YES!!!! In fact, it's God's intention that we hear directly from Him. It's because He loves us with such a zealous love, He wants us to depend on Him and not ourselves. He created us to be one with Him through His Son. Our current misunderstanding of trying to live a "good life" while He's up there somewhere in Heaven watching, tallying our deeds, blowing off our failures, and waiting to fulfill His purpose in creating us until we die and get up there, could NOT be more wrong. We are to bring Heaven to Earth now; forgive so He forgives us, treat others as better than ourselves. He desires to be personally involved in every aspect of our lives, and the more time we spend with Him, the more we recognize Him. Or as I like to say, our eyes are opened where we were once blind.
Now that's not to say that I hear from Him on everything, b/c I don't. Actually, there are many things in my life where I don't, but yet I can hear for other people and what He wants to tell them. I think part of that is spiritual maturity (I've got a ways to go to be what He told us to be made into in His word) and the other part is that the Lord wants us to rely on His body (the followers of Jesus Christ aka the church) and not get into spiritual pride thinking we don't need anyone but Him. Let me give two examples of someone hearing from the Lord (aka prophecy)... and then one where I did.
Last week I was blessed beyond words by a man Steve and I do not know very well coming up to us and speaking some words that God had placed on his heart for us. He addressed three areas of which he had zero knowledge, but Steve and I knew exactly what he was talking about. I was so excited that the Lord, in His love, did such a wonderful thing for us. I'd love to go into more detail, but since it involves someone besides me, I'll wait for the go ahead ;)
Then tonight at church, I had my heart touched in a way that surprised even me with the Lord's heart for me. I was at the front of the church (my normal place, lol) and was just praising the Lord while the Worship Team was singing. After a while, the Pastor asked anyone who wanted prayer to come up, and for the prayer ministry team to come and pray for whoever they feel led to (there are flexible guidelines in place as far as praying for others goes). One of the women on the worship team came over, gently placing her hand on me, and started softly singing 'Lord she just wants to know You' Then she heard directly from Him, allowing her voice to give utterance to His heart, she continued singing 'I want her to know Me...', which led to her singing over really private and intimate cries of my heart, allowing me to hear that my Daddy sees those places, and His desire is for me to know Him in all of those ways also. I can't explain to you how it felt to have her verbally say what He sees in my house, where I'm literally standing as I'm talking to Him, what I'm asking in those rooms of my house, the secret 'acceptable' sin of my heart, the insecurity that hides stealthily deep in my soul, and then His promise that I will see what I desire to have. I wish that I had the writing skills that I see in my friends blogs b/c I know that I'm not even coming close to doing this beautiful gift the Lord has given us justice. It has changed my life.
Last Wednesday at church, they had the prophecy team come up to the front of the church and just ask the Lord if there was anything He wanted to say to anyone. I got a few bible verses and a few things impressed on my heart to share with a woman I didn't know, and I was VERY hesitant to do it. I finally decided that God was bigger than me, and if I screwed it up, He can fix it. I spoke forth what I felt has been given to me to say and there was no reaction that I could see from this woman, but that was okay b/c I knew that I was just trying to listen to the Lord, and regardless everything would be alright. Then on Sat, I got confirmation that I nailed it, and the girl was completely blown away by what I had said. Even better though, tonight as I was leaving, she just happened to be there for her 2nd time at our church, and came up to me to tell me how the bible verses I gave her addressed the 3 things on her heart, and how the words I spoke to her encouraged her so much b/c she was really struggling in those areas.
I was already in such a place of awe b/c of how the Lord had spoken to me through someone, and now I got to be even more awed that He would be so specific through me to address the concerns of her heart. I am a mess. I have so many flaws. I trust, lean on, and believe in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (note that the Lord is not just Savior, but also Lord), and He works through me in spite of my problems, b/c that's who He is. God is love, and He'll work through anyone who will yield themselves to Him.
I can honestly say that I can't believe that I believe what I do, but there isn't a possibility that anyone could convince me otherwise now. How does one turn back and deny the Holy Spirit once they've tasted and seen how good God is? How can people expect me to not shout it from the rooftops when it's literally changed my life and who I am for the better? His gifts are free, we might as well utilize them.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Friday, August 19, 2011
How He intertwines things...
How God intertwines things is nothing short of amazing. How He takes such seemingly unrelated things and puts a connection between them to start pulling them together is indescribable. I would LOVE to be able to have His eyes and see, even if for just a brief moment, how all the different connections He's made are coming together and relate. I think I would be completely speechless at the beauty of His majesty in it, not even caring to understand it, but just to see the beautifully woven, and intricate knitting together of loose pieces of His plan that fit together just so to form a covering of love over the earth. Hmm, I can imagine I sound about nuts now, so let me explain...
This week, I had my stepmom call me to see how I knew someone on my facebook page. I felt immediately defensive because I didn't know them at all, I had become friends with them about a year ago, and had spoken with them briefly a few times in that time period, but didn't personally know them and was wondering why she was provoked to ask me that. She told me to pull up their profile and look at the picture, so I did. She then exclaimed that's ________!!! I had to laugh. A pastor in Pakistan that I had become facebook friends with, had my stepmom's close friend in his profile pic. She just couldn't believe that her friend who told her some Evangelist in Pakistan had taken him in and was having him speak to people there, would also coincidentally be the person who "liked" my blog post that day. I really was just kind of awed by it, but God is awesome so not really too impressed, lol.
Fast forward to last Friday, a woman at my bible study was sharing how a man she didn't even know, but had been praying for over a year and a half, came to the church the Sunday before and she got to see the fruit of what she had been praying into that whole time. She felt really blessed to have been witness to that. Another cool thing, but again, God is awesome so...
Then earlier this week, a woman that I esteem very much, e-mailed me and asked me if I had ever heard of the book "A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23". I laughed and e-mailed her back and said yes, that I was reading the book and it was surprisingly good. I found that to be so funny because when this woman I didn't even know gave me the book and told me she just felt like I should I have it, and to do whatever I wanted with it... I just politely took it without any real desire to read it. Apparently I am a respecter of persons, unlike God, b/c once this 2nd woman whom I admire brought it up to me, I made the choice to get it read sooner rather than later. That's a whole different post to elaborate on that, so I'll defer back to my main point.
Now to today, I was talking with my stepmom, and she told me her bestfriend was reading "A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23". I, of course, laughed! Then told her the book was much better than I thought it would be and told her about a specific section in it, to which she laughed and said that was the exact same section her BF was telling her about. What are the chances that we would both be reading the same book that was copyrighted over 40 yrs ago and talking about the same part in it??? I love it, I absolutely love it.
All of these things are so scattered and meaningless for the most part, yet God, who always is in control, is making the connections. He is pulling what looks to be parts of totally different puzzles together to make a grander and more magnificent picture that we could have thought possible, and it's all under the radar with no fanfare at all. I picture the world in my mind's eye covered with thin red lines, criss-crossing all over the surface of the world, connecting even the most hostile regions to each other, where nothing can stop what's been started, and I just can't even explain how wonderful, loving, merciful, and just our God is.
I so wish this blog wasn't jibberish to the lot of you reading it, my heart's desire is to have these conversations personally with each of you, as opposed to just releasing my thoughts into the cyberspace, but I really like to talk and get things out so this will just have to do, lol.
I pray that you all are blessed with a weekend full of things that bring remembrance to how you've been blessed, even when you haven't seen in as such. God's hand is always in our circumstances, and I so appreciate the people in my life who've helped me to see that for what it is.
This week, I had my stepmom call me to see how I knew someone on my facebook page. I felt immediately defensive because I didn't know them at all, I had become friends with them about a year ago, and had spoken with them briefly a few times in that time period, but didn't personally know them and was wondering why she was provoked to ask me that. She told me to pull up their profile and look at the picture, so I did. She then exclaimed that's ________!!! I had to laugh. A pastor in Pakistan that I had become facebook friends with, had my stepmom's close friend in his profile pic. She just couldn't believe that her friend who told her some Evangelist in Pakistan had taken him in and was having him speak to people there, would also coincidentally be the person who "liked" my blog post that day. I really was just kind of awed by it, but God is awesome so not really too impressed, lol.
Fast forward to last Friday, a woman at my bible study was sharing how a man she didn't even know, but had been praying for over a year and a half, came to the church the Sunday before and she got to see the fruit of what she had been praying into that whole time. She felt really blessed to have been witness to that. Another cool thing, but again, God is awesome so...
Then earlier this week, a woman that I esteem very much, e-mailed me and asked me if I had ever heard of the book "A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23". I laughed and e-mailed her back and said yes, that I was reading the book and it was surprisingly good. I found that to be so funny because when this woman I didn't even know gave me the book and told me she just felt like I should I have it, and to do whatever I wanted with it... I just politely took it without any real desire to read it. Apparently I am a respecter of persons, unlike God, b/c once this 2nd woman whom I admire brought it up to me, I made the choice to get it read sooner rather than later. That's a whole different post to elaborate on that, so I'll defer back to my main point.
Now to today, I was talking with my stepmom, and she told me her bestfriend was reading "A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23". I, of course, laughed! Then told her the book was much better than I thought it would be and told her about a specific section in it, to which she laughed and said that was the exact same section her BF was telling her about. What are the chances that we would both be reading the same book that was copyrighted over 40 yrs ago and talking about the same part in it??? I love it, I absolutely love it.
All of these things are so scattered and meaningless for the most part, yet God, who always is in control, is making the connections. He is pulling what looks to be parts of totally different puzzles together to make a grander and more magnificent picture that we could have thought possible, and it's all under the radar with no fanfare at all. I picture the world in my mind's eye covered with thin red lines, criss-crossing all over the surface of the world, connecting even the most hostile regions to each other, where nothing can stop what's been started, and I just can't even explain how wonderful, loving, merciful, and just our God is.
I so wish this blog wasn't jibberish to the lot of you reading it, my heart's desire is to have these conversations personally with each of you, as opposed to just releasing my thoughts into the cyberspace, but I really like to talk and get things out so this will just have to do, lol.
I pray that you all are blessed with a weekend full of things that bring remembrance to how you've been blessed, even when you haven't seen in as such. God's hand is always in our circumstances, and I so appreciate the people in my life who've helped me to see that for what it is.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
A heart's cry met
Let me back up just bit before I get to the reason I feel God answered the cry of my heart. Since this missed miscarriage I've had surprisingly little grief overcome me with body racking sobs. Matter of factly, it only occurred twice, the same day I found out, and lasted only a couple seconds each time as I drove home from the Dr's office. I've been attributing this to God's amazing grace in my life to handle it, but have been having a nagging thought that it's my defense mechanisms at work rather than God pouring out so much grace to me.
The Wednesday before my D&C (that Friday) I went to church and had some prayer ministry. As I was walking up for prayer, I felt totally fine and at peace. I started speaking to the women and was telling them about my D&C that coming Friday and tears started running down my face. I was completely taken aback at the tears and wondering where in the heck they were coming from, but just assumed that God was doing something and I was totally okay with it. As I was driving home, I started thinking more that although I am sure that God's giving me grace to handle this hurt, I was pretty sure that I must be locking some of this pain up, but just wasn't sure how to access it or where I was hiding it. One of the main reasons I've come to this conclusion is b/c my headaches have started back in.
About 3 yrs ago I went to the Dr because of these horrible piercing headaches I was having. The end result was that they were tension headaches and I needed to relax. Hahaha, right? I had 3 boys, aged 4 and under, and I was supposed to relax? Well, God has done an amazing thing in my life by affording me peace in the chaos that surrounds me. My headaches had completely left me until about a month ago. I'm still calm, at least for me, and couldn't figure out what could possibly be causing them until someone brought up that maybe it was the stress from the loss of Elijah. I tossed the idea around in my head a bit, not really too sure of it because of the fact that I wasn't feeling stressed about it, but didn't shut the idea down.
Fast forward one week to last night, I was at the Wednesday prayer service and kept feeling like God was wanting me to go over to this woman and ask her to pray for and impart something to me. I kept listening and asking God what she was supposed to impart, but heard nothing. So finally after about 5-10 min, I went over to her and asked her to pray for me. We prayed together and asked for the Spirit of God to come illuminate what He was wanting us to pray for, but again heard nothing. She said well let me just tell you about my testimony today and we'll go from there. After listening to her and just talking about different things associate with it, I told her how I lost my lil' one and was thinking that maybe these headaches I was having was due to me having the emotions related to it, locked away some where in the recesses of my mind.
Right after I finished telling her about that, David (a man who's shown himself to hear from God reliably and be very trustworthy to the calling on his life) came up to the front of the church and said that He felt God was placing it on his heart that He was wanting to heal the hearts of those who've undergone some kind of pain and to raise their hands. I didn't raise my hand b/c for whatever reason, I didn't think I needed my heart healed so I just continued my conversation with this woman. About 5 min. later David came back up and said that he strongly felt the Lord direct him into what the church body there was to be praying for, and that was pregnancies. He said that the Lord wants to heal wombs that have lost babies, and have us pray for protection over the wombs that will carry life, and then told us what to pray. He asked for those to raise their hands that were trying or would be trying to have a baby, that time I raised my hand.
I'm still figuring out where I stand with the loss of Elijah, but am so grateful that God persistently went after the pain in my heart. Especially since I was so slow to realize that it was still a wound, and wasn't jumping at the opportunity for healing prayer the first time. I love how God shows Himself to me, and can only pray that He does so in greater and greater measure until I'm in His presence so thick that I feel consumed by His love for me. My heart's cry was met last night, and I have no doubt at all that He will continue to meet me where I need, even when I'm not aware that I need it.
Oh, and later on God finally answered what I was getting imparted to me as I had asked that woman to pray for me. He said "Truth.". I walked by her and let her know that He had answered, what He said, and that she had done that. She laughed and said "Oh good! I was wondering whether I had done what He intended." Our journey's with God/Jesus/Holy Spirit are so unique, personal, and filled with valley's and mountain's, but one thing is for certain... we are all being called to the same place and that is to be in Him in all things.
The Wednesday before my D&C (that Friday) I went to church and had some prayer ministry. As I was walking up for prayer, I felt totally fine and at peace. I started speaking to the women and was telling them about my D&C that coming Friday and tears started running down my face. I was completely taken aback at the tears and wondering where in the heck they were coming from, but just assumed that God was doing something and I was totally okay with it. As I was driving home, I started thinking more that although I am sure that God's giving me grace to handle this hurt, I was pretty sure that I must be locking some of this pain up, but just wasn't sure how to access it or where I was hiding it. One of the main reasons I've come to this conclusion is b/c my headaches have started back in.
About 3 yrs ago I went to the Dr because of these horrible piercing headaches I was having. The end result was that they were tension headaches and I needed to relax. Hahaha, right? I had 3 boys, aged 4 and under, and I was supposed to relax? Well, God has done an amazing thing in my life by affording me peace in the chaos that surrounds me. My headaches had completely left me until about a month ago. I'm still calm, at least for me, and couldn't figure out what could possibly be causing them until someone brought up that maybe it was the stress from the loss of Elijah. I tossed the idea around in my head a bit, not really too sure of it because of the fact that I wasn't feeling stressed about it, but didn't shut the idea down.
Fast forward one week to last night, I was at the Wednesday prayer service and kept feeling like God was wanting me to go over to this woman and ask her to pray for and impart something to me. I kept listening and asking God what she was supposed to impart, but heard nothing. So finally after about 5-10 min, I went over to her and asked her to pray for me. We prayed together and asked for the Spirit of God to come illuminate what He was wanting us to pray for, but again heard nothing. She said well let me just tell you about my testimony today and we'll go from there. After listening to her and just talking about different things associate with it, I told her how I lost my lil' one and was thinking that maybe these headaches I was having was due to me having the emotions related to it, locked away some where in the recesses of my mind.
Right after I finished telling her about that, David (a man who's shown himself to hear from God reliably and be very trustworthy to the calling on his life) came up to the front of the church and said that He felt God was placing it on his heart that He was wanting to heal the hearts of those who've undergone some kind of pain and to raise their hands. I didn't raise my hand b/c for whatever reason, I didn't think I needed my heart healed so I just continued my conversation with this woman. About 5 min. later David came back up and said that he strongly felt the Lord direct him into what the church body there was to be praying for, and that was pregnancies. He said that the Lord wants to heal wombs that have lost babies, and have us pray for protection over the wombs that will carry life, and then told us what to pray. He asked for those to raise their hands that were trying or would be trying to have a baby, that time I raised my hand.
I'm still figuring out where I stand with the loss of Elijah, but am so grateful that God persistently went after the pain in my heart. Especially since I was so slow to realize that it was still a wound, and wasn't jumping at the opportunity for healing prayer the first time. I love how God shows Himself to me, and can only pray that He does so in greater and greater measure until I'm in His presence so thick that I feel consumed by His love for me. My heart's cry was met last night, and I have no doubt at all that He will continue to meet me where I need, even when I'm not aware that I need it.
Oh, and later on God finally answered what I was getting imparted to me as I had asked that woman to pray for me. He said "Truth.". I walked by her and let her know that He had answered, what He said, and that she had done that. She laughed and said "Oh good! I was wondering whether I had done what He intended." Our journey's with God/Jesus/Holy Spirit are so unique, personal, and filled with valley's and mountain's, but one thing is for certain... we are all being called to the same place and that is to be in Him in all things.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
It is finished, at least the physical part of it!
It's Saturday morning and I'm feeling alright.
My coffee is in my hand and sips of it
bring remembrance of yesterday's plight.
My womb is now empty, and it's okay,
because my heart is filled with the promise of a new day.
lol. My lame attempt at poetry. I'm all about trying new things b/c even in failing at them, I still have another experience to add to my life. I tried to add another stanza, but it's not working for me ;)
As Thursday night was upon me, I found myself at a strange peace with the D&C that was awaiting me Friday morning. I still struggled with WHY my body was not doing what God had created to, but also had reached a point of submission with it and just expected God to use this situation to benefit His kingdom somehow and someway. My husband worked late trying to get as much done as he could and when he finally got home it was 10pm. I warmed up leftovers for him and brought him the computer to get on and read the news and whatnot. After he finished dinner, he grabbed his plate with one hand and the laptop with the other and walked towards the kitchen sink. I heard a CRASH and turned to see my computer laying on the floor with my husband just looking at it with complete disbelief that he just dropped it.
I held my breath as he picked it up and turned it on. Nothing. He tried again, and again, and again... Nothing. He started turning the computer over, thinking of taking pieces of it off trying to figure it out the problem. I encouraged him multiple times to leave it be and just go hop in the shower. Thanks be to God he finally listened. My hubby is NOT a computer guy and I am pretty sure that had he tried to fix it, we'd be even more screwed, lol. I wasn't upset at all, it was an accident and accidents happen, but I was a little morose that I just lost my ability to maintain contact with the rest of the world.
The next morning I get up at 5am and hop in the shower. I go to use the soap they told me to use to prep for the surgery and it very bluntly states "Do Not Use On *gentle parts*", so I respect the label and choose not to use! I can't help but wonder though why in the world they would tell me to use something that would obviously have a negative/harmful reaction if used. One more way God is testing my ability to have grace?
I get to the hospital at 7am for my prep for my 9am D&C. Everything was done and I was ready to go at 7:50am. My IV hurt like heck in my hand, although I was really trying to just ignore it. At 8:10 am the nurse comes in to let me know that my Dr had a patient go in to labor at another hospital and would be late, but would be there as soon as he could. I just looked to heavens, took a deep breath, and started praying for a quick, perfect, and wonderful delivery for that mother and child. At 10:30 am, they got me in. I was put under, which I am so so so so so so so thankful for. That drug burned like all heck in my IV that already was painful, but well worth it, in my opinion.
I woke up in recovery. I have been very blessed to have a relatively painless recovery with minimal cramping.
I spent all day Saturday at church and was so blessed by the prophetic gift that God gives His children. The teaching, oh my goodness the teaching, was phenomenal. Lord God help me to come into my calling and consecrate myself to You as Your revelation to me of Your intense love becomes more of a reality.
Today is Mother's Day. It's a bit ironic that I had my 4th child's remains taken from my womb the same weekend that I celebrate being a mom, but I was a mom for a very brief time period to baby Elijah and I will never forget that. Happy Mother's Day to all you mom's currently and those desiring to be =)
Here is a picture that my 6 1/2 yr old, almost 5 yr old, and 3 yr old drew to celebrate me...
My coffee is in my hand and sips of it
bring remembrance of yesterday's plight.
My womb is now empty, and it's okay,
because my heart is filled with the promise of a new day.
lol. My lame attempt at poetry. I'm all about trying new things b/c even in failing at them, I still have another experience to add to my life. I tried to add another stanza, but it's not working for me ;)
As Thursday night was upon me, I found myself at a strange peace with the D&C that was awaiting me Friday morning. I still struggled with WHY my body was not doing what God had created to, but also had reached a point of submission with it and just expected God to use this situation to benefit His kingdom somehow and someway. My husband worked late trying to get as much done as he could and when he finally got home it was 10pm. I warmed up leftovers for him and brought him the computer to get on and read the news and whatnot. After he finished dinner, he grabbed his plate with one hand and the laptop with the other and walked towards the kitchen sink. I heard a CRASH and turned to see my computer laying on the floor with my husband just looking at it with complete disbelief that he just dropped it.
I held my breath as he picked it up and turned it on. Nothing. He tried again, and again, and again... Nothing. He started turning the computer over, thinking of taking pieces of it off trying to figure it out the problem. I encouraged him multiple times to leave it be and just go hop in the shower. Thanks be to God he finally listened. My hubby is NOT a computer guy and I am pretty sure that had he tried to fix it, we'd be even more screwed, lol. I wasn't upset at all, it was an accident and accidents happen, but I was a little morose that I just lost my ability to maintain contact with the rest of the world.
The next morning I get up at 5am and hop in the shower. I go to use the soap they told me to use to prep for the surgery and it very bluntly states "Do Not Use On *gentle parts*", so I respect the label and choose not to use! I can't help but wonder though why in the world they would tell me to use something that would obviously have a negative/harmful reaction if used. One more way God is testing my ability to have grace?
I get to the hospital at 7am for my prep for my 9am D&C. Everything was done and I was ready to go at 7:50am. My IV hurt like heck in my hand, although I was really trying to just ignore it. At 8:10 am the nurse comes in to let me know that my Dr had a patient go in to labor at another hospital and would be late, but would be there as soon as he could. I just looked to heavens, took a deep breath, and started praying for a quick, perfect, and wonderful delivery for that mother and child. At 10:30 am, they got me in. I was put under, which I am so so so so so so so thankful for. That drug burned like all heck in my IV that already was painful, but well worth it, in my opinion.
I woke up in recovery. I have been very blessed to have a relatively painless recovery with minimal cramping.
I spent all day Saturday at church and was so blessed by the prophetic gift that God gives His children. The teaching, oh my goodness the teaching, was phenomenal. Lord God help me to come into my calling and consecrate myself to You as Your revelation to me of Your intense love becomes more of a reality.
Today is Mother's Day. It's a bit ironic that I had my 4th child's remains taken from my womb the same weekend that I celebrate being a mom, but I was a mom for a very brief time period to baby Elijah and I will never forget that. Happy Mother's Day to all you mom's currently and those desiring to be =)
Here is a picture that my 6 1/2 yr old, almost 5 yr old, and 3 yr old drew to celebrate me...
Monday, May 2, 2011
When belief and reality collide...
I'm left wondering whether I prayed the right prayers, if God was listening, if I'm out of God's will, whether I should continue to believe for what I've been praying, or whether instead I should accept what reality says and adjust my prayers.
I had my ultrasound today at the hospital and found out that I am still carring a baby that died three months ago. All of this spotting for the last 2 months has been fruitless, as have the prayers for an efficient miscarriage. I remember my first reaction when the Dr asked me how I wanted to handle the loss and I immediately said 'Let my body pass the baby through naturally.' I was terrified at the possibility of a D&C, the machines that I view as an instrument used to take the lives of precious children before they are legally given any rights, being used to suck the body of a child I barely knew out of me. I can't help but think that because I was in fear at the prospect of getting a D&C, that God is bringing me to that place to face my fear. I don't know if that is something God would do or not. I actually remember thinking that 3 days after finding out that my Elijah had died, but convinced myself that was NOT something that I had to fear.
I am a wealth of mixed emotions right now. Frustration that I had to demand the ultrasound because my Dr had no concerns with my falling hcg levels. Anger that now that he knows the baby is still there, he wants to do a D&C (obviously worried now, huh?). Sadness that I am still carrying a baby in my womb that I can't have. Disgust with my body that I have to have this child physically removed from it b/c it still continues to fail me. Brokenness over it all. Thankfulness that I have 3 healthy, loving, energetic, loud, beautiful, God loving children and a husband to stand with me as I face everything that I will encounter in life. Peace because as the thoughts try to flood in and pull me in to a place of heartache and chaotic and battling ideas, I can give it to God and declare His word over it, and then His peace comes. At least until the next wave comes, and then I have to do it all over again, lol. Such is life.
I go in tomorrow to schedule my D&C, and barring any unforeseen complications, I will be done with this. I'm not fearful either, not excited by any means, but not fearful either. My Father is there and He loves me. Who/what can be against me if God is for me? God can do anything, and when He doesn't, there is something that can be used for growth and maturity in it.
I had my ultrasound today at the hospital and found out that I am still carring a baby that died three months ago. All of this spotting for the last 2 months has been fruitless, as have the prayers for an efficient miscarriage. I remember my first reaction when the Dr asked me how I wanted to handle the loss and I immediately said 'Let my body pass the baby through naturally.' I was terrified at the possibility of a D&C, the machines that I view as an instrument used to take the lives of precious children before they are legally given any rights, being used to suck the body of a child I barely knew out of me. I can't help but think that because I was in fear at the prospect of getting a D&C, that God is bringing me to that place to face my fear. I don't know if that is something God would do or not. I actually remember thinking that 3 days after finding out that my Elijah had died, but convinced myself that was NOT something that I had to fear.
I am a wealth of mixed emotions right now. Frustration that I had to demand the ultrasound because my Dr had no concerns with my falling hcg levels. Anger that now that he knows the baby is still there, he wants to do a D&C (obviously worried now, huh?). Sadness that I am still carrying a baby in my womb that I can't have. Disgust with my body that I have to have this child physically removed from it b/c it still continues to fail me. Brokenness over it all. Thankfulness that I have 3 healthy, loving, energetic, loud, beautiful, God loving children and a husband to stand with me as I face everything that I will encounter in life. Peace because as the thoughts try to flood in and pull me in to a place of heartache and chaotic and battling ideas, I can give it to God and declare His word over it, and then His peace comes. At least until the next wave comes, and then I have to do it all over again, lol. Such is life.
I go in tomorrow to schedule my D&C, and barring any unforeseen complications, I will be done with this. I'm not fearful either, not excited by any means, but not fearful either. My Father is there and He loves me. Who/what can be against me if God is for me? God can do anything, and when He doesn't, there is something that can be used for growth and maturity in it.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
And so it continues...
I've not had much to say which is very surprising for me. I still haven't passed the baby through from my missed miscarriage. Two weeks after I found out that the baby had died, I finally started showing signs of the miscarriage coming. It's now been a month and a half, and all I still have is the same exact 'sign' that started March 11th. I've been going in every 2 wks and getting my hcg levels checked, the levels are falling as they should be according to my Dr. This last time I called to get my blood results, I had the nurse ask the Dr. how much longer I could expect this to continue. She called me back to say that I'm the longest it's ever gone so he has no idea, but to not worry since my hcg levels are falling.
I'm currently struggling with feeling offended at my Dr's office, worried about my body and what the heck is wrong, very seriously contemplating getting my tubes tied, and then the normal everyday things that occupy our minds at any given time. I feel so childish and selfish to be irritated with my Dr, but I feel like he should have taken the 75 sec it would have taken to give me that answer about how much longer it should be instead of allowing the woman on the phone to give it to me. I've always thought that he was such a caring Dr, always asking about my husband, and making small talk, but yet since I've lost this baby, I've had no contact at all with him. The part about me being the longest patient he's ever had to go through this, is more than enough reason in my opinion to have personally spoken with me. Why isn't he more curious why my body is handling the miscarriage like it is? Ugh, I feel even more like a big baby typing it out. I guess you just have to be in my mind to truly understand. It's not like I'm so important he should make time to talk to me, but more like I'm a medical exception so he'd want to find out what's going on.
Then I've got the whole getting my tubes tied thing. I desperately WANT another baby, but that's not enough reason to have one. I'm 34, my hubby is almost 37, and we have 3 healthy and perfect sons. There are so many reasons NOT to have another baby, and I feel selfish even considering another one. I just need God's peace in this.
This week my oldest moved out of his bunk bed and into the "nursery". My 'baby' moved out of the nursery into the bunk bed. It's been such a blessing to watch these boys grow up. I'm laughing as I type "grow up" since my oldest is only 6, but still.
On the positive side of all of this, my walk towards knowing God and His heart, following Jesus like what He intended, and allowing the Holy Spirit of God to work in and through me has been very fruitful. I'm going to make an attempt to read the entire bible from front to back. Even if the majority of it goes over my head, I'm not going to make lists of questions, I'm just going to read what God felt it important to impart to the men that wrote it, and allow that to do whatever it is going to do in my life. All scripture is useful, so I may as well read all of it, lol.
I'm currently struggling with feeling offended at my Dr's office, worried about my body and what the heck is wrong, very seriously contemplating getting my tubes tied, and then the normal everyday things that occupy our minds at any given time. I feel so childish and selfish to be irritated with my Dr, but I feel like he should have taken the 75 sec it would have taken to give me that answer about how much longer it should be instead of allowing the woman on the phone to give it to me. I've always thought that he was such a caring Dr, always asking about my husband, and making small talk, but yet since I've lost this baby, I've had no contact at all with him. The part about me being the longest patient he's ever had to go through this, is more than enough reason in my opinion to have personally spoken with me. Why isn't he more curious why my body is handling the miscarriage like it is? Ugh, I feel even more like a big baby typing it out. I guess you just have to be in my mind to truly understand. It's not like I'm so important he should make time to talk to me, but more like I'm a medical exception so he'd want to find out what's going on.
Then I've got the whole getting my tubes tied thing. I desperately WANT another baby, but that's not enough reason to have one. I'm 34, my hubby is almost 37, and we have 3 healthy and perfect sons. There are so many reasons NOT to have another baby, and I feel selfish even considering another one. I just need God's peace in this.
This week my oldest moved out of his bunk bed and into the "nursery". My 'baby' moved out of the nursery into the bunk bed. It's been such a blessing to watch these boys grow up. I'm laughing as I type "grow up" since my oldest is only 6, but still.
On the positive side of all of this, my walk towards knowing God and His heart, following Jesus like what He intended, and allowing the Holy Spirit of God to work in and through me has been very fruitful. I'm going to make an attempt to read the entire bible from front to back. Even if the majority of it goes over my head, I'm not going to make lists of questions, I'm just going to read what God felt it important to impart to the men that wrote it, and allow that to do whatever it is going to do in my life. All scripture is useful, so I may as well read all of it, lol.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Three weeks later...
It's been three weeks since my husband and I found out that our baby wasn't going to be one that we could ever hold in our arms. It's been easier and harder than I thought it'd be coming to terms with the news. My body is having a difficult time processing the miscarriage and is not allowing it to happen, but I've been having signs the last 10 days that it's getting the message. I'm amazed at how God has met Steve and I through this and the grace He's poured out to help us maneuver around the unfamiliar terrain. God is so good, even when our circumstances are not.
Steve has this amazing ability to 'know' what people are having, and thus far has yet to be wrong. He was certain that I was carrying a boy and had him named from day one. We will forever refer to him as Baby Elijah. I want him back in my womb, but I have accepted that he's got another purpose than to be cradled lovingly in my arms on this earth.
I pray that God would just continue the work that He's started in my heart. I need His peace and the joy that comes from intimately knowing Him and how much He loves us. I ask for His will to be known on whether we should go for another baby or just rest and enjoy the three wonderful blessings that He had bestowed upon us. I am blessed beyond measure and know that God has so many more blessings stored up for me and I walk in obedience to Him and pursue the desires He places in my heart. Thank You God for what you do and have done in our lives, I want to experience all that You have for me!
Steve has this amazing ability to 'know' what people are having, and thus far has yet to be wrong. He was certain that I was carrying a boy and had him named from day one. We will forever refer to him as Baby Elijah. I want him back in my womb, but I have accepted that he's got another purpose than to be cradled lovingly in my arms on this earth.
I pray that God would just continue the work that He's started in my heart. I need His peace and the joy that comes from intimately knowing Him and how much He loves us. I ask for His will to be known on whether we should go for another baby or just rest and enjoy the three wonderful blessings that He had bestowed upon us. I am blessed beyond measure and know that God has so many more blessings stored up for me and I walk in obedience to Him and pursue the desires He places in my heart. Thank You God for what you do and have done in our lives, I want to experience all that You have for me!
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