This post isn't about me, well it is, but it's not.
There was a new woman at bible study today. She shared the most beautiful testimony about her experience at the Wed night church service. I wish that I could share that here, it was truly amazing. She has a heart for the Lord and is expecting her first child. We all found ourselves amazed at God's providence in it. At one point as she was retelling what happened she said something to the effect of it being so cool that God was doing that for her b/c she was the only pregnant woman in the room, and I found myself having some mixed emotions. As much as I tried to listen to the rest of her wonderful story about how God met her exactly where she needed Him, I found myself thinking about myself.
I kept trying to refocus on her, but thoughts of jealousy, pain, loss, hurt, anger kept interuppting. At one point I had to quietly leave the room because I couldn't help the tears that started coming. After I snuck out, I spent a few minutes just allowing the tears to flow a bit. I prayed and asked God to please use all of this for His glory, to allow me to experience whatever I needed to in order to heal from this, and to pour out blessings upon this woman and child that were the vehicles which enabled this bursting forth of raw emotion from me.
I felt God work on my selfishness, that this was not about me, but was about her. He waited until this specific Friday to bring her to the bible study b/c my miscarriage was now completely over. I had the D&C the Friday before, have had multiple people praying for me and over me, and that He was in the process of doing something still with me in it, but that now He wanted me to bless her and get my mind off of myself.
I am happy to do that, and truly do pray for an outpouring of His protection, health, and love over her and her lil' one that's still baking. I am trusting Him that He is everything I need and do not want to spend another second keeping my eyes on my circumstances, but want to put everything I have towards Him and His kingdom purposes.