But They Don't Deserve It

But they don't deserve it, God...

Haven’t we all thought that at some point?

What’s worse—we’re often right.

We watch people we don’t believe deserve blessing get blessed, and something in us recoils. In our hearts, offense quietly takes root. We compare. We calculate. We wonder why obedience seems overlooked while recklessness appears rewarded.

Just for the record, I live on both sides of that tension.

I don’t deserve to hear the Lord’s voice or to be led by His love—yet here I am, walking with the Great I AM. At the same time, I struggle when people who intentionally cause deep emotional pain to others appear to thrive. Call me human—because we all are.

Over the last few years, the Lord has repeatedly drawn me to Luke 18, particularly the parable of the unrighteous judge and the persevering widow (Luke 18:1–8). It’s tempting to read that passage and conclude that God is moved only by persistence—that if we are loud enough, relentless enough, or irritating enough, He will finally respond. Maybe that’s where the phrase “the squeaky wheel gets the grease” comes from.

But Jesus isn’t presenting God as an unrighteous judge.

In fact, He is doing the opposite.

God is not distant, annoyed, or unwilling. He is not withholding until we wear Him down. He literally gave His own life so that we could come boldly before His throne. We don’t need to pester Him into compassion—He is compassion.

Immediately after that parable, Jesus tells another story that reveals how we are meant to approach God at all.

Luke 18:9–14 (ESV)
He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt…

Two men pray. One is a Pharisee—outwardly righteous, disciplined, obedient, and confident in his standing before God. The other is a tax collector—someone who wouldn’t even lift his eyes to heaven, but simply cried out, “God, be merciful to me, a sinner.”

Jesus tells us that the tax collector went home justified.

I don’t think we fully grasp how repulsive a tax collector would have been in Jesus’ day. This wasn’t like working for the IRS (no offense to anyone who does). These men worked for the oppressors of God’s people. They partnered with the enemy. They enriched themselves by stealing from their own community.

And yet, Jesus says that man—the one painfully aware of his sin—was justified rather than the Pharisee who checked every visible box of obedience.

Why?

Because God looks at the heart. And God alone searches it.

This is not a license to walk in sin as though it doesn’t matter. That is not the heart of this message at all. What this is about is something far more subtle—and far more dangerous.

It’s about becoming greedy with the kingdom of God.

It’s about becoming the elder brother in Luke 15, angry that the prodigal is welcomed home with celebration. We say we want sinners to repent—but only if they end up with less than we have. Only if their restoration doesn’t make our obedience feel insignificant.

When we think that way, we reveal something sobering: that perhaps our walk with God was never about submission to His will, but about earning blessing for ourselves.

God’s heart toward sinners is not reluctant—it is eager.
Not resentful—it is redemptive.
Not transactional—it is overflowing with mercy.

And when we struggle with that, it doesn’t mean God is wrong.
It means He’s inviting us deeper—into humility, into surrender, and into His heart.

Because in the kingdom of God, grace has never been fair.
And thank God for that.

Frustration, Favor, and the Finishing Work of Christ

Merry Christmas!

I’m well aware this is not the actual date of Jesus Christ’s birth—and honestly, I couldn’t care less. What matters is that He was born. He was God's Son, lived a life led by the Spirit of God, died for our sins while we were still His enemies, counted us as the joy set before Him, and was resurrected on the third day. That is what we celebrate.

Over the past year—probably longer if I’m being honest—I’ve been walking backward in my relationship with Christ. I encountered adversity I wasn’t prepared to handle, and instead of giving it to Him, I searched the world for comfort. I intentionally drove myself into confusion because I didn’t want the truth to be true. I thought if I ignored it long enough, it would go away, people would change their minds about me, and we could all be friends.

It doesn’t work that way.

That approach only keeps people and situations in your life far longer than they were ever meant to stay. And once you’ve allowed yourself to drift far enough from Him, finding your way back is harder than most people realize. For the last fifteen years, I’ve preached that you can simply turn back to Him—that He’s right there, ready to receive you, and that you can move forward from the place you wandered off.

I still believe that.
But I’ve learned there are nuances you don’t understand until you have to live them.

First, the place you think you wandered away from faith usually isn’t where you actually did.
Second, you have to allow the Lord to reveal what you never dealt with in the first place—because that’s often why you strayed.
Third, release the urge to tear yourself down. There are plenty of people willing to do that for you, and they don’t need your agreement. Self-condemnation only slows the process.
Fourth, any justification you make for staying where you are isn’t really a justification—it’s an excuse that keeps you stuck.
Fifth, God’s favor is often found most clearly in the places you least deserve it, sometimes even more than in the seasons where you were actively expressing His love and truth.
Sixth, continue to speak truth over yourself and your circumstances regardless of outcomes. This is where faith is tested.
And finally, forgive yourself and come back. You may never receive compassion from the people you want it from most—and that’s okay. Some people’s pain prevents them from seeing you differently, and you can’t change that. Let them.

I am highly favored, deeply frustrated (and probably frustrating), and walking in the finished work of Christ. I’m grateful for what I’ve learned through years of studying the Word, and now I’m realizing how necessary it is to apply it. I feel stuck—but feelings lie.

My prayer is that those of us who believe our circumstances are nothing more than the irreversible consequences of our choices would begin declaring the truth of God’s Word over our lives. It may take time—especially if the choices that led us astray didn’t happen overnight—but we will return to where He desires us to be.

The Lord cares more about His glory than we do. So if it’s truly our heart to glorify Him, we can trust Him to lead us there. I’m not promising it will be easy, attractive, or unfold the way you hoped—but it will glorify Him. And that is what matters most.

Be blessed, and be a blessing. ❤️

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

‘Actions speak louder than words’ is a well known saying, and for the most part,

true. However, I've come to realize that discernment is still necessary.

People can smile in your face, yet can vilify you behind your back. People might

help you only to feel good about themselves, while still being judgmental. This is

why it's so important to ask the Lord to search our hearts in order to reveal any

wickedness, lest we do this to others.

The Lord loves answering those prayers. It's the human condition to want to feel

good about ourselves, but it's the sin nature to judge and compare ourselves.

Here's the thing though. We are all on a sea of glass, and no one is better than

another. Yes, there are people I would rather not associate with, and wouldn't

shed a tear if they never came to know God, but that's the sin nature in me, not

God's heart. I guess that's what being "normal" is, but children of God are called

to more, to much more.

In this life, all we can hope for is that God purifies our hearts so we stand before

Him sanctified. Humans will always accuse and hurl attacks towards others, and

many times it will be towards people we care for very much. We must forgive

them for their accusations and not hold it against them, or else we participate in

sin ourselves and step out of the divine transformation of our hearts that we've

been called to.

Some of us are pretty strange birds, and that's part of the beauty of life. There's

a whole internet world of cookie cutter families posting their lives in hopes of

gaining followers who want to mimic every move. There is nothing wrong with

taking things we respect or admire, and making them part of ourselves. I just

hope we are allowing the Lord to have His input on those characteristics.

The painful lesson I'm learning this season is to embrace who I am, and to not

hold it against those that don't want to understand or embrace me. Being

someone who tries to understand everything about everyone, is challenging for

me. I want to relate with people who do not care to delve deeper into my life or to

have compassion and understand me. But, I've come to accept that's probably

how they're wired, and I'm just as confusing to them.

We all have issues. There's no way around accepting that. For example, as

much as I'm trying to not be addicted to my phone, I found a social media reel

that helped me to better understand rejection, while the Lord was working a deep

transformation in my heart.

The reel was a mama and her son. She held various items in her hand and

asked her son to pick one. He did, and she immediately asked what was wrong

with the other items, and he responded "Nothing." That's applicable to us as

well. Just because we weren't picked doesn't mean there's anything wrong with

us, we just weren't chosen.

If I go to buy myself flowers, and I leave with a stargazer lily, it doesn't mean I

also don't love the rose, or the tulips, the carnations, or even the baby's breath. It

just means the stargazer lily is what spoke to my heart that day. I want to apply

that to my everyday interactions. We like to think if someone or something isn't

chosen, that something else was actually better, when that's not always the

case. And quite possibly, rarely the case.

I am grateful that the Lord has allowed this last season of personal rejection

because it's helped me to come to terms with the truth that His love is enough.

I've always said it, but I've never walked it. And if we're going to be brutally

honest, I'm still not walking in it.

We all have a wall we use to protect ourselves from pain, despite pain being

necessary for character development. We can't protect ourselves from others,

and also grow to the stature that the Lord desires. He will protect us, He will lead

us, He will love us, and He will heal us.

We protect ourselves by immersing our hearts in Him, and then listening to His

still and quiet voice, no matter what our flesh desires or our mind says.

God is all about exposing, but He exposes for purpose and redemption. All

hidden things will become known and that's a good thing for those that want to

know Him. The less the enemy can hold over us, the less ability he has to make

us into his personal marionettes.

It's not hard to manipulate people, but it's ugly as heck to do so. Release the

need to control, and put it in God's hands, for He makes all things new in His

timing. We want clean hands and a pure heart to pursue the MORE of Him, and

this is the season He wants to pour it out.

We need not be concerned that the darkness keeps spreading, for His kingdom

and its light are doing the same. Change your focus. God's love is our priority,

we must feed upon it, for it's only in doing so that we can know who we are, and

what He's called us to.

If not, we become like worker bees, and yes we're doing what we should, but it's

almost robotic and we were called to so much more.

I'm not sure if this will even make sense to most, but it marks a very important

stage in my life, and ultimately that's what this blog is for. I had thought I was

helping others, when in reality, I was keeping a journal that would help me. We

only know what we know, and we all know it partly. The body of Christ is coming

into its fullness, and I'm grateful that I'm allowed to be a part of that, even in my

struggle to understand all things. Be blessed and be a blessing <3

Humble Pie

This post has taken me 2.5 months to write. Most likely because I'm still in the process of the humbling, but I'm going to try and put down this season into words so I have a quasi-account of it. 

Humble Pie was both the best and worst meal I've ever ingested.  It is the best solely because it has allowed me to see things I was previously blind to.  It is simultaneously the worst because it has turned my entire world upside down and inside out, for all to point fingers and assign blame, the exact same way I was doing but blind to. 

I am so very grateful for the body of Christ that truly loves like Jesus loves, and made room for me in my sin, to come back and look again to our perfect Father in heaven, and seek Him through His Son, Jesus Christ once more. I've had strangers reach out to me and extend love through action, while others have done nothing but hurl metaphorical daggers. Mind you, daggers I deserve, even if the hurlers are only partially correct in their reasoning. This season of wilderness allowed me to see what I was hiding from myself, and I needed it even though I did not want it. 

The crazy part is that the Lord knew I would fall hard, and then turn from him and run back to familiar coping mechanisms. He knew I didn't know Him enough to lean on Him through the realization of my failures, and that I would get mentally caught in a rut, spiraling downwards. He knew that while others tested me, I would rebel out of spite, even to my own detriment. He also knew that I really did love Him, and that my behavior was a reflection of my mindset, not my heart. He's put the most beautiful people in my life to lift me back up. I've learned how important it is to deal with emotional pain, and not walk on eggshells for others. More importantly, I've learned to not isolate and deal with things myself.  If your friends can't be inconvenienced to show up for your emotional pain, what does it matter if they show up for the celebrations?

My mindset is only slightly better than it was for my last post, but I now have hope and can see much more clearly that His plans and purposes are to bless me, and not curse me, even if I don't deserve it. He loves us even while we're enemies, how much more does He move mountains for us when we're not but we still hurt His heart?  Lord strengthen me for whatever comes, that I may reflect your love, and not my pain.

Pure Chaos

The Lord said he was going to start with His house, and He was not lying.  EVERYTHING that can be shaken, will be.  I did not make it through the sifting of the wheat and tares, matter of fact, I ran away from my faith with my whole being after an event in my life.  The hilarious part, simultaneously the heart shattering part, is to find that no matter how stupid I am, and how vehemently I question Him, He listens, and He answers.  He isn't a genie in a bottle, He's not concerned with appearances.  He also doesn't tell me everything I want to know, and He's normally is opposition to what I want. Hence, my tantrum this last year and a half as I had the audacity to believe Him to be unfaithful due to the pain and suffering of those around me.  He doesn't flinch though.  He doesn't get offended when I question Him, because He's not surprised that I am.  

However, from what I can understand, He does require those that believe to respond to His leading to the very best of our ability in all areas. And that is where I fell off, or where I saw my immense limitations, your call.  This year has taught me so much I never wanted to learn, and also everything I needed to. He loves me, even when I don't act like I love Him, because He is faithful, even when I'm not.  I want to love God more than anything, but right now, I don't seem to love Him enough.  And He understands. The God who created ALL things, that can do anything, wants a relationship with flawed humans. Humans who haven't personally seen Him, but know of His mercy and love, because that was His plan for the world. I don't personally approve of that plan, and it does not matter.  Truth doesn't need anyone to believe in it for it to be true. Lord, please open our eyes and soften our hearts. We need you, even if we think we don't. Let's not put a box around that which we don't truly understand.  Let God be God. Or don't. 

Regardless, start with me.

Glimpses of Chaos Unchecked

Chaos: complete disorder and confusion

That's what this year has been for me, CHAOS. Chaos with glimpses of peace woven in has been my normal for so long, that when this year challenged me to embrace even more chaos, I fell apart.  Praise God that while that is happening, He is taking the time to sculpt me into what He designed before life got its hands on me. I like to lie to myself and say we've got to be almost done working on me, but that is never how my relationship with God goes. Pure heart or bust is my life goal, and it's obviously quite messy, even if entertaining for others.

I have found that I am my biggest critic, along with some of y'all that are reading this, but that's cool. I also have discovered that allowing myself to receive God's grace is the only way forward out of this ridiculously cyclical mountain exploration.  It's not that I deserve grace, because I do not.  However, if I won't stop wasting time examining the base of this stupid mountain I go around, even if I find new things every blasted time I look at it, I will only become an expert on the base of the mountain. What is the point of that?!?  If I do that I wouldn't be helpful anywhere I couldn't physically see, and certainly not on top where I'd have the best vantage point. That speaks for itself.

I am thankful for the Lord's faithfulness even when I've been unfaithful, and genuinely hope my lessons are almost learned. Why I always choose to do things that hardest way possible is beyond my comprehension.  Anywho, hope this blesses at least one person. And now the title of the blog makes a bit more sense as I just kept trying to push peace until this post, lol.

 

To add insult to injury, the Lord is using my own writings to correct me in this season.  That's a whole nother level of "Sweet child, it's time to rise. This is not what you were created for." I am truly grateful for the discipline of the Lord, even when I'm not listening.  He really does love us so.  I want to love Him like He loves me, but I don't yet.

God’s Peace or Mine

I want peace. I want peace in my mind, peace in my heart, and peace in my soul. I so value peace that I used to settle for a counterfeit peace. I never realized there was a difference between the peace of Christ in me, and just having peace myself, but I do now. 

Sometimes God’s peace would elude me and I’d have a single drink to usher it in, or mindlessly scroll through my phone, or avoid having conversations that needed to be had, simply to maintain this counterfeit peace that I had been able to create. What’s really sad is that I would then thank God for that false peace I had manufactured, attributing that to Him in my ignorance.

I want to have God’s definition of love and humility when I come before Him, not my own that I’ve painstakingly clung to in order to justify myself. I am so grateful for His loving correction, and the patience that He’s had for me as I learn how to follow Him, instead of going my own way, and trying to keep Him with me. The joy of my salvation should be evident in my life decisions that celebrate the walking out of it.

If I really love the Lord, why would I walk in opposition to Him, and think I love Him? What did Jesus mean when he said that those who love Him would obey Him? As one of my dear friends has reminded me recently, we need to know our place, and she wasn’t wrong.

No matter how wise we think we might be, His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are far above our thoughts. The only way we get to have a more fuller understanding of that is the relationship that we get to have with God the Father, Christ His Son, and the Holy Spirit. 

If this sounds heavy and legalistic, then I have not written it with the love, mercy, and joy that it was intended to convey. The spirit of religion will always steal, kill, and destroy that which a relationship with Jesus has made possible. Thank you for coming to my TED talk 🤪