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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

And so it continues...

I've not had much to say which is very surprising for me.  I still haven't passed the baby through from my missed miscarriage.  Two weeks after I found out that the baby had died, I finally started showing signs of the miscarriage coming.  It's now been a month and a half, and all I still have is the same exact 'sign' that started March 11th.  I've been going in every 2 wks and getting my hcg levels checked, the levels are falling as they should be according to my Dr.  This last time I called to get my blood results, I had the nurse ask the Dr. how much longer I could expect this to continue.  She called me back to say that I'm the longest it's ever gone so he has no idea, but to not worry since my hcg levels are falling.

I'm currently struggling with feeling offended at my Dr's office, worried about my body and what the heck is wrong, very seriously contemplating getting my tubes tied, and then the normal everyday things that occupy our minds at any given time.  I feel so childish and selfish to be irritated with my Dr, but I feel like he should have taken the 75 sec it would have taken to give me that answer about how much longer it should be instead of allowing the woman on the phone to give it to me.  I've always thought that he was such a caring Dr, always asking about my husband, and making small talk, but yet since I've lost this baby, I've had no contact at all with him.  The part about me being the longest patient he's ever had to go through this, is more than enough reason in my opinion to have personally spoken with me. Why isn't he more curious why my body is handling the miscarriage like it is?   Ugh, I feel even more like a big baby typing it out.  I guess you just have to be in my mind to truly understand.  It's not like I'm so important he should make time to talk to me, but more like I'm a medical exception so he'd want to find out what's going on.

Then I've got the whole getting my tubes tied thing.  I desperately WANT another baby, but that's not enough reason to have one.  I'm 34, my hubby is almost 37, and we have 3 healthy and perfect sons.  There are so many reasons NOT to have another baby, and I feel selfish even considering another one.  I just need God's peace in this.

This week my oldest moved out of his bunk bed and into the "nursery".  My 'baby' moved out of the nursery into the bunk bed.  It's been such a blessing to watch these boys grow up.  I'm laughing as I type "grow up" since my oldest is only 6, but still.

On the positive side of all of this, my walk towards knowing God and His heart, following Jesus like what He intended, and allowing the Holy Spirit of God to work in and through me has been very fruitful.  I'm going to make an attempt to read the entire bible from front to back.  Even if the majority of it goes over my head, I'm not going to make lists of questions, I'm just going to read what God felt it important to impart to the men that wrote it, and allow that to do whatever it is going to do in my life.  All scripture is useful, so I may as well read all of it, lol.

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