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Friday, August 12, 2011

It just sucks sometimes

Life isn't always fair, whatever that means.  I have friends who complain constantly about the tiny bit wrong in their perfect lives, and other friends who are always singing praises to God while their life appears to be falling apart piece by piece.  One of the main things I've learned is that we only know what we've been through, and we need to be empathetic with those who've had better and worse lives.  Compassion is to be graciously poured out in all circumstances, and prayer to see someone as God sees them is necessary more that I'd like to admit.  Life happens, and we deal with it how we know to.  I am so grateful for the work that God has done in my life in the last 12 yrs.  It's been a S-L-O-W process that has hit a bit of fast forward button the last 2 yrs as far as some of my friends have been concerned, but it's not near fast enough for me, lol.

This May I had a D&C b/c my body would not process the miscarriage that occurred back in January.  That's a really long story, but everything ended up the way it apparently was supposed to and I did what I could to deal with it.  This June I got pregnant, much sooner than I had thought, b/c I didn't even know I ovulated, but was very happy and immediately got into the Dr to have all my levels measured.  My progesterone was in the normal range, but my Dr chose to supplement it b/c he thought that maybe that's why my last miscarriage occurred, and had me come in every Monday to get more blood drawn.  Two weeks in, my progesterone levels dropped some so my Dr had me double the supplementing.  That worked to increase them and my quant levels were going up as they should be.  I went in for my ultrasound, and my 7 wk 5 day lil' one was only measuring 5 wk 5 days with a heartrate of 115 bpm.  My Dr wasn't concerned and just assumed I had ovulated late, but I had a suspicion that there was a developmental problem.  I chose to ignore that suspicion and just be thankful for the heartbeat, b/c when I lost my other baby at 5 wk 6 days and had assumed that a heartbeat never developed and that's why the lil' guy never made it.  

Two week later, on Tuesday I got a call from the RN and she said that my blood work did not look good.  My progesterone was in a normal range, but my quant levels did not double from the week before.  I knew what that meant, although I was holding out hope for a divine miracle.  I went in on Thursday to get another ultrasound and this time the baby had no heartbeat and had only grown one day past the ultrasound two weeks previous.  I don't know what's with 5 wks 6 days but that is when I lost both of my babies.  I really didn't think that I was going to lose this one, but I kept trying to keep myself from getting excited about the pregnancy b/c of the possibility.  That didn't help the pain at all though once I found out that I did lose the baby.

I went in the following Wednesday for another D&C, my Dr wasn't okay with allowing me to try and go naturally after how my body handled the last one.  I was at a different hospital and it was much more emotional that the first one.  This post would be a book though if I got into that, lol.

I am now home and okay.  God is still good even though He chose to not allow me to have this child.  I have some questions that may never get answered this side of heaven, and when I get to that side I probably won't have the questions anymore.  I have friends who've never been able to get pregnant or have struggled with such intensity to keep the children they have forced their bodies to carry, that it's hard for them to really put themselves where I am with 3 beautiful and healthy boys, followed by two miscarriages, b/c my pain would be a blessing to them.  Then I have other friends, who've never experienced a loss that are unable to really relate b/c they haven't been through it.  We all only know what we've been through and that is okay.  It's been me venting a bit to those in the know (and now publicly), but mostly giving it all to God, and asking His grace and praising Him in this current storm.  I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I am blessed immeasurably and will continue to shout it from the mountaintops.  God certainly gave me the voice for it, LOL.  

We have a choice when we go through trials.  We can give it to God or we can run from God.  The way I see it is where can I go from Him?  I may be mad at Him at times, but there's no where He's not.  We can't really run away, nor would I even want to.  He is my helper, my comforter, and my friend.  He is where I will continue to go, and I will ask that He use even this trial to show me His intense and unfailing love for me so that I can come even closer to His heart and He walks this out with me. 

3 comments:

  1. i love the part at the beginning about compassion being graciously poured out in every circumstance. We were reading the bible yesterday morning (me & the littles) & we came across that word & we looked it up in the dictionary. The bible says over & over about God being a gracious & compassionate God... Mollen told me, "Well, that makes me want to love Him more..."
    me too.

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  2. It's a beautiful thing. I feel like God is just telling me that as I've prayed to see others like He does, that He's saying what I really need is to see myself as He sees me. I appreciate what He's saying, but I need Him to get it into my heart. We sure do a good job at being our own worst critics.

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  3. Your honesty and faith through this last year is a testimony. Someone once told me, "we judge what is going on inside of us, by everyones outside, or what we perceive of them." As one of your friends, I can say I have ENJOYED seeing the change in your life. You are being changed from glory to glory!!!

    My heart goes out to you. I am praying for clarity and peace for you.

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