Stumbling in Identity

There are those of us who have lived lives that honor who we are, that love well, that put others before ourselves, and that always believe the best in people.  There's been maturation and growing in that, but there's nothing insidious that others know of to remind them that's not who they see.

Then there are many of us out there who have lived lives we are not proud of.  Lives marked by selfishness, ignorance, rebellion, no self worth, defiance, or thinking too highly of ourselves.

The stumbling in identity comes when the latter group finally realizes that there is much more to life readily apparent in the lives of people they see. They decide they no longer want to miss out on what life has to offer, and decide to figure out who they really are.

I fall into the latter group.  I didn't realize until I hit about 20 yrs of age that my life had been completely wasted.  I had nothing to show for my existence but a bunch of wreckage in my wake.  I wasn't living, but simply existing.  Waiting.  No goals, no ambitions, no dreams.  I was perfectly content to just numb the pain of being alive because I didn't appreciate the gift of it.  I had so much inexplicable rage in my heart, and very little joy.  I had an internal knowing that there had to be more to life, but didn't know how to ascertain what I was missing.

Over the last two decades, I've come to realize that I am my own worst enemy.  My perceptions were keeping me prisoner to the lack of value I had for life.  I took on other people's opinions of me as my own, and lived as if that was what life was about.  I had a constant dialogue of voices that shaped my skewed view on life.

There are so many voices that each one of us hear as we live our lives. A small sampling of the voices that are common to most are the critical voice, the accusatory voice, the voice of comparison, the pitiful voice (Why Me?), the ungrateful one, all of which rob us of any ability to enjoy our lives.  Thankfully, there are also voices of encouragement, love, and belonging to be heard.  These voices originate from ourselves, friends, parents, enemies, ourselves, media, peers, teachers, employers, etc...

Every now and again, I stumble in my identity as I am reminded of what used to characterize my meager existence.  I hate that I can't change what once was, but I will not let it cause me to stumble walking forward.  Truly, can anyone walk forward in life, not knowing what their paths will bring, while they are focused on looking backwards?

I do not need anyones permission or approval to live out my life with the giftings the Lord has blessed me with. Do I desire acceptance?  Sure.  Do I need it?  Absolutely not.  Some of the most harmful rejection I've encountered has been in the body of Christ.  Truly I can tell you that was a gift.  I've learned more about myself, and what needs to change in me, through the painful things, than I ever have in the good.  If I value what people think more than what I know in my heart, by way of my Father in heaven, and my Lord Jesus Christ, I will never fulfill what He's called me to (which also happens to be the desire of my heart).

I am redeemed.  I am valuable.  I am worthy.  I am learning how to be who I was created to be.  I am unstoppable with Christ strengthening me in my weaknesses.  There will always be places for more growth, but I'm not going to keep my focus on those.  For what I behold, that will I accomplish, for good or for bad.  So, onward and upward, right?  A resounding "YES!" is what fills my heart with joy and propels me forward into the unknown.

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.  But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead"
-Philippians 3:12-13