I'm left wondering whether I prayed the right prayers, if God was listening, if I'm out of God's will, whether I should continue to believe for what I've been praying, or whether instead I should accept what reality says and adjust my prayers.
I had my ultrasound today at the hospital and found out that I am still carring a baby that died three months ago. All of this spotting for the last 2 months has been fruitless, as have the prayers for an efficient miscarriage. I remember my first reaction when the Dr asked me how I wanted to handle the loss and I immediately said 'Let my body pass the baby through naturally.' I was terrified at the possibility of a D&C, the machines that I view as an instrument used to take the lives of precious children before they are legally given any rights, being used to suck the body of a child I barely knew out of me. I can't help but think that because I was in fear at the prospect of getting a D&C, that God is bringing me to that place to face my fear. I don't know if that is something God would do or not. I actually remember thinking that 3 days after finding out that my Elijah had died, but convinced myself that was NOT something that I had to fear.
I am a wealth of mixed emotions right now. Frustration that I had to demand the ultrasound because my Dr had no concerns with my falling hcg levels. Anger that now that he knows the baby is still there, he wants to do a D&C (obviously worried now, huh?). Sadness that I am still carrying a baby in my womb that I can't have. Disgust with my body that I have to have this child physically removed from it b/c it still continues to fail me. Brokenness over it all. Thankfulness that I have 3 healthy, loving, energetic, loud, beautiful, God loving children and a husband to stand with me as I face everything that I will encounter in life. Peace because as the thoughts try to flood in and pull me in to a place of heartache and chaotic and battling ideas, I can give it to God and declare His word over it, and then His peace comes. At least until the next wave comes, and then I have to do it all over again, lol. Such is life.
I go in tomorrow to schedule my D&C, and barring any unforeseen complications, I will be done with this. I'm not fearful either, not excited by any means, but not fearful either. My Father is there and He loves me. Who/what can be against me if God is for me? God can do anything, and when He doesn't, there is something that can be used for growth and maturity in it.