A heart's cry met

Let me back up just bit before I get to the reason I feel God answered the cry of my heart.  Since this missed miscarriage I've had surprisingly little grief overcome me with body racking sobs.  Matter of factly, it only occurred twice, the same day I found out, and lasted only a couple seconds each time as I drove home from the Dr's office.  I've been attributing this to God's amazing grace in my life to handle it, but have been having a nagging thought that it's my defense mechanisms at work rather than God pouring out so much grace to me.

The Wednesday before my D&C (that Friday) I went to church and had some prayer ministry.  As I was walking up for prayer, I felt totally fine and at peace.  I started speaking to the women and was telling them about my D&C that coming Friday and tears started running down my face.  I was completely taken aback at the tears and wondering where in the heck they were coming from, but just assumed that God was doing something and I was totally okay with it.  As I was driving home, I started thinking more that although I am sure that God's giving me grace to handle this hurt, I was pretty sure that I must be locking some of this pain up, but just wasn't sure how to access it or where I was hiding it.  One of the main reasons I've come to this conclusion is b/c my headaches have started back in. 

About 3 yrs ago I went to the Dr because of these horrible piercing headaches I was having.  The end result was that they were tension headaches and I needed to relax.  Hahaha, right?  I had 3 boys, aged 4 and under, and I was supposed to relax?  Well, God has done an amazing thing in my life by affording me peace in the chaos that surrounds me.  My headaches had completely left me until about a month ago.  I'm still calm, at least for me, and couldn't figure out what could possibly be causing them until someone brought up that maybe it was the stress from the loss of Elijah.  I tossed the idea around in my head a bit, not really too sure of it because of the fact that I wasn't feeling stressed about it, but didn't shut the idea down.

Fast forward one week to last night, I was at the Wednesday prayer service and kept feeling like God was wanting me to go over to this woman and ask her to pray for and impart something to me.  I kept listening and asking God what she was supposed to impart, but heard nothing.  So finally after about 5-10 min, I went over to her and asked her to pray for me.  We prayed together and asked for the Spirit of God to come illuminate what He was wanting us to pray for, but again heard nothing.  She said well let me just tell you about my testimony today and we'll go from there.  After listening to her and just talking about different things associate with it, I told her how I lost my lil' one and was thinking that maybe these headaches I was having was due to me having the emotions related to it, locked away some where in the recesses of my mind.

Right after I finished telling her about that, David (a man who's shown himself to hear from God reliably and be very trustworthy to the calling on his life) came up to the front of the church and said that He felt God was placing it on his heart that He was wanting to heal the hearts of those who've undergone some kind of pain and to raise their hands.  I didn't raise my hand b/c for whatever reason, I didn't think I needed my heart healed so I just continued my conversation with this woman.  About 5 min. later David came back up and said that he strongly felt the Lord direct him into what the church body there was to be praying for, and that was pregnancies.  He said that the Lord wants to heal wombs that have lost babies, and have us pray for protection over the wombs that will carry life, and then told us what to pray.  He asked for those to raise their hands that were trying or would be trying to have a baby, that time I raised my hand.

I'm still figuring out where I stand with the loss of Elijah, but am so grateful that God persistently went after the pain in my heart.  Especially since I was so slow to realize that it was still a wound, and wasn't jumping at the opportunity for healing prayer the first time.  I love how God shows Himself to me, and can only pray that He does so in greater and greater measure until I'm in His presence so thick that I feel consumed by His love for me.  My heart's cry was met last night, and I have no doubt at all that He will continue to meet me where I need, even when I'm not aware that I need it.

Oh, and later on God finally answered what I was getting imparted to me as I had asked that woman to pray for me.  He said "Truth.".  I walked by her and let her know that He had answered, what He said, and that she had done that.  She laughed and said "Oh good!  I was wondering whether I had done what He intended."  Our journey's with God/Jesus/Holy Spirit are so unique, personal, and filled with valley's and mountain's, but one thing is for certain... we are all being called to the same place and that is to be in Him in all things.

When belief and reality collide...

I'm left wondering whether I prayed the right prayers, if God was listening, if I'm out of God's will, whether I should continue to believe for what I've been praying, or whether instead I should accept what reality says and adjust my prayers.

I had my ultrasound today at the hospital and found out that I am still carring a baby that died three months ago.  All of this spotting for the last 2 months has been fruitless, as have the prayers for an efficient miscarriage.  I remember my first reaction when the Dr asked me how I wanted to handle the loss and I immediately said 'Let my body pass the baby through naturally.'  I was terrified at the possibility of a D&C, the machines that I view as an instrument used to take the lives of precious children before they are legally given any rights, being used to suck the body of a child I barely knew out of me.  I can't help but think that because I was in fear at the prospect of getting a D&C, that God is bringing me to that place to face my fear.   I don't know if that is something God would do or not.  I actually remember thinking that 3 days after finding out that my Elijah had died, but convinced myself that was NOT something that I had to fear.

I am a wealth of mixed emotions right now.  Frustration that I had to demand the ultrasound because my Dr had no concerns with my falling hcg levels.  Anger that now that he knows the baby is still there, he wants to do a D&C (obviously worried now, huh?).  Sadness that I am still carrying a baby in my womb that I can't have.  Disgust with my body that I have to have this child physically removed from it b/c it still continues to fail me.  Brokenness over it all.  Thankfulness that I have 3 healthy, loving, energetic, loud, beautiful, God loving children and a husband to stand with me as I face everything that I will encounter in life.  Peace because as the  thoughts try to flood in and pull me in to a place of heartache and chaotic and battling ideas, I can give it to God and declare His word over it, and then His peace comes.  At least until the next wave comes, and then I have to do it all over again, lol.  Such is life.

I go in tomorrow to schedule my D&C, and barring any unforeseen complications, I will be done with this.  I'm not fearful either, not excited by any means, but not fearful either.  My Father is there and He loves me.  Who/what can be against me if God is for me?  God can do anything, and when He doesn't, there is something that can be used for growth and maturity in it.