set before Him, and was resurrected on the third day. That is what we celebrate.

Over the past year—probably longer if I’m being honest—I’ve been walking backward in my relationship with Christ. I encountered adversity I wasn’t prepared to handle, and instead of giving it to Him, I searched the world for comfort. I intentionally drove myself into confusion because I didn’t want the truth to be true. I thought if I ignored it long enough, it would go away, people would change their minds about me, and we could all be friends.

It doesn’t work that way.

That approach only keeps people and situations in your life far longer than they were ever meant to stay. And once you’ve allowed yourself to drift far enough from Him, finding your way back is harder than most people realize. For the last fifteen years, I’ve preached that you can simply turn back to Him—that He’s right there, ready to receive you, and that you can move forward from the place you wandered off.

I still believe that.
But I’ve learned there are nuances you don’t understand until you have to live them.

First, the place you think you wandered away from faith usually isn’t where you actually did.
Second, you have to allow the Lord to reveal what you never dealt with in the first place—because that’s often why you strayed.
Third, release the urge to tear yourself down. There are plenty of people willing to do that for you, and they don’t need your agreement. Self-condemnation only slows the process.
Fourth, any justification you make for staying where you are isn’t really a justification—it’s an excuse that keeps you stuck.
Fifth, God’s favor is often found most clearly in the places you least deserve it, sometimes even more than in the seasons where you were actively expressing His love and truth.
Sixth, continue to speak truth over yourself and your circumstances regardless of outcomes. This is where faith is tested.
And finally, forgive yourself and come back. You may never receive compassion from the people you want it from most—and that’s okay. Some people’s pain prevents them from seeing you differently, and you can’t change that. Let them.

I am highly favored, deeply frustrated (and probably frustrating), and walking in the finished work of Christ. I’m grateful for what I’ve learned through years of studying the Word, and now I’m realizing how necessary it is to apply it. I feel stuck—but feelings lie.

My prayer is that those of us who believe our circumstances are nothing more than the irreversible consequences of our choices would begin declaring the truth of God’s Word over our lives. It may take time—especially if the choices that led us astray didn’t happen overnight—but we will return to where He desires us to be.

The Lord cares more about His glory than we do. So if it’s truly our heart to glorify Him, we can trust Him to lead us there. I’m not promising it will be easy, attractive, or unfold the way you hoped—but it will glorify Him. And that is what matters most.

Be blessed, and be a blessing. ❤️

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

‘Actions speak louder than words’ is a well known saying, and for the most part,

true. However, I've come to realize that discernment is still necessary.

People can smile in your face, yet can vilify you behind your back. People might

help you only to feel good about themselves, while still being judgmental. This is

why it's so important to ask the Lord to search our hearts in order to reveal any

wickedness, lest we do this to others.

The Lord loves answering those prayers. It's the human condition to want to feel

good about ourselves, but it's the sin nature to judge and compare ourselves.

Here's the thing though. We are all on a sea of glass, and no one is better than

another. Yes, there are people I would rather not associate with, and wouldn't

shed a tear if they never came to know God, but that's the sin nature in me, not

God's heart. I guess that's what being "normal" is, but children of God are called

to more, to much more.

In this life, all we can hope for is that God purifies our hearts so we stand before

Him sanctified. Humans will always accuse and hurl attacks towards others, and

many times it will be towards people we care for very much. We must forgive

them for their accusations and not hold it against them, or else we participate in

sin ourselves and step out of the divine transformation of our hearts that we've

been called to.

Some of us are pretty strange birds, and that's part of the beauty of life. There's

a whole internet world of cookie cutter families posting their lives in hopes of

gaining followers who want to mimic every move. There is nothing wrong with

taking things we respect or admire, and making them part of ourselves. I just

hope we are allowing the Lord to have His input on those characteristics.

The painful lesson I'm learning this season is to embrace who I am, and to not

hold it against those that don't want to understand or embrace me. Being

someone who tries to understand everything about everyone, is challenging for

me. I want to relate with people who do not care to delve deeper into my life or to

have compassion and understand me. But, I've come to accept that's probably

how they're wired, and I'm just as confusing to them.

We all have issues. There's no way around accepting that. For example, as

much as I'm trying to not be addicted to my phone, I found a social media reel

that helped me to better understand rejection, while the Lord was working a deep

transformation in my heart.

The reel was a mama and her son. She held various items in her hand and

asked her son to pick one. He did, and she immediately asked what was wrong

with the other items, and he responded "Nothing." That's applicable to us as

well. Just because we weren't picked doesn't mean there's anything wrong with

us, we just weren't chosen.

If I go to buy myself flowers, and I leave with a stargazer lily, it doesn't mean I

also don't love the rose, or the tulips, the carnations, or even the baby's breath. It

just means the stargazer lily is what spoke to my heart that day. I want to apply

that to my everyday interactions. We like to think if someone or something isn't

chosen, that something else was actually better, when that's not always the

case. And quite possibly, rarely the case.

I am grateful that the Lord has allowed this last season of personal rejection

because it's helped me to come to terms with the truth that His love is enough.

I've always said it, but I've never walked it. And if we're going to be brutally

honest, I'm still not walking in it.

We all have a wall we use to protect ourselves from pain, despite pain being

necessary for character development. We can't protect ourselves from others,

and also grow to the stature that the Lord desires. He will protect us, He will lead

us, He will love us, and He will heal us.

We protect ourselves by immersing our hearts in Him, and then listening to His

still and quiet voice, no matter what our flesh desires or our mind says.

God is all about exposing, but He exposes for purpose and redemption. All

hidden things will become known and that's a good thing for those that want to

know Him. The less the enemy can hold over us, the less ability he has to make

us into his personal marionettes.

It's not hard to manipulate people, but it's ugly as heck to do so. Release the

need to control, and put it in God's hands, for He makes all things new in His

timing. We want clean hands and a pure heart to pursue the MORE of Him, and

this is the season He wants to pour it out.

We need not be concerned that the darkness keeps spreading, for His kingdom

and its light are doing the same. Change your focus. God's love is our priority,

we must feed upon it, for it's only in doing so that we can know who we are, and

what He's called us to.

If not, we become like worker bees, and yes we're doing what we should, but it's

almost robotic and we were called to so much more.

I'm not sure if this will even make sense to most, but it marks a very important

stage in my life, and ultimately that's what this blog is for. I had thought I was

helping others, when in reality, I was keeping a journal that would help me. We

only know what we know, and we all know it partly. The body of Christ is coming

into its fullness, and I'm grateful that I'm allowed to be a part of that, even in my

struggle to understand all things. Be blessed and be a blessing <3

Pure Chaos

The Lord said he was going to start with His house, and He was not lying.  EVERYTHING that can be shaken, will be.  I did not make it through the sifting of the wheat and tares, matter of fact, I ran away from my faith with my whole being after an event in my life, that I blamed on my handling of a situation over a decade earlier.  The hilarious part, simultaneously the heart shattering part, is to find that no matter how stupid I am, and how vehemently I question Him, He listens, and He answers.  He isn't a genie in a bottle, He's not concerned with appearances.  He also doesn't tell me everything I want to know, and He's normally in opposition to what I want. Hence, my tantrum this last year and a half as I had the audacity to believe Him to be unfaithful due to the pain and suffering of those around me, and what He allowed to sift me.  He doesn't flinch though.  He doesn't get offended when I question Him, because He's not surprised that I am.  

However, from what I can understand, He does require those that believe to respond to His leading to the very best of our ability in all areas. And that is where I fell off, or where I saw my immense limitations, your call.  This year has taught me so much I never wanted to learn, and also everything I needed to. He loves me, even when I don't act like I love Him, because He is faithful, even when I'm not.  I want to love God more than anything, but right now, I don't seem to love Him enough.  And He understands. The God who created ALL things, that can do anything, wants a relationship with flawed humans. Humans who haven't personally seen Him, but know of His mercy and love, because that was His plan for the world. I don't personally approve of that plan, and it does not matter.  Truth doesn't need anyone to believe in it for it to be true. Lord, please open our eyes and soften our hearts. We need you, even if we think we don't. Let's not put a box around that which we don't truly understand.  Let God be God. Or don't. 

Regardless, Lord God, start with me.

Love...

Why does it seem to be so hard for the body of Christ, the church, to love each other like He loves us?  It was His greatest commandment to us, and also our biggest failure to carry out.

We do so many good things in His name, yet if love is not the main marker of those, it's all for naught.  So many of us try to earn our way into the Lord's good graces even though we know better than to think it possible to do so.  Yet we still try.

We smile at those we gather with Sunday mornings, some genuine, some not so much, but we put on His love in our own way to the best of our ability.  I honestly believe we all desire to love like He does, we just suck at it.

I see why it's hard to love those who've hurt us, yet we need to.  I see why it's uncomfortable to be around those different than us, yet we need to.  I see why it's stretching for us to continue to show the love of Christ to those who don't seem to want to allow the Lord in and change their hearts, yet we need to.  What I don't understand is why it's hard for us to love those in our fellowship who've never done anything to us, yet we distance ourselves from them.  How do we rationalize any of it?

In the world we have our defenses to keep our hearts safe, or rather to try.  It normally doesn't work very well and ends up hurting us, but still we know that it's not safe so we try to protect ourselves.

In the church we are told that LOVE resides there, and that it's safe.  Many keep up their walls to protect themselves not willing to chance that the body of Christ truly is a place where His love reigns and they will be safe.  There are however some who take those words to heart and allow the essence of who they are to permeate that safe haven of love.  They look to the body of Christ to have the heart of Christ and so many times are then wounded deeply to find that the church looks just like the world in terms of their ability to love the unlovely.  How tragic is that?

Thankfully, there are also those who truly love like He does in the exact same body that those who don't belong to.  And, all of us, if we're blessed to the utmost, will encounter both.  One for refining us, and the other for showing us an example of what Christ's love in action looks like.  I am so incredibly grateful to have both in my life.

Now the answer to not being wounded in church is not in avoiding church. That on the surface takes care of the problem, but instead hurts us further.  We allow bitterness and resentment to grow where we should be allowing iron to sharpen iron.  What's necessary to grow in the spirit of Christ in such times where we are hurt is praying to have an unoffendable heart while loving the unlovely in those who've hurt you.

It's not fair to hold others to a standard of Christ's perfection in love, and not hold yourself accountable to the very same standard.  We need to have Christ's grace flow freely through us in love which covers a multitude of sins.  We need to take our eyes off the work our 'brothers and sisters' in Christ need to do, and allow the Holy Spirit of God to work in our hearts on what He's doing in us.

We need to not be okay with any area of our lives/minds/hearts that does not accurately reflect Jesus Christ's heart.  We need to throw ourselves upon His mercy asking Him to work in us that we would look like Him and thanking Him for doing exactly that.  He continues to work in us to will and to do for His good pleasure, and will finish the work He started.

Let us not hinder Him by our pride whether that pride be in self-exaltation or self-abasement.  Let us let Him love us into wholeness and work in us so that we may have the privilege of doing the exact same for His other children.  Love heals.  Thank You Father.  Thank You Jesus Christ.  Thank You Holy Spirit.

How He intertwines things...

How God intertwines things is nothing short of amazing.  How He takes such seemingly unrelated things and puts a connection between them to start pulling them together is indescribable.  I would LOVE to be able to have His eyes and see, even if for just a brief moment, how all the different connections He's made are coming together and relate.  I think I would be completely speechless at the beauty of His majesty in it, not even caring to understand it, but just to see the beautifully woven, and intricate knitting together of loose pieces of His plan that fit together just so to form a covering of love over the earth.  Hmm, I can imagine I sound about nuts now, so let me explain...

This week, I had my stepmom call me to see how I knew someone on my facebook page.  I felt immediately defensive because I didn't know them at all, I had become friends with them about a year ago, and had spoken with them briefly a few times in that time period, but didn't personally know them and was wondering why she was provoked to ask me that.  She told me to pull up their profile and look at the picture, so I did.  She then exclaimed that's ________!!!  I had to laugh.  A pastor in Pakistan that I had become facebook friends with, had my stepmom's close friend in his profile pic. She just couldn't believe that her friend who told her some Evangelist in Pakistan had taken him in and was having him speak to people there, would also coincidentally be the person who "liked" my blog post that day.  I really was just kind of awed by it, but God is awesome so not really too impressed, lol.

Fast forward to last Friday, a woman at my bible study was sharing how a man she didn't even know, but had been praying for over a year and a half, came to the church the Sunday before and she got to see the fruit of what she had been praying into that whole time.  She felt really blessed to have been witness to that.  Another cool thing, but again, God is awesome so...

Then earlier this week, a woman that I esteem very much, e-mailed me and asked me if I had ever heard of the book "A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23".  I laughed and e-mailed her back and said yes, that I was reading the book and it was surprisingly good.  I found that to be so funny because when this woman I didn't even know gave me the book and told me she just felt like I should I have it, and to do whatever I wanted with it...  I just politely took it without any real desire to read it.  Apparently I am a respecter of persons, unlike God, b/c once this 2nd woman whom I admire brought it up to me, I made the choice to get it read sooner rather than later.  That's a whole different post to elaborate on that, so I'll defer back to my main point.

Now to today, I was talking with my stepmom, and she told me her bestfriend was reading "A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23".  I, of course, laughed!  Then told her the book was much better than I thought it would be and told her about a specific section in it, to which she laughed and said that was the exact same section her BF was telling her about.  What are the chances that we would both be reading the same book that was copyrighted over 40 yrs ago and talking about the same part in it???  I love it, I absolutely love it.

All of these things are so scattered and meaningless for the most part, yet God, who always is in control, is making the connections.  He is pulling what looks to be parts of totally different puzzles together to make a grander and more magnificent picture that we could have thought possible, and it's all under the radar with no fanfare at all.  I picture the world in my mind's eye covered with thin red lines, criss-crossing all over the surface of the world, connecting even the most hostile regions to each other, where nothing can stop what's been started, and I just can't even explain how wonderful, loving, merciful, and just our God is.

I so wish this blog wasn't jibberish to the lot of you reading it, my heart's desire is to have these conversations personally with each of you, as opposed to just releasing my thoughts into the cyberspace, but I really like to talk and get things out so this will just have to do, lol.

I pray that you all are blessed with a weekend full of things that bring remembrance to how you've been blessed, even when you haven't seen in as such.  God's hand is always in our circumstances, and I so appreciate the people in my life who've helped me to see that for what it is. 

You can find His hand in most things

God's been showing me His hand in my life through the various things, situations, and circumstances that I've walked through. I wanted to share two of the most recent with you.

An example of seeing God's hand afterwards...

A couple weeks ago I went to this training on SOZO ministries, which is basically a Holy Spirit led time of encountering God personally for an individual. We had a few corporate time where we were practicing what we were learning, and this particular instance we were asking God about personal walls that have been built and whether we could break them down. God showed me this huge wall around me, with a couple holes in it, and then told me it was not safe for me to break it down. I was so angry with God, not understanding why He would have called me to this place, and then told me that I can't do what I felt was necessary to walk into the freedom He wants to give us. I was really hung up on the whole "not safe" for me to tear down the wall that I had built to protect myself. I just did not get it, and was offended with God because I felt like He was holding out on me. I, of course, asked Him to forgive me for feeling that way, because I know that's not who He is, and accepted His forgiveness and moved on being blessed immensely with the rest of the training seminar.

I can look back now and completely see how still having that wall is beneficial for me. I do believe that God desires for me to be without self defense mechanisms and be able to trust Him, but He also knows me better than I know myself, and knew that I still needed it b/c I wasn't in a place of knowing Him intimately enough to get rid of it and fully lean on Him through the painful things that are a part of life. I don't have a clue how He's going to use what I am currently needing to walk through for His glory, and it doesn't matter. I believe Him that He will. It is comforting to know that even when you can't see His hand in something at the time, sometimes you can look back and see it later. I love that part of God!

An example of seeing God's hand in it...

I had left the dentist the other day with the boys, first visit with no cavities, and they had given each of the boys this horrible squeaky toy to take with them. I had already decided to throw each squeaker away the second the boys took their eyes off of them, when I spotted a garage sale sign. I desperately needed out of that car so I turned left from the right lane, thankfully the coast was clear, and pulled up. I left the boys in the car, knowing by the squeaks that they were enjoying themselves, and browsed the very small selection of goods. It was totally a God thing that I stopped. I had the most amazing conversation about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit with the couple running the sale. They were blessed to hear my testimony of God's love and protection in my life, and were able to encourage me in some areas where I wasn't really feeling/believing the grace of God for me personally in certain areas. I got back in the car and was able to endure the 17 min trip home without even needing to throw those ridiculous squeaky toys away. I am curious though why the dentist felt it was a good idea to give out yappy dog toys to children, has He not heard of temporary insanity? I'll have to to let them know that they can most likely get better toys for cheaper from Oriental Trading on our next visit, lol.

For anyone who's interest has been peaked on what a SOZO is, here is a really brief overview http://www.bethelsozo.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=14&Itemid=28

OUCH again!

Chase (4 1/2 yrs old) the morning after his fiasco, that is a smile ;)

Chase was trying to learn how to ride a scooter and had gone about one foot and lost his balance. He started screaming and I picked him up to see blood all over his face. I pulled him close to me, spoke calmly to him to try and put him at ease, and then pulled him back away to see what happened. He had a torn his upper lip when the handle bars of the scooter caught him just right to do some damage. I get him and Trey (my 3 yr old) into the car and called my MIL who's a nurse to see where I should take him. She said that a prompt care would be able to do stitches to that's where we went.
We get to the Prompt Care, wait a lil' over an hour to be seen, and then have them tell us they don't think that they will be able to help us there.  She asks us to just hold on while she pages the Plastic Surgeon and to see if he would be able to help us out.  I start softly singing praises and praying over Chase and he's calm as can be, the Didj most likely helped with that too though, lol.  We're waiting about 25 min, and I prayed to God that if we needed to be going somewhere else that was fine, but that I wanted to know what was going on.  Less than a minute later, the RN comes in to tell me that they are still waiting for the plastic surgeon to call back and they'd let us know ASAP what was going on.  I just continued to sing over Chase while we waiting and about 20 min later she comes back in to say that they got ahold of the plastic surgeon's RN and he's in surgery and will be for a while, which is why he never called back.  They wished us luck and sent on downtown to the ER.

Chase fell asleep as soon as we got in the car.  I was regretting my choice of 4 1/2 in stiletto heels as I carried my snoozing 40 + lb boy into the ER.  They get us checked in and told us to wait.  The wonderful grace of God allowed Chase to sleep the entire hour and a half we waited.  As I walked back to his room, Chase woke up and was inconsolable.  He was tired, hurting, and scared.  We get into the room and had a wonderful Dr and RN's and child help specialist that tried to comfort Chase and calm him down.

The Dr told us that they would use ketamine (sp) to sedate him, that he would still be awake, but that he wouldn't feel the pain, nor would he even be aware of what was going on.  I've heard before that when people are given things that put them out there is an unfortunate possibility to the demonic spiritual realm gaining access b/c of the unnatural state of consciousness at that time.  I figured regardless whether that was true, I was going to be covering my baby in prayers.  I prayed for God to send warrior angels to encamp around Chase as he went out, and fight off anything demonic that would try to come, and also prayed that God would send more angels to sing over Chase, and that whatever part of his brain was active at that time would be seeing Jesus and his beauty and anything wonderful that God would want to entertain him with.

The RN came in and told us that as Chase woke up from the ketamine that there was a good chance he would be aggressive and agitated, to not be surprised if he yelled out for no apparent reason for the next day, and to expect horrible nightmares.  I thanked her for the information, but told her that I was NOT receiving any of that for Chase and that I believed that he would be just fine, although I would not be surprised if those symptoms did manifest.  She also said that his lip would hurt much worse the next day and to keep ice on it.  She pulled up video on youtube and told us that this is a bit of what we could expect with Chase

This is the video the nurse had me watch on the effects of ketamine (sp).


The Dr came in and they proceeded to try and get the IV's in. Chase struggled against them and pulled out 2 of the IV's, and they finally got a 3rd into his hand. I felt horrible b/c I never even thought to pray over that part of this fiasco. They got the ketamine into his system he went under. His eyes stayed open and he had a few tears fall down his face as they were stitching him up. I continued to pray over him in the spirit and once they were done, held his hand and started singing songs to him that I was just making up as I went.

He started coming to and was so peaceful and quiet. The RN was amazed and asked what church we went to, LOL. We left and headed home after filling a prescription that the pharmacist told us would taste horrible even with the flavoring we added.

I am thankful to report that not only did Chase not scream out throughout the rest of the evening, but he also slept soundly through the night. The next morning when he woke up, his lip looked so bad, and when I asked him how it felt, he said fine! I about fell to my knees in thankfulness and praise b/c I never even asked God to take away the pain of it. It never occurred to me that was even a possibility, but yet God did that for Chase anyways.

I'm grateful to say that our biggest battle in this whole mess is getting chase to take his almost 2 tsp of this nasty medicine 3 times a day. Praise God!