My heart is currently full of gratitude at the mercy of God in my life. Yesterday it wasn't.
I've always been the type that will tell you what's wrong, even when almost everything is perfect. I have referred to that as being a realist. My husband strongly disagrees. I've come to find out that's one area where the Lord and my husband agree. Faith and realism are at war the same as flesh and spirit are. Life will happen (aka realism) but we serve a God who is continually weaving together something that can only be seen with eyes of faith.
In the last hour, I've rejoiced with my 12 yr old and 10 yr old as the younger taught the older how to play guitar. I've laughed with my 10 mo old as she tried to mimic a game my husband and 8 yr old were playing. I teared up when praying over my toddler as he went to bed for the very last time as a 2 yr old. I am overcome with God's mercy, even as my priorities were seriously out of whack less than 24 hrs before.
Yesterday I went to a meeting to discuss what comes next for my toddler who has some delays. I was expecting them to say that he'd still need speech, but that he wouldn't really qualify for the classroom. I listened attentively as each participant in his evaluation process proceeded to tell me their observations and how they corresponded to my sensory report on him. My 3 yr old (36 mo for the not so great at math, lol) was testing in most areas in between a 17 mo old and a 24 mo old. He did have some scattered scores taking him up to 36 mo, but those weren't common.
He's been getting therapy for the last 10 months and has improved quite a bit. I've been encouraged as I've seen the progress. This IEP meeting brought me down to reality though. He's not just a lil' behind like I tell myself, but rather significantly behind and is being placed into a special ed classroom.
This is where it gets ugly. My heart, and its shallowness, was exposed like a raw nerve in a tooth. My child needs to be in special education? NO. You're wrong. Not my boy. He's behind, but he's fine. He doesn't need to be in THAT ROOM.
I am ashamed to type that, but it is what it is. I know kids in special education and think they are perfectly wonderful. I have absolutely zero negative feelings about special ed in regards to the program as a whole, and celebrate how awesome the classrooms are. I know teachers of special ed and admire their heart for those that need a bit more help than the average child.
Yet, my heart's response showed me that while I may think it's all good and wonderful for someone else, it was not acceptable for my family. There was a stigma for me, it screamed that I didn't do enough, that I failed him, even though that would NEVER cross my mind for another family with a child in special ed.
Thankfully, I have since learned to rejoice in this report. He gets to be one of seven children in a classroom with 1 teacher and 2 aides. He is more than likely going to thrive there. He will be forced to interact with other children, and develop friendships. He will be held to a schedule that thus far I've been unable to even hold myself to. He is going to grow and be stretched. I'm going to grow and be stretched. This is a great opportunity for both of us.
Granted, my example of the good, the bad, and the ugly was mediocre at best, but most of life are these kinds of bumps in the roads where we can get derailed and miss the joys of the journey we're on. I annoy the ever living heck out of my friends in my searching for silver linings. Sometimes there just isn't one I've been informed. Fair enough. Sometimes there is not, but most times, there is. It is for our benefit to search for it and find it like it's treasure. He works out all things for good. Bill Johnson has a saying that I found perplexing, but have grown to really like, "God may not be in control, but He is in charge". We get a say in how we respond to life (the part that God is not in control, we're not robots), but we can trust His word even if it takes our whole life to come together. He is not a man that He should lie. He has yet to disappoint me even when our timetables, and probably vision, are completely different. I've learned more about faith in the waiting to see prayers fulfilled than I have in the miraculously fulfilled ones. I. am. grateful. for. it. all.