Glimpses of Chaos Unchecked

Chaos: complete disorder and confusion

That's what this year has been for me, CHAOS. Chaos with glimpses of peace woven in has been my normal for so long, that when this year challenged me to embrace even more chaos, I fell apart.  Praise God that while that is happening, He is taking the time to sculpt me into what He designed before life got its hands on me. I like to lie to myself and say we've got to be almost done working on me, but that is never how my relationship with God goes. Pure heart or bust is my life goal, and it's obviously quite messy, even if entertaining for others.

I have found that I am my biggest critic, along with some of y'all that are reading this, but that's cool. I also have discovered that allowing myself to receive God's grace is the only way forward out of this ridiculously cyclical mountain exploration.  It's not that I deserve grace, because I do not.  However, if I won't stop wasting time examining the base of this stupid mountain I go around, even if I find new things every blasted time I look at it, I will only become an expert on the base of the mountain. What is the point of that?!?  If I do that I wouldn't be helpful anywhere I couldn't physically see, and certainly not on top where I'd have the best vantage point. That speaks for itself.

I am thankful for the Lord's faithfulness even when I've been unfaithful, and genuinely hope my lessons are almost learned. Why I always choose to do things that hardest way possible is beyond my comprehension.  Anywho, hope this blesses at least one person. And now the title of the blog makes a bit more sense as I just kept trying to push peace until this post, lol.

 

To add insult to injury, the Lord is using my own writings to correct me in this season.  That's a whole nother level of "Sweet child, it's time to rise. This is not what you were created for." I am truly grateful for the discipline of the Lord, even when I'm not listening.  He really does love us so.  I want to love Him like He loves me, but I don't yet.

God’s Peace or Mine

I want peace. I want peace in my mind, peace in my heart, and peace in my soul. I so value peace that I used to settle for a counterfeit peace. I never realized there was a difference between the peace of Christ in me, and just having peace myself, but I do now. 

Sometimes God’s peace would elude me and I’d have a single drink to usher it in, or mindlessly scroll through my phone, or avoid having conversations that needed to be had, simply to maintain this counterfeit peace that I had been able to create. What’s really sad is that I would then thank God for that false peace I had manufactured, attributing that to Him in my ignorance.

I want to have God’s definition of love and humility when I come before Him, not my own that I’ve painstakingly clung to in order to justify myself. I am so grateful for His loving correction, and the patience that He’s had for me as I learn how to follow Him, instead of going my own way, and trying to keep Him with me. The joy of my salvation should be evident in my life decisions that celebrate the walking out of it.

If I really love the Lord, why would I walk in opposition to Him, and think I love Him? What did Jesus mean when he said that those who love Him would obey Him? As one of my dear friends has reminded me recently, we need to know our place, and she wasn’t wrong.

No matter how wise we think we might be, His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are far above our thoughts. The only way we get to have a more fuller understanding of that is the relationship that we get to have with God the Father, Christ His Son, and the Holy Spirit. 

If this sounds heavy and legalistic, then I have not written it with the love, mercy, and joy that it was intended to convey. The spirit of religion will always steal, kill, and destroy that which a relationship with Jesus has made possible. Thank you for coming to my TED talk 🤪 

Choosing Humility

 “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, you must also forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

Colossians 3:12-14 

This verse has an abundance of practical application for our everyday lives, but I’d like to present the one highlighted to me today. 

It’s imperative to understand due to our inability to control anything other than ourselves. We most likely will have a myriad of situations where we’ll be disappointed in how things play out, and might even wrongly nurture some accusation regarding it. 

For example, I had very recently been sweetly convicted of some offense I had towards another believer after going to them to seek clarity on a issue. Unfortunately, their peace looked a lot different than my peace in how to move past it. I kept praying blessings over the person when I’d think of them b/c I had already recognized that I felt hurt by the situation. That hurt started to become anger and I needed the Lord to bring me His peace as it wasn’t coming from the meeting of minds.

I realize the lack in details makes this hard to relate to, but each of us have people in our lives where we think they’ve gotten something wrong, and they may think something negative about us. We could become really bitter if we don’t keep our thoughts in check. It’s a part of life, but will hinder us from the fullness of life God desires for us.

 I think a lot of Christians probably do a really good job of keeping their resentment, bitterness, hurt, and even unforgiveness hidden, but I hope we’re all inviting God to daily search our hearts and reveal to us if it’s there. We want to live in harmony with all because that honors God, and also results in a more peaceful life for us. Yet, sometimes that’s not going to look like we’d like it to, and we might have to submit some angst that accompanies that, but we’re called to prefer another over ourselves anyways! 

I love how He holds me accountable to His love, and gently performs every surgery necessary for my heart to reflect His. May the Lord’s love guide, protect, and heal us all as we walk out our salvation in Christ.

He Loves Us

If God loves us, why does it sometimes seem like He doesn’t? I’ve written a short story to give a miniscule glimpse to one aspect of that question.

A father and his young adult child are out for a drive. Top down, the wind whipping around them, laughter, bonding, feeling truly free. The dad loves going out with his child, and would never miss out on the time, even if the child is prioritizing the wrong things. He does give the occasional warning, that he knows will be ignored, but his love for his child forces him to speak up.  

What feels like out of nowhere, the dad grabs the steering wheel, and forces them to crash. The child absolutely indignant at the wreckage caused by their father (to be debated who it was really caused by), burns with accusation, confusion, sadness. As the child is laying there in pain, screaming why, the father reminds them that over that hill was a train, and it would have completely annihilated them, and it it was actually his love that forced him to stop the car causing the present suffering. There wasn't going to be a second chance if he allowed it to continue unchecked.

The young adult gets a new car, and they need to decide whether they really want their father along for the drive. I believe that's the eternal question we're all asking ourselves. Do we really want the love of our Father guiding us, messing with our lives when we have our priorities out of order, giving us repeated chances at a new life with Him in Christ? Or do we want to live life our way, on our terms, making the most of every minute we have in the best way we believe we should?  

I don't judge anybody who makes the choice to live the life they want to, with no regard to how they were created, choosing instead to be the kindness they want to see in this world, and living their best life how they know how. That said, I desire everyone to experience the love of their Father in heaven, in a way that overwhelms them, and leaves them wrecked for the ordinary. The only way to have that, is to truly follow Jesus Christ, not only believing in Him as even the demons do, but listening to Him in every aspect of their lives. 

All idols must be tossed away. Is your idol finances? Is your idol numbing out to life? Is your idol fun? Is your idol self? Is your idol your appetite? Is your idol the intel you have from the secret place? Is your idol your intelligence? I'll tell you right now I've got more work to do in a couple of these. 

We need to not justify our self-righteousness, unforgiveness, hatred, criticism, indulgence, while we have an opinion on everything we discern to be ungodly. For the Lord our God, is in the process of sanctifying us, and that refiner's fire hurts. We need to pay attention to what we really believe about Him, when our lives don't seem to match.

For me and my household, we will serve the Lord. I pray that each one of us take the time to develop the intimacy and hearing the Lord clearly, so thar we have already given Him the wheel, and can trust in His provision where He leads us. But, if not, Jesus take the wheel and help me to leave it in Your loving hands.

P.S. this is not at all implying every bad thing we go through in life is the Lord's discipline. Life absolutely happens. We experience numerous unjust things.

Only God Can Judge Me

As many of us walk out our faith, the phrase only God can judge me is spoken quite frequently. I'm not going to take our time to examine whether that's biblically true, but rather the motive of the heart behind it.

When I first became a Christian, I took a few Bible verses and built my entire theology around those. When I would read the bible, and come across something that challenge it, I would just kind of skim over it and assume it must be for another time to understand. It wasn't until I started studying the whole Bible, and looking at the original language used that my few verse theology started to unravel at the seams.

I wasn't a Christ follower even though I was a "Christian" for many years. I didn't actually understand the Bible verse "Those that love me obey my commands." I really believed that I could walk into heaven holding Satan's hand, because grace, you know? 

I would be lying to you to say that I completely understand where the line is that engaging in sin while being a follower of Christ forfeits the Kingdom of God. I mean, we have the Bible verse that tells us what God hates and is even an abomination to Him, we have another Bible verse that tells us those that do these things will not inherit the Kingdom of God, and another one that tells us that we are dead to sin. I am not a Bible scholar, and I will continue to search these things out, but I don't need an exact answer.

Regardless, while searching out scripture is a priceless use of our time, the point of this blog post is to go after the motive of the heart. 

I spent years ignoring God's voice and looking for loopholes where I wouldn't lose my place as His beloved daughter, but could live as the world lives. Does that sound like a heart that truly loves Jesus, or rather somebody looking for hellfire insurance? My heart even felt hurt when He would place it upon my heart to do something He wasn't asking other people to do. I most certainly struggled with rebellion which is a pretty serious sin. Yet, His desire is to love me, and that I would receive that love and choose to return it. I praise God that I finally got better at listening, even if it's only Him that I listen to. 

C'mon y'all, there were people who literally performed healing miracles and delivered people from demonic possession, and they heard the Lord say to them something along the lines of depart from me workers of iniquity. I never knew you.

WHAT?!? I bet these people took care of the widows and orphans too. I bet they had a good works list a mile long, yet they didn't enter into the kingdom. 

WHY?!? For this, I'm sure you can find much better explanations on Google, but I believe it's because of their hearts. Their heart motives weren't pure. They weren't wanting to live in communion with the Lord, filled with gratitude and contentment, overflowing with joy, marked by peace, even as the storms raged on around them. They probably were living to make themselves feel like they earned their place among the followers of Christ. I bet they probably considered themselves very good people, role models even.

I believe they never stewarded a relationship with the One who allowed Himself to be crucified for their sins. If you're a Christian, I'd like to ask you how often do you hear His gentle voice leading you by thoughts or unctions. If the answer is not daily/all the time, I'd encourage you to take 31 days and seek Him.

Skip a show or a few chapters of your book everyday and sit before Him. One of a myriad of examples would be to take your Bible and your notebook, tell God you want to spend time in His presence, pray that He would give you revelational wisdom and understanding as you read His word. Read a Proverb for every day of this experiment, and then after reading set the timer for 5-10 minutes and ask him if there's anything He wants to tell you or show you, and sit in silence, eyes closed and see if anything crosses your mind. Write down every thought you had over those 10 minutes. 

By the end of 31 days, you will notice a marked difference in your ability to discern God's thoughts from yours, and hopefully desire to spend more than 10 minutes!

It is imperative to know His voice, because His sheep hear His voice. We are not speaking about the audible voice of God, but rather how He speaks to you personally in your thoughts or by unctions, while you continue to study His word. 

God certainly did not create us to all look, speak, and act like little cookie cutter Christians. He loves the uniqueness in the body of Christ, and it's literally how He made us. He doesn't want us pointing out each other's flaws to others, and excluding people who are still walking out of deception. 

He wants us to love as He did. That doesn't mean humoring people's deception, but you can love them as He speaks to them. The word of God is only useful for instruction and correction for those that belong in his family. Jesus seemed to be the biggest stumbling block for the spirit of religion AKA the pharisees. Granted, the thieves weren't loving him to much when they set up shop in the house of prayer either. Anywho, my point being that we need to make sure God is asking us to speak correction, before thinking we're doing our godly duty to do so. Maybe He just wants us to intercede for them? 

It is absolutely true that only God knows what exactly is in your heart, but I hope it's your heart to ask Him to help you love Him more. For eye has not seen, nor ear has heard, nor heart has entertained all that God has for those who love Him. And that's the TRUTH.

For me, and my household, we will serve the Lord. I trust Him to work out every detail of our hearts that aren't fully in accord with His. I wholeheartedly believe we'll get there. 

2020 Reflections on Friends

2020 has been a beast of a year.  I truly don't have words for the trainwreck of emotional stretching that's occurred, nor the beauty that has been brought forth from the pain.  I think we've all had to make choices of what's really important, and what should be in our lives, and what we probably need to release.  I have seen so many heartbreaking comments by people who truly feel like they have no friends, and are all alone.  I won't launch into how we're never actually alone when we choose to do life with Christ, but instead focus on how to possibly view friendships, and the necessary waxing and waning that occurs.  

The main three types of friends are: a reason, a season, or a lifetime. For the sake of brevity, I'm going to group into only 3 categories. The good news is it doesn't matter which kind of friend you are in my life, I'm grateful to have you!  I've come to find that while there are similar things most people will mention when discussing the inherent qualities of a good friend, there is no guarantee that anyone will truly like anyone regardless of whether they have each quality the person specified they wanted. In addition to qualities, there are also life dynamics that shape who are friends are at times.  I think it's important to celebrate all types and recognize how they add value to our lives, and how we've added value to theirs.

A lifetime friend is what everybody longs to have, but are far and few between for many.  A lifetime friend is the one you haven't had a real conversation with in 3.5 mo or 3.5 yrs, but when you talk, it's like no time has passed. You love each other, and grace overflows for the life that gets in the way of you being a "good friend". You acknowledge weaknesses, yet love them for exactly who they are.  Lifetime friends made it through the seasons, and remained. Lifetime friends are loyal to the friendship even in the dips.

Seasonal friends are huge blessings that do everyday life with you for the season. The season may be a couple months for sports, or even a couple decades. They are the ones you count on, you get together with, you reach out to. A seasonal friend is sometimes one you thought was going to be a lifetime friend, and are painfully aware of the distance that just keeps growing as your season ends.  Often, life has just pulled differently, and while there is no loss of love, the friendship faded, and your left with memories of how much you enjoyed their company. Other times, it's simply a matter of compatibility.  As we age, we change, as some of those changes aren't as well received as we'd hoped.  Regardless the reason, sometimes it's necessary to mourn the loss, but also to never shut the door.  Who knows when another season might blow them back in?

A friend for a reason is exactly that. Your friendship to them is specifically to meet a need.  The possibilities are endless for differing reasons someone wants you as their friend. Quite frequently these types of friendships are wonderful for helping us grow into a better version of ourselves.  We learn to see patterns, to be more forgiving, to operate in greater discernment, to erect healthy boundaries, etc...

As this year draws to a close, I just want to remind us all that due to the turbulent nature of this year, and what is probably going to be a doozy coming, to extend way more grace than you deem necessary to everyone in your life.  Almost all of us have lost our quasi-successful ways of handling stress, and then added more chaos on top of it, and it's okay.  We need to find our bearings, be annoyingly thankful for every single thing in our lives, make a goal of something, read or listen to a book, take time to ourselves and appreciate blessings that surround us when we make a habit of looking for them.  And the days where we don't, or can't, we just receive the new mercies each day allots, and try, try again.  Happy New Year <3 

Stumbling in Identity

There are those of us who have lived lives that honor who we are, that love well, that put others before ourselves, and that always believe the best in people.  There's been maturation and growing in that, but there's nothing insidious that others know of to remind them that's not who they see.

Then there are many of us out there who have lived lives we are not proud of.  Lives marked by selfishness, ignorance, rebellion, no self worth, defiance, or thinking too highly of ourselves.

The stumbling in identity comes when the latter group finally realizes that there is much more to life readily apparent in the lives of people they see. They decide they no longer want to miss out on what life has to offer, and decide to figure out who they really are.

I fall into the latter group.  I didn't realize until I hit about 20 yrs of age that my life had been completely wasted.  I had nothing to show for my existence but a bunch of wreckage in my wake.  I wasn't living, but simply existing.  Waiting.  No goals, no ambitions, no dreams.  I was perfectly content to just numb the pain of being alive because I didn't appreciate the gift of it.  I had so much inexplicable rage in my heart, and very little joy.  I had an internal knowing that there had to be more to life, but didn't know how to ascertain what I was missing.

Over the last two decades, I've come to realize that I am my own worst enemy.  My perceptions were keeping me prisoner to the lack of value I had for life.  I took on other people's opinions of me as my own, and lived as if that was what life was about.  I had a constant dialogue of voices that shaped my skewed view on life.

There are so many voices that each one of us hear as we live our lives. A small sampling of the voices that are common to most are the critical voice, the accusatory voice, the voice of comparison, the pitiful voice (Why Me?), the ungrateful one, all of which rob us of any ability to enjoy our lives.  Thankfully, there are also voices of encouragement, love, and belonging to be heard.  These voices originate from ourselves, friends, parents, enemies, ourselves, media, peers, teachers, employers, etc...

Every now and again, I stumble in my identity as I am reminded of what used to characterize my meager existence.  I hate that I can't change what once was, but I will not let it cause me to stumble walking forward.  Truly, can anyone walk forward in life, not knowing what their paths will bring, while they are focused on looking backwards?

I do not need anyones permission or approval to live out my life with the giftings the Lord has blessed me with. Do I desire acceptance?  Sure.  Do I need it?  Absolutely not.  Some of the most harmful rejection I've encountered has been in the body of Christ.  Truly I can tell you that was a gift.  I've learned more about myself, and what needs to change in me, through the painful things, than I ever have in the good.  If I value what people think more than what I know in my heart, by way of my Father in heaven, and my Lord Jesus Christ, I will never fulfill what He's called me to (which also happens to be the desire of my heart).

I am redeemed.  I am valuable.  I am worthy.  I am learning how to be who I was created to be.  I am unstoppable with Christ strengthening me in my weaknesses.  There will always be places for more growth, but I'm not going to keep my focus on those.  For what I behold, that will I accomplish, for good or for bad.  So, onward and upward, right?  A resounding "YES!" is what fills my heart with joy and propels me forward into the unknown.

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.  But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead"
-Philippians 3:12-13