Frustration, Favor, and the Finishing Work of Christ

Merry Christmas!

I’m well aware this is not the actual date of Jesus Christ’s birth—and honestly, I couldn’t care less. What matters is that He was born. He was God's Son, lived a life led by the Spirit of God, died for our sins while we were still His enemies, counted us as the joy set before Him, and was resurrected on the third day. That is what we celebrate.

Over the past year—probably longer if I’m being honest—I’ve been walking backward in my relationship with Christ. I encountered adversity I wasn’t prepared to handle, and instead of giving it to Him, I searched the world for comfort. I intentionally drove myself into confusion because I didn’t want the truth to be true. I thought if I ignored it long enough, it would go away, people would change their minds about me, and we could all be friends.

It doesn’t work that way.

That approach only keeps people and situations in your life far longer than they were ever meant to stay. And once you’ve allowed yourself to drift far enough from Him, finding your way back is harder than most people realize. For the last fifteen years, I’ve preached that you can simply turn back to Him—that He’s right there, ready to receive you, and that you can move forward from the place you wandered off.

I still believe that.
But I’ve learned there are nuances you don’t understand until you have to live them.

First, the place you think you wandered away from faith usually isn’t where you actually did.
Second, you have to allow the Lord to reveal what you never dealt with in the first place—because that’s often why you strayed.
Third, release the urge to tear yourself down. There are plenty of people willing to do that for you, and they don’t need your agreement. Self-condemnation only slows the process.
Fourth, any justification you make for staying where you are isn’t really a justification—it’s an excuse that keeps you stuck.
Fifth, God’s favor is often found most clearly in the places you least deserve it, sometimes even more than in the seasons where you were actively expressing His love and truth.
Sixth, continue to speak truth over yourself and your circumstances regardless of outcomes. This is where faith is tested.
And finally, forgive yourself and come back. You may never receive compassion from the people you want it from most—and that’s okay. Some people’s pain prevents them from seeing you differently, and you can’t change that. Let them.

I am highly favored, deeply frustrated (and probably frustrating), and walking in the finished work of Christ. I’m grateful for what I’ve learned through years of studying the Word, and now I’m realizing how necessary it is to apply it. I feel stuck—but feelings lie.

My prayer is that those of us who believe our circumstances are nothing more than the irreversible consequences of our choices would begin declaring the truth of God’s Word over our lives. It may take time—especially if the choices that led us astray didn’t happen overnight—but we will return to where He desires us to be.

The Lord cares more about His glory than we do. So if it’s truly our heart to glorify Him, we can trust Him to lead us there. I’m not promising it will be easy, attractive, or unfold the way you hoped—but it will glorify Him. And that is what matters most.

Be blessed, and be a blessing. ❤️

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

‘Actions speak louder than words’ is a well known saying, and for the most part,

true. However, I've come to realize that discernment is still necessary.

People can smile in your face, yet can vilify you behind your back. People might

help you only to feel good about themselves, while still being judgmental. This is

why it's so important to ask the Lord to search our hearts in order to reveal any

wickedness, lest we do this to others.

The Lord loves answering those prayers. It's the human condition to want to feel

good about ourselves, but it's the sin nature to judge and compare ourselves.

Here's the thing though. We are all on a sea of glass, and no one is better than

another. Yes, there are people I would rather not associate with, and wouldn't

shed a tear if they never came to know God, but that's the sin nature in me, not

God's heart. I guess that's what being "normal" is, but children of God are called

to more, to much more.

In this life, all we can hope for is that God purifies our hearts so we stand before

Him sanctified. Humans will always accuse and hurl attacks towards others, and

many times it will be towards people we care for very much. We must forgive

them for their accusations and not hold it against them, or else we participate in

sin ourselves and step out of the divine transformation of our hearts that we've

been called to.

Some of us are pretty strange birds, and that's part of the beauty of life. There's

a whole internet world of cookie cutter families posting their lives in hopes of

gaining followers who want to mimic every move. There is nothing wrong with

taking things we respect or admire, and making them part of ourselves. I just

hope we are allowing the Lord to have His input on those characteristics.

The painful lesson I'm learning this season is to embrace who I am, and to not

hold it against those that don't want to understand or embrace me. Being

someone who tries to understand everything about everyone, is challenging for

me. I want to relate with people who do not care to delve deeper into my life or to

have compassion and understand me. But, I've come to accept that's probably

how they're wired, and I'm just as confusing to them.

We all have issues. There's no way around accepting that. For example, as

much as I'm trying to not be addicted to my phone, I found a social media reel

that helped me to better understand rejection, while the Lord was working a deep

transformation in my heart.

The reel was a mama and her son. She held various items in her hand and

asked her son to pick one. He did, and she immediately asked what was wrong

with the other items, and he responded "Nothing." That's applicable to us as

well. Just because we weren't picked doesn't mean there's anything wrong with

us, we just weren't chosen.

If I go to buy myself flowers, and I leave with a stargazer lily, it doesn't mean I

also don't love the rose, or the tulips, the carnations, or even the baby's breath. It

just means the stargazer lily is what spoke to my heart that day. I want to apply

that to my everyday interactions. We like to think if someone or something isn't

chosen, that something else was actually better, when that's not always the

case. And quite possibly, rarely the case.

I am grateful that the Lord has allowed this last season of personal rejection

because it's helped me to come to terms with the truth that His love is enough.

I've always said it, but I've never walked it. And if we're going to be brutally

honest, I'm still not walking in it.

We all have a wall we use to protect ourselves from pain, despite pain being

necessary for character development. We can't protect ourselves from others,

and also grow to the stature that the Lord desires. He will protect us, He will lead

us, He will love us, and He will heal us.

We protect ourselves by immersing our hearts in Him, and then listening to His

still and quiet voice, no matter what our flesh desires or our mind says.

God is all about exposing, but He exposes for purpose and redemption. All

hidden things will become known and that's a good thing for those that want to

know Him. The less the enemy can hold over us, the less ability he has to make

us into his personal marionettes.

It's not hard to manipulate people, but it's ugly as heck to do so. Release the

need to control, and put it in God's hands, for He makes all things new in His

timing. We want clean hands and a pure heart to pursue the MORE of Him, and

this is the season He wants to pour it out.

We need not be concerned that the darkness keeps spreading, for His kingdom

and its light are doing the same. Change your focus. God's love is our priority,

we must feed upon it, for it's only in doing so that we can know who we are, and

what He's called us to.

If not, we become like worker bees, and yes we're doing what we should, but it's

almost robotic and we were called to so much more.

I'm not sure if this will even make sense to most, but it marks a very important

stage in my life, and ultimately that's what this blog is for. I had thought I was

helping others, when in reality, I was keeping a journal that would help me. We

only know what we know, and we all know it partly. The body of Christ is coming

into its fullness, and I'm grateful that I'm allowed to be a part of that, even in my

struggle to understand all things. Be blessed and be a blessing <3

Pure Chaos

The Lord said he was going to start with His house, and He was not lying.  EVERYTHING that can be shaken, will be.  I did not make it through the sifting of the wheat and tares, matter of fact, I ran away from my faith with my whole being after an event in my life, that I blamed on my handling of a situation over a decade earlier.  The hilarious part, simultaneously the heart shattering part, is to find that no matter how stupid I am, and how vehemently I question Him, He listens, and He answers.  He isn't a genie in a bottle, He's not concerned with appearances.  He also doesn't tell me everything I want to know, and He's normally in opposition to what I want. Hence, my tantrum this last year and a half as I had the audacity to believe Him to be unfaithful due to the pain and suffering of those around me, and what He allowed to sift me.  He doesn't flinch though.  He doesn't get offended when I question Him, because He's not surprised that I am.  

However, from what I can understand, He does require those that believe to respond to His leading to the very best of our ability in all areas. And that is where I fell off, or where I saw my immense limitations, your call.  This year has taught me so much I never wanted to learn, and also everything I needed to. He loves me, even when I don't act like I love Him, because He is faithful, even when I'm not.  I want to love God more than anything, but right now, I don't seem to love Him enough.  And He understands. The God who created ALL things, that can do anything, wants a relationship with flawed humans. Humans who haven't personally seen Him, but know of His mercy and love, because that was His plan for the world. I don't personally approve of that plan, and it does not matter.  Truth doesn't need anyone to believe in it for it to be true. Lord, please open our eyes and soften our hearts. We need you, even if we think we don't. Let's not put a box around that which we don't truly understand.  Let God be God. Or don't. 

Regardless, Lord God, start with me.

God's timing is always perfect...

This post isn't about me, well it is, but it's not.

There was a new woman at bible study today.  She shared the most beautiful testimony about her experience at the Wed night church service.  I wish that I could share that here, it was truly amazing.  She has a heart for the Lord and is expecting her first child.   We all found ourselves amazed at God's providence in it.  At one point as she was retelling what happened she said something to the effect of it being so cool that God was doing that for her b/c she was the only pregnant woman in the room, and I found myself having some mixed emotions.  As much as I tried to listen to the rest of her wonderful story about how God met her exactly where she needed Him, I found myself thinking about myself.

I kept trying to refocus on her, but thoughts of jealousy, pain, loss, hurt, anger kept interuppting.  At one point I had to quietly leave the room because I couldn't help the tears that started coming.  After I snuck out, I spent a few minutes just allowing the tears to flow a bit.  I prayed and asked God to please use all of this for His glory, to allow me to experience whatever I needed to in order to heal from this, and to pour out blessings upon this woman and child that were the vehicles which enabled this bursting forth of raw emotion from me.

I felt God work on my selfishness, that this was not about me, but was about her.  He waited until this specific Friday to bring her to the bible study b/c my miscarriage was now completely over.  I had the D&C the Friday before, have had multiple people praying for me and over me, and that He was in the process of doing something still with me in it, but that now He wanted me to bless her and get my mind off of myself.

I am happy to do that, and truly do pray for an outpouring of His protection, health, and love over her and her lil' one that's still baking.    I am trusting Him that He is everything I need and do not want to spend another second keeping my eyes on my circumstances, but want to put everything I have towards Him and His kingdom purposes.