I don't feel at liberty to discuss what I am currently going through, but suffice to say that it is a very heavy thing and brings up a myriad of questions, fears, imaginings, and tested my faith that God is always good and is my protector. That being said, I have a wonderful testimony to how, in this wretched place I find myself, He is speaking to me and walking me through.
Yesterday I was praying and really needed a word from God. I heard Luke 12:2. So I opened my bible and turned to it, and this is what it says "There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known." This was such a blessing to me because the day prior I had been speaking with my pastor and he had said 'Praise God Dacia, He is making the hidden things known." I started praising God for that, even though I wished that the hidden things I was praising Him for revealing wouldn't have happened. The bible says in all things to praise Him though, and that's what I was searching to do. When He brought me to that verse, it really helped me feel like God was in this with me.
I've been praying for my children, and feeling fearful that they were not hearing God's voice, and that their paths would not be made straight before the Lord, and then felt really convicted in my heart that I was feeding the wrong kingdom in allowing those thoughts to proliferate. I felt a check in my spirit to affirm the opposite of that and walk in it, so when we were reading the bible that night I asked my oldest to ask God where we should start. He bowed his lil' head in prayer and said John 19, wait no, I mean John 22. I told him to ask God again and I started looking up the passages a bit surprised that he heard anything in the first place. I found John 19 and went to find John 22, as I realized that John 21 was the last chapter in John, he looked up and said John 19, I'm sure of it. I laughed and told him that I knew it was John 19 because there was no John 22, and that God had answered him we he asked, and wasn't it wonderful that God answered his prayer! God says to ask for wisdom, and to not be double-minded and we will receive it. After reading John 19, which just happened to be the death of Jesus, I got the boys ready for bed still in awe that God's voice really was being heard my little one. I praised Him and thanked Him repeatedly for what He's doing in the midst of all that is happening.
Apparently as I slept, I must've have forgotten all that though because I was once again in prayer asking God for His voice and wanting confirmation that I was hearing Him in this. Things weren't happening like I had thought they would, I was encountering brick walls where I expected to have a wide open path, and I heard John 4:26. I opened my bible and looked it up and found "Jesus said to her, "I who speak to you am He." " I was absolutely astonished and could NOT believe that God just meat me so point blank and clearly. My walk with God thus far has been very fruitful and heart changing, but this just seemed so direct and firm. I felt like God was telling me to quit questioning what I'm hearing from Him, and to affirm that I am His and I hear from Him in all things and to most of all TRUST what I hear. I repented for being so double-minded in this situation and told Him that I will continue to walk forward in trust that He is doing what He wants to do in this, and it doesn't matter what it looks like to me, but that I will believe, trust, lean, and rely on Him alone in it.
Praise God for putting up with me, LOL.