Humble Pie

This post has taken me 2.5 months to write. Most likely because I'm still in the process of the humbling, but I'm going to try and put down this season into words so I have a quasi-account of it. 

Humble Pie was both the best and worst meal I've ever ingested.  It is the best solely because it has allowed me to see things I was previously blind to.  It is simultaneously the worst because it has turned my entire world upside down and inside out, for all to point fingers and assign blame, the exact same way I was doing but blind to. 

I am so very grateful for the body of Christ that truly loves like Jesus loves, and made room for me in my sin, to come back and look again to our perfect Father in heaven, and seek Him through His Son, Jesus Christ once more. I've had strangers reach out to me and extend love through action, while others have done nothing but hurl metaphorical daggers. Mind you, daggers I deserve, even if the hurlers are only partially correct in their reasoning. This season of wilderness allowed me to see what I was hiding from myself, and I needed it even though I did not want it. 

The crazy part is that the Lord knew I would fall hard, and then turn from him and run back to familiar coping mechanisms. He knew I didn't know Him enough to lean on Him through the realization of my failures, and that I would get mentally caught in a rut, spiraling downwards. He knew that while others tested me, I would rebel out of spite, even to my own detriment. He also knew that I really did love Him, and that my behavior was a reflection of my mindset, not my heart. He's put the most beautiful people in my life to lift me back up. I've learned how important it is to deal with emotional pain, and not walk on eggshells for others. More importantly, I've learned to not isolate and deal with things myself.  If your friends can't be inconvenienced to show up for your emotional pain, what does it matter if they show up for the celebrations?

My mindset is only slightly better than it was for my last post, but I now have hope and can see much more clearly that His plans and purposes are to bless me, and not curse me, even if I don't deserve it. He loves us even while we're enemies, how much more does He move mountains for us when we're not but we still hurt His heart?  Lord strengthen me for whatever comes, that I may reflect your love, and not my pain.