My husband and I scurried in to my ultrasound appt this morning with time to spare so excited for what the ultrasound would show. I was so glad that I put off having the ultrasound until I was almost 12 wks so that I could see this perfect baby and not just the lil' bean with a flashing spot where his/her heart was. I spent an hour going through the all the questions about health history, previous pregnancies, births, yada, yada, yada. Finally, we're taken to the ultrasound room.
My dr. gets me prepped and starts the journey of measuring and being amazed by God's design and very quickly says "I see some things that are very concerning". The baby wasn't near as big as he/she should have been for being almost 12 wks, there was not heartbeat, and the yolk sack was quite a bit bigger than the baby. It seems that I must have miscarried about a month ago, and my body just hasn't realized it yet. I don't understand that at all. I obviously had NO idea that this was even a possibility. My breasts are so swollen and tender and that alone was proof positive for me of a healthy pregnancy. I am heartbroken right now and feel somewhat lost. Tomorrow is my birthday, originally thought to be a good thing, not working out that way now.
I ask God to give me His grace to handle all of this with His heart and mind. I give Him praise for He alone knows the beginning and the end, He alone is worth of all my praise, and He alone can comfort my heart in the loss of a child that I briefly carried and nourished. I cry out to Him in my hurt and ask that He send His Holy Spirit to be my counselor, my friend, and my guide.
I think the thing that I struggle with the most is how did my body not know that my baby died? I always thought that if I had to go through a miscarriage that I'd bleed, that I'd know, that it would be a private mourning that would be between me and my family. I never thought it possible that I'd go in for an ultrasound and be told that my baby was dead. I don't understand. I don't get it. I feel like my body failed me in that it couldn't carry this baby, and then that after allowing the baby to die, it didn't even tell me. I'm just sad. I'm currently listed to How He Loves Us by Misty Edwards and it's exactly what I need to hear. I love how God works even in the crappiest of circumstances. I love that even when I'm hurting and questioning that He still loves me and is here for me to lean on. God give me the grace to lean on you.