Glimpses of Chaos Unchecked

Chaos: complete disorder and confusion

That's what this year has been for me, CHAOS. Chaos with glimpses of peace woven in has been my normal for so long, that when this year challenged me to embrace even more chaos, I fell apart.  Praise God that while that is happening, He is taking the time to sculpt me into what He designed before life got its hands on me. I like to lie to myself and say we've got to be almost done working on me, but that is never how my relationship with God goes. Pure heart or bust is my life goal, and it's obviously quite messy, even if entertaining for others.

I have found that I am my biggest critic, along with some of y'all that are reading this, but that's cool. I also have discovered that allowing myself to receive God's grace is the only way forward out of this ridiculously cyclical mountain exploration.  It's not that I deserve grace, because I do not.  However, if I won't stop wasting time examining the base of this stupid mountain I go around, even if I find new things every blasted time I look at it, I will only become an expert on the base of the mountain. What is the point of that?!?  If I do that I wouldn't be helpful anywhere I couldn't physically see, and certainly not on top where I'd have the best vantage point. That speaks for itself.

I am thankful for the Lord's faithfulness even when I've been unfaithful, and genuinely hope my lessons are almost learned. Why I always choose to do things that hardest way possible is beyond my comprehension.  Anywho, hope this blesses at least one person. And now the title of the blog makes a bit more sense as I just kept trying to push peace until this post, lol.

 

To add insult to injury, the Lord is using my own writings to correct me in this season.  That's a whole nother level of "Sweet child, it's time to rise. This is not what you were created for." I am truly grateful for the discipline of the Lord, even when I'm not listening.  He really does love us so.  I want to love Him like He loves me, but I don't yet.

Transparency, Good or Bad?

I've come to realize that being transparent comes with a price.  I have a close friend who told me that when she first met me she was very put off by how forthcoming I was with areas of my life.  She explained that kind of honesty normally only comes when you've developed a close friendship with someone and I treated everyone like they were in my inner circle which was strange.  As she got to know me better, she grew to like that quality very much (which is good for me!) because she never had to wonder where she stood with me.

I didn't quite know how to take that at first.  I guess I never realized that it was so off putting to others for me to share what's really going on.  I don't share what's not mine to share.  I try and be very general when I feel like I need to allude to something not soley mine in order to share my struggle, but don't have the ability to be specific. In hindsight, I always thought that was a good quality as I appreciate people getting straight to the point with me.  Although that just goes to show how prideful I still am with no basis to be so.  At least I now see it!  I have little doubt that I have even taught my boys such a basic concept, just because you like something a certain way doesn't mean others do.

Anyways, I don't navigate social situations very well and don't know how to not speak my mind.  Trust me, I have tried and tried.  I will continue to try as I do understand that what I think isn't really all that important for the most part.  I do wonder how many others I've rubbed the wrong way because of my straightforwardness though.

I have learned that there is some value in keeping things surface level.  I struggle to do it as it seems like such a waste of time, but that doesn't mean it actually is.  I need to honor that there is a hierarchy of friendship levels and it bodes well for me to not cannonball in when the person I'm talking to is simply dipping their toes in so to speak.

To sum it up, I suppose transparency is neither good nor bad.  It has varying degrees just like everything else does and the best place is to be in balance with it.  One of these days I might even find it!

I am grateful for my friends who speak truth into my life, and forever indebted to them for putting up with my unusual quirks.  FYI, I love that I can be me to fullest degree with thee =) hehehe.